Burger King introduces ... the unhappy meal

To cleanse the palate, the worst idea I’ve heard all year. Except for Kirsten Gillibrand wanting to give every American free money which they can only spend on politicians.

I still can’t believe that one’s real.

Where to begin here?

Burger King has launched a range of burger meals that focus on “real” moods.

The fast-food chain introduced a range of boxed deals it’s calling “Real Meals,” including the Pissed Meal, Blue Meal, Salty Meal, Yaaas Meal and DGAF (Don’t Give a F—) Meal as part of Mental Health Awareness Month in May. The deal includes a Whopper sandwich, french fries and a drink.

“Burger King restaurants understands that no one is happy all the time. That’s why they’re asking guests to order a Whopper meal based on however they might be feeling,” an online release stated Wednesday.

It’s … unusual for a corporate brand to want to associate itself with negative emotions, particularly one like a fast-food chain that essentially sells pleasure. There’s also an icky element to the company trying to monetize mental-health problems. Granted, they’re partnering with Mental Health America to “raise awareness” (of the fact that people sometimes have negative emotions?), but Eater notes that there’s “no indication that the King is actually donating any money — or proceeds from the sale of Real Meals — to any advocacy groups or non-profit organizations.” There also appears to be nothing to the promotion beyond the novelty of the box that the meal comes in. No special dessert, no unusual toppings for the Whopper, no toy.

What kind of toy could you even put in an Unhappy Meal? Cymbalta?

Even the promo feels off. Watch below. The campaign is ostensibly about mental health but most of these people seem healthy enough. Not the first guy: He’s slouched over in a dark room, the international visual cliche for clinical depression. But the others all seem to have good reason to be upset or anxious — the woman who’s mad at her boss, the girl who’s being bullied at school, the guy who’s stuck with a huge student-loan debt and hasn’t heard yet that Elizabeth Warren’s going to use taxpayer money to bail his irresponsible ass out. All of these emotions are understandable, even laudable, and hopefully transitory rather than evidence of a chronic mood. Who’s discouraging people from being justifiably mad or upset such that Burger King needs to swoop in and assure them, “Shhhh, it’s okay to feel your feelings”?

For cripes sake. One guy’s supposed emotional crisis is that he got ghosted by a woman he was interested in. If that’s a “health” problem, I should be on disability.

Exit question: Which meal should I order when I’m in line at BK and feel depressed when I remember that their fries are half as good as McDonald’s?