The greatest poll ever: Which wild animals do you think you could take in a fight?

(Indianapolis Zoo via AP)

Whoever at YouGov came up with the idea for this survey deserves a promotion. It’s one of the most arrestingly stupid poll questions I’ve seen in 15 years of blogging.


But the responses are so great that it simply must be blogged.

How much bank is this polling firm making that they can afford to burn a few bucks to ask people, “You think you could take a house cat if you two threw down?”

The analysis here is straightforward. One: How big is it? Two: Will it attack you with anything sharp? Size and slashes are going to cause the most serious injury.

Here’s where I’m at. Hard no on the top 10, which contains many a large beast of sharp claw and tooth. There’s nothing sharp on the elephant, granted, but that’s like fighting a tank. I wouldn’t last long against a full-sized kangaroo but I’m confident I could take a baby roo down to the pavement. As for the chimp, which nearly a quarter of dudes think they could defeat because it’s smaller than they are, go ahead and spend a few minutes googling chimp attacks on humans if there’s any doubt in your mind as to how things would go.

You won’t like what you find. I’d rather fight the croc than the chimp.


Bottom five? The eagle is a challenge because of its talons but I feel like if you could just land one square punch to the beak you put it out of commission. Remember when Conan the Barbarian punched the horse? Same deal, although I’d feel guilty and unpatriotic as an American after laying an eagle out. The medium-sized dog, cat, and rat could all do some damage but I would emerge triumphant, depending on what breed the dog was.

I know in my heart I could take a goose.

The ladies seem less confident in their goose-fighting abilities, though. What are you afraid would happen? It’s going to peck you to death?

Exit question via Dave “Iowahawk” Burge: “I think the real species-specific question is would you rather fight it, eat it, or have sex with it? Honestly I’m probably a 5/5/5 split on this list.”

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