For all of the criticisms from the right of Hillary Clinton’s blamethrowing on her book tour, perhaps it was inevitable that the sharpest ridicule would come from those her failure disappointed most. In this case, HuffPost doesn’t disappoint when publishing a scathing book review from Sam Kriss, who tweeted out this afternoon that he was taking one for the team. In all caps, no less (via Twitchy):

https://twitter.com/sam_kriss/status/910568099149213696

That’s not just a clickbait headline; in fact, that might be the nicest part of Kriss’ review. “You can play a dire game with What Happened,” Kriss writes, by opening up random pages and reading passages while remembering that Hillary likely ended up with a $20 million advance for the book from Simon & Schuster. (The terms were kept confidential.)

Imagine paying that much money to get instructions on “alternate nostril breathing,” among many other bon mots Kriss cites, which Hillary explains thusly: “This practice allows oxygen to activate both the right side of the brain, which is the source of your creativity and imagination, and the left side, which controls reason and logic.” Say what? The lungs pass oxygen into the bloodstream and out through the pulmonary veins into the left atrium of the heart, which then pumps it as a single flow through our one and only aorta to both sides of the brain,  … but science, y’all.

Kriss, however, is just warming up. He describes the book overall as “a Mary Sue self-insertion fanfic,” referring to boilerplate feminine literary characters (mainly sci-fi) whose utter perfection form part of a didactic. What Happened isn’t a memoir, Kriss discovers — it’s a campaign manifesto of a different type:

Be sure to read it all, of course. But also be sure to practice your alternate nostril breathing, which will activate enough of both sides of your brain to enable you to avoid buying this book.