Neil Gorsuch’s confirmation was perhaps finer. But nothing ever has or ever will better distill the essence of Trump’s appeal than this photo from the White House Twitter account, which rocketed across the Internet last night after Trump hosted Clemson football for dinner:
It’s all there. The presidential showman. The weirdly alluring mix of high taste, in the form of White House finery and candelabras, and low. The sheer gluttonous excess of that spread. And of course Honest Abe presiding over it all in portrait, deep in thought at the decadent-in-every-sense tableau before him. I joked last night that it looks like a scene from a Willy Wonka remake except with fast food instead of chocolate, but it’s only a half-joke. Trump is a Wonka character of a sort, a rich eccentric who understands better than most what the average person craves. Imagine winning a national championship in football, getting invited to the White House to meet the president, and arriving to find an all-you-can-eat banquet of the tastiest slop concocted by the world’s fast-food industry laid out on silver platters. It’s an American kid’s fantasy come to life. I’ve never liked him more.
The only thing missing is women in bikinis. And you know if it was up to Trump they would have been there too.
Ironically, it never would have happened if not for the shutdown. The White House would have put out a traditional spread for the team but much of the hospitality staff has been furloughed. So POTUS treated them to his favorite food instead:
“The reason we did this is because of the shutdown.” Pres. Trump followed through on his plan to serve Clemson Tigers football team a collection of fast food as the national champs visited The White House on Monday. https://t.co/DXjbgixKR1 pic.twitter.com/f92vfgr1Bt
— ABC News (@ABC) January 15, 2019
Great being with the National Champion Clemson Tigers last night at the White House. Because of the Shutdown I served them massive amounts of Fast Food (I paid), over 1000 hamburgers etc. Within one hour, it was all gone. Great guys and big eaters!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 15, 2019
The two greatest moments most of those kids will ever experience happened in the span of a week. One: Running Bama off the field in the national title game. Two: Booting in the White House bathroom after knocking down seven Big Macs.
Until this morning, when it tweeted out this video, the only photos of the event on the official White House Twitter account were of Trump posing with the food, none of him with the players. That’s one of many laughs to come out of this ridiculous spectacle:
This is the news photo that would make a returning time traveler realize they fucked something up pic.twitter.com/DwKe35Uicm
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) January 15, 2019
But what’s his THIRD wish? pic.twitter.com/9ktAo16Tl2
— Brian Lynch (@BrianLynch) January 15, 2019
One 12-year-old boy.
One magic amulet.
One crazy election.
PRESIDENT BIG BOY
coming this fall on NBC pic.twitter.com/kpwpJensoH
— Rob Rousseau (@robrousseau) January 15, 2019
There was no Taco Bell among the spread, interestingly. Although, as many people joked, maybe Trump will get Taco Bell to pay for it.
He threw in this line too when addressing the players. There’ll be some chin-pulling about this today in the media:
Trump told Clemson players he had a choice: No food for them, “Or do we give you some little quick salads that the first lady will make, along with, along with the second lady. They’ll make some salads." https://t.co/VLypPHMSz6 pic.twitter.com/gZZUS1UXVl
— Oliver Darcy (@oliverdarcy) January 15, 2019
Sexist implications aside, the image of glamorous Melania Trump personally preparing a trough of salad for 100 football players is itself worth its weight in Quarter Pounders.
Anyway, condolences to Clemson players on their explosive diarrhea today.