Video: You want the new Star Wars "Rogue One" trailer so here's the new Star Wars "Rogue One" trailer

“Rogue One” is catchy but Sonny Bunch’s title is better: “Mary Sue Steals the Death Star Plans.” Young? Check. Hypercompetent? Clearly. Destined to save the day? Indubitably. Same as Rey in “Force Awakens” — but also the same as Luke Skywalker. It’s Star Wars, man. It’s Mary Sues all the way down.

In fact, check out the last shot of our heroine here before the title of the movie is displayed. She looks awfully Katniss-y, doesn’t she? That signals a bold new direction for the franchise: Not only are they going to crank out new Mary Sues of their own, they’re going to incorporate some of the best ones from other franchises. Maybe young Han Solo will have a lightning-bolt scar on his forehead.

I hope the movie’s good enough to justify the exhausting online prattle we’ll endure for the next eight months from SJWs masturbating over the diversity of the cast and their counterparts on the other side grousing about how there aren’t any white male heroes in the rebooted franchise. (Relax. They’re coming.) Also, an easy prediction: Since this one focuses on the Death Star and it’s set sometime during or shortly before the original trilogy, Darth Vader will have a cameo. He’s not in the trailer but Luke wasn’t in any “Force Awakens” trailers either; the producers understandably like to hold back some of the more obvious fan-service panders as “surprises” for the audience. Probably he’ll show up right after Katniss has the plans in hand after successfully infiltrating the Death Star and outwitting everyone in her path. She’ll be racing towards the exit, she’ll turn a corner, and … surprise. Will she outwit the sinister Lord Vader too, proving her mettle and saving the universe, or will evil triumph over good? Stay tuned.

Exit question from Twitter pal Nathan Wurtzel: Katniss is Rey’s mom, right? Everyone in the Star Wars cosmos is related for some reason.

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