Endgame: Seven percent of Americans think chocolate milk ... comes from brown cows

To cleanse the palate, I’m convinced these are the same people who think fast-food fried chicken becomes “healthy” if you put lettuce and tomato on it.

Strange but true: The number who believe chocolate milk comes from brown cows isn’t the most disturbing result from this survey.

The Innovation Center for U.S. Dairy conducted a survey of more than 1,000 adults 18 and over in April of this year. They uncovered some shocking facts about how people think about – and drink – milk.

First off, 48% of respondents said that they aren’t sure where chocolate milk comes from. Um, guys, it comes from cows – and not just the brown kind.

Still, 7% of people – and remember, this survey talked to actual, grown-up adults – still think that chocolate milk only comes from brown cows. Actually, chocolate milk gets its flavor and color from cocoa beans.

You can dismiss the seven-percent figure as a function of the margin of error and trolling by respondents, as some people probably found the question so amusing that they answered “brown cows” just to mess with the pollster. What do you do, though, with that 48 percent who don’t know where chocolate milk comes from? Do they think flavored water … comes from a naturally occurring raspberry-flavored spring? How do they cope with the mysteries of regular coffee, with its strange not-quite-milk, not-quite-black-coffee color and texture?

And what about peanut butter and jelly? How do the peanuts have room to grow with all that jelly inside the shell?

I used to laugh at this song, now I think these guys are probably above average in terms of their sophistication in appreciating natural wonders. They’re stuck on magnets; meanwhile, 150 million people are trying to figure out what happens when you put Hershey’s syrup in milk. We deserved a Clinton/Trump election. Content warning.