Canada’s government must reach out to the undead

Canada must repudiate extremism on both sides of the conflict. Just as there are zombies who want to eat every human being on earth until the entire planet is reduced to an apocalyptic wasteland, so there are also living people who refuse to allow any cannibalism at all and insist upon total zombie eradication. A final resolution will be reached only by negotiating a middle way: a way that acknowledges both the historic aspirations of the zombies to rip apart quite a lot of people, and also the legitimate security concerns of the living not to be slaughtered to the last man, woman and child…

Baird speaks of “zombies” as a monolith, ignoring the subtle but important differences within the zombie movement. Some zombies eat both flesh and brains. Others eat brains only. Some zombies were living human beings as recently as an hour ago; others have been undead for many centuries. Some moderate zombies will be satisfied with just a leg or an arm. Others will keep munching until the whole carcass has been gnawed to the bone. A foreign policy worthy of the name would recognize these crucial distinctions.

We have sadly come to expect macho anti-zombie chest-thumping from certain neoconservative media outlets. But it is a fatal impediment to the nuanced understanding that alone can lead to a just and lasting peace.