To cleanse the palate, a mega-viral little goof from Jimmy Kimmel. True story: When I was around 10 years old, the big gift I got from Santa one Christmas was … a Speak & Spell. That was the big gift. Not the gift that you open distractedly while eyeing the huge mystery package under the tree that’s about to make every last one of your dreams come true. This was, supposedly, that gift. To this day, I can’t imagine what mom was thinking. Maybe she thought I’d be captivated by the “E.T.” connection. Or maybe she just thought I’d nerd out on spelling because that’s what budding little beta males do.

Anyway. Now you know why I’m an atheist.