You absolute maniacs: Pumpkin Spice Spam to debut next month

To cleanse the palate, I can’t help but view this news through the prism of the Jeffrey Epstein saga.

How do we, a culture capable of producing something like Pumpkin Spice Spam, dare pass judgment on someone else’s perversion?


Also, who’s the target demographic for this product? Spam is the lowest of low-rent meat options at the supermarket; pumpkin spice is a flavor preferred by the sort of person who’s willing to spend eight dollars on a cup of coffee. Go lowbrow or go middlebrow, but you can’t go both at the same time. It’s like marketing a Lincoln with stainless steel truck nutz welded on the back.

A publicist for Hormel Foods Corp. confirmed to NBC News on Wednesday that the company will begin selling a limited edition run of Pumpkin Spice Spam online at and on Sept. 23.

Hormel first broached the idea two years ago in a hoax Facebook post. But this time, Hormel swears the product is real.

“True to the brand’s roots, SPAM® Pumpkin Spice combines deliciousness with creativity, allowing the latest variety to be incorporated into a number of dishes, from on-trend brunch recipes to an easy, pick me-up snack,” it said in an emailed statement.

Nothing is as on-brand for 2019 as “this idea would have been considered insane in the very recent past but it’s perfectly viable now.”

You want to know who the target demographic for this garbage is? Me, that’s who. It honestly doesn’t sound half bad!

It looks like normal Spam (which really isn’t that bad!), but soon after taking it out of the can we caught a whiff of that familiar pumpkin spice scent, which only intensified as it fried up on our stovetop. The combined scent of heavily processed ham and sweet pumpkin spice was a bit off-putting, but how did it taste?

Although this is one of the more peculiar pumpkin spice products on the market, surprisingly, the general consensus was that the flavor really wasn’t bad. It certainly had that soft texture that anyone who’s had Spam will be familiar with, as well as the expected salty, porky Spam flavor. Cinnamon, clove, allspice and nutmeg shared center stage with the rich and savory Spam flavor, however, along with a hint of sweetness.

“It reminds me of breakfast sausage,” one taster said. “Honestly, it would go great with some eggs and waffles.”


Is this really all that different from drizzling a little maple syrup on your bacon after you’ve prepared a morning stack of pancakes? It’s obviously a breakfast meat. No one’s suggesting putting it between two slices of rye and slathering on some mustard.

As a lowbrow idiot who will nonetheless occasionally pay eight bucks at Starbucks for some elaborate caffeinated milkshake, I’m gonna order it and I’m gonna enjoy it. If you people really want to apologize for a food abomination, start with this. That’s what we get for teaching millennials how to cultivate fruits and vegetables.

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David Strom 3:30 PM | June 20, 2024