To cleanse the palate, I wrote about this awhile back when we first learned they were planning a more “adult” Muppets. Because someone somewhere decided that that’s what America needs right now.

What we didn’t know at the time was how adult it was going to be. C’mon.

[B]old as this creative decision was—and executed quite successfully, too—it’s jarring, at best. At worst, it’s a bastardization.

This is a world where Fozzie knows what Grindr is. Where Kermit’s new girlfriend (more on that later) makes sexual innuendos. Where Zoot is an alcoholic and there are jokes about Miss Piggy’s pubic hair. Wocka wocka!…

Every “grown up” plot point, whether a work woe or a relationship drama, makes perfect sense in the greater Muppet universe. It’s just that some of us don’t want to live in a universe where Fozzie Bear knows what kind of fetish he would be on a gay sex hookup app.

You can get a taste of the humor in the clips below. When Kimmel asks Kermit how old his new girlfriend is, the reply comes back: “Old enough.” You’ll never enjoy “Rainbow Connection” again.

The problem with the show isn’t that it won’t be funny — the Kimmel clip is amusing as a parody of celebrity break-ups and famewhoring — but that there’s just no way any of us will feel good watching it. Right? Give me a scenario where Miss Piggy makes a joke about getting waxed and somehow afterward you don’t end up staring into a dimly lit bathroom mirror wondering why you ever stopped drinking. For every American over the age of, say, 35, this will be relentlessly traumatic. Which is not to say it’ll do poorly in the ratings: Nothing attracts a crowd like a car crash.

Americans under 35 will love it, though, I bet. Exit question: When will Obama make his first cameo? Probably next spring to coincide with open enrollment for ObamaCare, I’m thinking.