I'm with the bear. And the bull. And the shark...

In the non-political world there was a sad story this weekend out in Yellowstone National Park. A man who was, by all accounts, an experienced hiker and outdoorsman was killed and eaten by a grizzly bear. Or so the authorities think, anyway.

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The victim, whose name has not been released, was found Friday in a popular off-trail area less than a mile from Elephant Back Loop Trail — an area he was known to frequent. His body was partially eaten and covered.

Based on partial tracks found at the scene, it appears that an adult female grizzly and at least one cub were present and likely involved in the incident near Yellowstone Lake, the statement said.

Before I get to the point of this, allow me to share a brief story with you which requires a trip in the wayback machine to the early 1960s. My Uncle Jack was out deer hunting with my dad and my Uncle Bernie when I was still just a toddler. At some point in the morning, still having failed to flush out a deer, Jack moved into a small clearing and surprised a female black bear with a cub. Now, a male black bear will often simply wander away if there’s a clear path of escape, or sometimes just ignore you. A mama bear, however, reacts almost universally in one way: she charged.

Jack was carrying a .30-30 pump action rifle and he started firing. In fact, he emptied the magazine into the bear, but it didn’t come close to stopping her and she knocked Jack onto his back, fracturing many bones in the process, and proceeded to tear his chest and abdomen apart until she fell dead on top of his legs. She’d been fighting past the point of realizing she was dead. Fortunately, my dad and Bernie heard the shots, came running, and bound Jack’s wounds. (They were almost all superficial, or at least didn’t cut deep into the organs and both men had Army field medic experience.) Jack survived the trip to the hospital but his chest was a mass of ugly scar tissue to the end of his days. He used to love taking off his shirt at family reunions at camp and seeing the kids run away screaming. (Yeah, he was an odd duck.)

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But the point is, never once in all the years when he reveled in telling that story, neither he nor my dad or anyone else ever suggested blaming the bear. (They did make a rug out of it, but hey… it’s was a fight to the death.) Nor did they suggest that bears were too dangerous and the government should come clear them out. They’re just bears. They live in the woods. It’s what they do.

That’s why the next part of the news report I linked above is so disturbing.

Additional park rangers and wildlife biologists responded to the scene and gathered evidence for bear DNA recovery. The investigation continued Saturday, though heavy rainfall in the area hampered additional evidence recovery.

Wildlife biologists set bear traps in the area on Friday evening. If bears are trapped and identified as having been involved in the attack, they will be euthanized.

Seriously? We’re now sending out CSI Yellowstone to gather bear DNA? And if the “suspect” is properly identified you’re going to execute him.

Here’s a news flash for the park rangers… I’m on the bear’s side. And it’s not because I’m some Greenpeace, save the spotted owl loon either. Look… I feel bad that the guy died and all, but let’s face it; he was out in the woods. That’s not your home. It’s the bear’s home. The park rangers need to provide safety information for visitors in the form of helpful signs, pamphlets and tour guides which loudly repeat (for the city folk, of course) that there are bears in the woods. But beyond that, you’re sort of on your own. If the bear comes wandering down into the populated areas then shoot the bear. Fine. No problem. But if the bear is up in the wilderness minding his own business you’re sort of playing by your own rules.

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The guy who was killed by the bear may have been doing everything right and perhaps it was just an unfortunate accident. But any sympathy the public has for him is probably somewhat diminished by the lady who beat him into the headlines earlier in the season when she was gored by a bison. What’s that, you say? A bison? But bison don’t seem terribly aggressive. They’re more like big cows. You’re right. They’re not. But they really hate selfies.

Visitors to Yellowstone Park seem to be having trouble taking in the message that it’s not a good idea to get too close to the wild bison that roam the wilderness.

The latest person to find out the hard way is a 43-year-old Mississippi woman who tried to take a selfie with one of the hairy beasts near a trail on Tuesday.

If you try to take a selfie with a bison, you deserve to be gored. Oh, and here’s a guy who just this week was gored by bulls at one of those “running of the bulls” things in Spain because he was busy trying to frame the perfect shot of the bull on his phone. You know what? The bull doesn’t give a tinker’s damn about your video. He’s a bull. He should be out in a field someplace waiting to be made into steaks to start with, but if he’s running down a street and your first instinct was whip to out your phone for a video, you probably shouldn’t be reproducing anyway.

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The same thing goes for when you go in the ocean. Yes, yes… surfing looks like great fun. I used to scuba dive myself. But that’s not your territory. You are the stranger there and the king of the land is the shark. It is not the shark’s fault when he rips you apart like he did this particular surfer in Maine this summer. You’re in the shark’s back yard and that’s the chance you took. (And if you had the gumption, you could have just punched it.)

The point of all this is… why are they going to go hunt down and kill the bear? If this is some sort of perverse sense of “justice” then you’re doing it wrong. I have no problem with hunting bears if that’s what you’re into, but this isn’t sport hunting. This is revenge… and it’s stupid. This wasn’t the bear’s fault. He was just being a bear. It’s the guy’s own fault that he’s dead when all is said and done, and killing the bear isn’t going to solve anything.

UPDATE: (Jazz) The suspect has been captured. A request for comment by the bear’s attorney was not returned at press time.

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