You know what’s more American? Fighting wars to crush secessionism. Or better yet, winning an election, something the 3% rEVOLution tried last year and at which they failed dismally. Having had his agenda to remake government rejected by his countrymen, America’s Greatest Patriot wonders if they’re really his countrymen after all and points to an antebellum model of states’ rights to bring about Paultopia. And to think, I used to call him a Bircheresque crank.

Also, did you know that when your kid says the “pledge of allegiance,” he’s actually reciting socialist propaganda? True story.