How many layers of “I loved whispering ‘ssssh’ to my classmates during library hour in elementary school” do you have to be on to find the prospect of supporting this party even remotely appealing? Never mind substantive questions about the economy, medical care, and foreign policy on which the Democrats are indistinguishable from the GOP. Which side do you think is, if not cool, slightly less lame? It ultimately comes down to whether greedy people pretending to be hip strikes you as less embarrassing than greedy people who could not be hip even if they tried their absolute hardest.

All of which is to say that the most significant thing to be said on behalf of Republicans is that they are unashamed about their venality. They are unabashedly anti-poor people, proudly in favor of making the world a better place for the 1 percent. Their response to President Trump’s sociopathic hatred of the world’s marginalized is wistful rather than condemnatory. If only, they seem to say, he could be the tough-minded pragmatic wonk of the golf course rather than the “shithole”-denouncing villain of the last week or so, we could reduce the number of refugees while maximizing the amount of communist Chinese capital that we allow into this country.