USA Today: Did you know you can add a chainsaw bayonet to an AR-15?

To cleanse the palate, I never wanted an AR-15 but now that I know I can attach a chainsaw bayonet to it, I can’t lie. I’m sort of motivated.

Here’s what happens when an otherwise sober newspaper taking an otherwise sober look at modifications used to make a semiautomatic rifle more lethal decides to get crazy with the gun-control Cheez Whiz.

They’ve since clarified that the degenerate who shot churchgoers in Sutherland Springs did not in fact use a chainsaw bayonet himself. There’s probably a good reason for that, says gun expert Stephen Gutowski. They don’t exist, or at least not in a commercially available form. To get one you’ll need to either make your own or boot up “Gears of War.” Which is too bad, as they’re the perfect weapon for fighting Antifa super-soldiers. Or defending yourself from a gang of armed lumber thieves when you’re out sawing down trees.

USA Today’s flight of fancy has of course inspired gun owners to suggest their own hyper-lethal modifications. Ben Shapiro’s been collecting the best ones. This gun is dangerous…

…but this, I think, is the ultimate weapon:

I’d support legislation not only legalizing chainsaw bayonets but making them mandatory. After all:

Twitchy is compiling other parodies. In all seriousness, how has no one mass-produced this yet? We have bump stocks but not a modification tailor-made for a zombie apocalypse? Make the gun industry great again.

Update: Via John Sexton, good lord. It exists!