Before this story has played out to its conclusion, I will figure out how to turn it into a fine powder and snort it. Ingesting it in dribs and drabs over the course of the day simply isn’t enough.

Which reminds me: It’s disgraceful that in 2019 America, which is literally governed by a reality-show host, we don’t have cameras inside the Giannulli household broadcasting this drama in real time for our entertainment. The feds should agree to knock a year off her sentence if Loughlin’s willing to agree to that.

History may record that the single most glorious populist triumph of this era was Trump’s DOJ sending Aunt Becky down for 5-10 for handing out fat envelopes to get her dumb kids into their dream school. Or, rather, her dream school.

If I were Trump, I’d run on it next year.

“She has been in complete denial and thought maybe she could skate by,” the source explains. “She refused to accept any jail time and thought the DA was bluffing. She was adamant she wouldn’t do any jail time.”…

“Lori is finally realizing just how serious this is,” says the source, noting the former child model is beating herself up for not accepting the initial deal. “She is seeing the light that she will do jail time and is freaking out.”…

“There’s a rift between Lori and Mossimo,” the first source tells E! News. “He is completely mortified by this whole thing and she is putting on a happy face and acting like everything will be OK.”

She’s continuing to do yoga and Pilates, a source told People magazine, assuring the publication that a person accused of multiple felonies is “very faith-based.”

Entertainment Tonight also has a source close to the family confirming that Loughlin and her legal brain trust assumed she’d be let off with a wrist slap, a … perfectly reasonable assumption for a celebrity worth tens of millions of dollars.

“Her closest friends have warned her she needs to be more humble and worry she’s been misled through this process,” the source adds. “There seems to be a certain belief among her people she is above all of this and everything will be just fine. And it’s becoming more and more evident that is not the case.”…

“They begged her to take the plea, but she truly didn’t feel it was necessary,” the source says. “This isn’t the value system of most of her friends and some of those closest to her, who have stood by her from the beginning, are now starting to distance themselves.”

The idea of Loughlin’s friends in Bel Air tut-tutting her for, of all things, arrogance is snooooooooooort. Olivia Jade allegedly “isn’t ready to forgive and has continued to distance herself” from her mother as she copes with her own nightmare — the loss of her YouTube cosmetics sponsors, the terrifying prospect of having to testify at trial, and the whole “poster girl for underachieving rich kids” thing mom and dad saddled her with. She too is “freaking out,” understandably, per a different gossip site. The good news is that there’s no sign the feds are planning to charge her with any crime related to the admissions scandal.

The bad news is that she’s momentarily unable to withdraw from USC. Maybe that’s what the feds have in store for her: A four-year sentence of having to read books.

They should at least give the poor kid the option of prison.

Loughlin has now been dropped from and edited out of her current show, a frontier drama on the Hallmark Channel. Her character apparently isn’t minor, either; she plays the town mayor. It would have been much easier for producers to leave the episodes they’ve already completed alone and just write her out of future ones, but apparently Loughlin has already reached a level of such O.J.-esque ignominy that they can’t bear to have her onscreen.

They can add her back in five to 10 seasons from now, I guess.

Should we feel maybe … a little bad that her entire world is being blown up for a crime driven by her desire to get her kids educated at a top school? Not a lot bad. She’s lived a life of luxury and privilege that few people will ever enjoy and will return to that life eventually, if not as soon as she’d hoped. And I understand the feds wanting to send a message as loudly as they can to other rich parents that they should think very carefully before trying to bribe their kids’ way into school. But read this report from Yahoo News about what life is like at even the minimum-security prison where Martha Stewart was incarcerated. It’s not “Oz” but it’s a long way from summer camp: “Your teeth could fall out and they don’t give a sh**. You could have cancer metastasize … and they don’t give a sh**. You can be in solitary confinement — as I was — with 200/100 blood pressure and the physician’s assistant told me, ‘We get more money when you’re dead than when you’re alive.’ When I was in solitary confinement, I asked a guard for toilet paper and he said, ‘Wipe yourself.” Aunt Becky’s not going to have to spend five years wiping with her hand, is she?