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C'mon, can COVID really make your dong shrink?

AMY SANCETTA

You’ve heard of “long COVID.”

It turns out not everything about it is long.

Given a choice between long COVID and what we’ll politely call “short COVID,” I suspect most guys would rather have the former than the latter.

I spend most of my energy rebutting anti-vax propaganda when I write about the vaccines but this is one case where I’m willing to entertain a conspiracy theory. This does sound like an urban legend concocted and circulated to promote vaccine uptake, right?

Tell a man he might die if he doesn’t get the shots and he’ll laugh at you. Tell him he could lose an inch or two where it counts if he doesn’t and he might finally stop “doing his own research.”

I’m tempted to accuse the CDC of having planted this “letter” but they’re not good enough at communications to have thought of it.

Speaking on the sex advice podcast How To Do It, the victim revealed his troubling affliction.

‘I’m a heterosexual man in my thirties. In July of last year, I contracted Covid and was very sick.

‘When I got out of the hospital, I had some erectile dysfunction issues. Those gradually got better with some medical attention, but I seem to be left with a lasting problem.

‘My penis has shrunk. Before I got sick, I was above average, not huge, but definitely bigger than normal. Now I’ve lost about an inch-and-a-half and become decidedly less than average.

That reads like the pandemic version of one of those fake letters to Penthouse. “I never thought it would happen to me, but … I got COVID and now I’m tiny and depressed.”

It’s a myth, right? No. This is a real thing, scientists swear. It’s been known for awhile that the virus can cause erectile dysfunction. When it does, apparently shrinkage is a natural consequence.

“COVID [causes] a mass of respiratory symptoms that leads to a lot of the deaths,” [urologist Charles Welliver] said. “But there’s also pretty significant vascular issues that occur with guys.”…

“When guys get ED, they get a lack of erections for a while, and when that happens they actually do get some shrinkage,” he added.

And his commentary on miniaturized members was backed by Dr. Ashley Winter, a urologist in Oregon, who insisted: “COVID d – – k is a real thing.”

“The main reason that we think this occurs is something what we call endothelial dysfunction,” she explained. “That’s basically the cells that line your blood vessels … and they’re really important for the function of many different organs.”

A study of long COVID in The Lancet last year reportedly identified “decrease in size of testicles/penis” as a symptom, although in less than 10 percent of those afflicted. You’re very unlikely to die if infected, in other words, but somewhat less unlikely to lose a bit of … acreage.

The good news, according to Winter, is that the condition is treatable. The bad news is that the therapy involves using a “penis vacuum,” which is actually what it sounds like, or doing “penis push-ups.” Consider that another incentive to get vaccinated: If you do, it might spare you from having to send your junk to the gym.

Now we wait for the inevitable anti-vax counter-propaganda to this frightening revelation. My guess is that someone will soon push the idea that the vaccines can make you grow a vagina.

And within a week, that person will get a full three-hour guest shot on Joe Rogan.

In lieu of an exit question, read this explainer of why there are 60,000 “missing” births during the pandemic. No, it’s not due to COVID-induced impotence or infertility. But the cause is still depressing.