Team USA 1, Piers Morgan 0

Team USA 1, Piers Morgan 0

Technically the score was USA 2, England 1, with the American women’s team advancing to the World Cup final, but that’s a mere detail.

Today will be known in sports history as The Day Piers Was Owned.

He’d been talking smack for days before the match, with particular attention paid to American star Megan Rapinoe after she scored both goals to beat France in the quarterfinals and celebrated … lavishly:

Admittedly, she’s awfully arrogant. But they’re the best team in the world, she’s their best player, and she is, after all, American. Remember, we put an entire team of top-tier NBA hall-of-famers on the floor at the 1992 Olympics to run everyone else off the court by 30 points a game purely for sh*ts and giggles.

We don’t just beat you, we try to make you look silly. And people wonder how Trump got elected.

Anyway. “Tonight, her cocky little arms stay down,” Morgan tweeted of Rapinoe before today’s match. And they did! She sat out with an injury to the horror of American fans. Didn’t matter, though: Her replacement, Christen Press, scored the first goal of the match. Then, after England tied it, Alex Morgan — whom we’ll call “the good Morgan” — took the lead back and added an arrogant little flourish of her own to her post-goal celebration.

The Brits didn’t like the mock tea-sipping. Piers really didn’t like it.

“When we win this, I hope every one of our players feigns eating a Big Mac and large fries,” he tweeted later, leaving one to imagine what the hell that might have looked like had it actually happened. He should chill out: The fact that tea-drinking is the worst thing we can think of as a culture to mock the British makes it practically a compliment.

England appeared to tie the match at 2-2 later but their goal was disallowed after instant replay determined that the goal-scorer was offside — barely. They got another chance to tie it with seven minutes left when a player was fouled inside the box, setting up a penalty kick. But Team USA’s keeper made a brilliant save, preserving the victory.

In fairness to him, he was gracious in defeat:

I will return the graciousness by noting that our good friends in England gave a valiant effort in defeat, and that it’s with no small amount of regret that we must say, “Suck it.”

No, I’m kidding. Actually, I want to print a life-sized cardboard cutout of Alex Morgan miming the tea-drinking, set it in front of Piers’s front door, ring the bell, and run.

Here’s FIFA’s highlight reel of the match followed by Piers making his feelings about Rapinoe plain on British TV. By the way, what exactly are the politics of mocking Piers Morgan on a right-wing site for taking issue with Rapinoe’s arrogance? On the one hand, he’s one of the most notorious advocates for gun-grabbing in English-language media, a guy who used to bait righties on the topic frequently when he was hosting on CNN. On the other hand, he defends Trump regularly in his columns for the Daily Mail. And Rapinoe is a harsh critic of Trump’s, having even drawn the president’s attention recently on Twitter. (Rapinoe’s girlfriend wrote about the feud today in a piece titled, “So the President F*cking Hates My Girlfriend.”) On the other other hand, everyone feels good about Team USA putting the boots to the Brits so close to July 4th. What’s a Trump-loving, gun-loving nationalist to do with all that?

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