This has nothing to do with Fitzmas or Z-man’s timely demise, but it’s priceless: Whole Foods in Austin believes its customers may–may–be behaving in an uncivilized manner toward the lobsters they buy and take home. Apparently the geniuses at Whole Foods believe they’re selling pets or something. Anyway, I won’t quote the Statesman’s column. Much. It’s all just too delicious, so you have to read the whole thing. Here’s a taste.

One way Whole Foods could make some significant improvement would be to release all the lobsters into Town Lake. That way I could collect them and eat them.

Still, on Thursday the Whole Foods leadership will discuss whether to discontinue marketing live lobsters because the lobsters may not be getting humane treatment. At issue here is what people do with the lobsters when they take them home — that is, boil them and dip them in drawn butter. “It’s ultimately how they’re handled by the consumer after they go home that’s a concern,” Lowery said.

What are we supposed to do? Give them names like Larry the Lobster and take them for a walk?

You have to register to read the rest, but you know how to get around that.

There is a serious issue lurking in that succulent column, which is this: Lefties are daft. You heard it here first.