Report: Ted Haggard now "completely heterosexual"

Improbable, yes. Impossible? Heavens, no. Why, Ivanka Trump turned Andy Dick straight just a few nights ago on Jimmy Kimmel’s show.

You know what the freakiest thing is about Ivanka’s nuclear hotness? She really does look like Donald. Brrrr.

Anyway, Haggard’s back on the team and brandishing the unlikeliest excuse since Mel “Four-beer Nazi” Gibson:

[Rev. Tim] Ralph [a member of Haggard’s oversight board] said three weeks of counseling at an undisclosed Arizona treatment center helped Haggard immensely and left Haggard sure of one thing.

“He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

Why Haggard chose to act out in that manner is something Haggard and his advisers are trying to discern, Ralph said.

He and his wife say they’re planning to go back to school to get their degrees in psychology, which led the advisory board to politely suggest they turn their attention to secular work henceforth instead of Christian ministry. I don’t see why the two should be mutually exclusive, but some good might come of it: those of us who belong to the “least trusted minority group in America” can use all the help we can get.