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Making marriage work when only one spouse believes in God

Bixby and Peyer may disagree about faith but they share common values. Even in their vocations — she’s an oncology nurse, and he teaches fourth grade.

“Mike works with kids that come from really hard places. And I work with people that are dying of cancer and living with cancer,” Peyer says. “And for me to do that as a Christian person, for Mike to do that as an atheist, wouldn’t look a whole lot different if either one of us were the other.”

“Maria’s faith plays a role in making her the person that I love, and I’m good with that. I think we’re both the people who we are because of her faith because of my lack of faith, and I don’t want to change that,” Bixby says.

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So?

Fallon on January 17, 2013 at 9:32 PM

Disaster incoming.

MelonCollie on January 17, 2013 at 9:35 PM

No sweat, provided both believe in respecting individual integrity. My mom and dad were that way, but they respected each others integrity, and there was never a problem over that.

The cure for intolerance, the cure for sexism, the cure for racism, blah blah blah, is respect for the integrity of each individual.

petefrt on January 17, 2013 at 9:37 PM

Huzzah for them! Generally it’s much harder to remain married the further apart the faith traditions are. A Muslim and a Catholic, COULD work, but it’s just incredibly hard if both believe.

I guess an atheist and a Lutheran is easier, so long as the atheist isn’t one of the stupid variety…you know convinced of his/her intellectual superiority and condescending to his, in this case, “superstitious” wife.

I ran into this planning my Life Partner’s remembrance celebration….my partner’s brother does NOT share our values. And though we get along, he told me how he just disagreed, strongly, with my partner’s spiritual community. Which is “OK”, we don’t have to believe together to love one another, BUT I couldn’t really live with the brother because he and I just fundamentally butt heads on our spiritual issues. And those fundamental differences aren’t just theological, they become, if we BELIEVE a part of our world views and how we interact with the world.

Bottom-Line: what we believe informs our world view and shapes how we deal with the world…radically different world views, simply means that partners have radically different ways of seeing and dealing with the world. And that’s not exactly a recipe for marital/relationship success.

JFKY on January 17, 2013 at 9:45 PM

So one is a republican and the other is an Obama believer? Amiright?

BJ* on January 17, 2013 at 9:49 PM

This is just like in our house.
I believe in God and my husband doesn’t.
He believes in me

burrata on January 17, 2013 at 9:56 PM

So one is a republican and the other is an Obama believer? Amiright?

No she’s a Lutheran, more than likely they are BOTH Obama Believrs, they are on NPR.

JFKY on January 17, 2013 at 10:00 PM

“Mike works with kids that come from really hard places. And I work with people that are dying of cancer and living with cancer,” Peyer says. “And for me to do that as a Christian person, for Mike to do that as an atheist, wouldn’t look a whole lot different if either one of us were the other.”

Really? Whether or not you believe in the immortality of the soul (or the existence of souls, even!) has no bearing on how you approach death? Regardless of who’s right, shouldn’t that make a difference?

sadarj on January 17, 2013 at 10:03 PM

i couldn’t do this, i couldn’t make this work. i have to marry someone with the same beliefs, he needs to understand that Jesus is #1 in my life and Jesus needs to be #1 in his. then we can help each other grow in our Christian faith. (sounds cliche, i know, but it’s true) when it comes to having friends, i make friends with every belief. but when it comes to who i’ll marry, we have GOT to be on that same fundamental level of belief.

Sachiko on January 17, 2013 at 10:03 PM

Marriage can work fine when both partners aren’t religious. It’s just like any other short-term contractual relationship, where nothing is in writing and both parties have wildly different expectations.

But when one spouse is religious and the other isn’t… Oh, well, actually I guess it works out just the same.

logis on January 17, 2013 at 10:04 PM

Really? Whether or not you believe in the immortality of the soul (or the existence of souls, even!) has no bearing on how you approach death?

It can… prior to my relationship with my Life Partner, my views of God/Higher Power matched Riddick’s in Pitch Black. Anger at God/the Dharma does NOT make for an easy passage to death….After a while, I’d imagine, that unless one has a fairly strong and secure belief in SOMETHING, dealing with terminal patients would be terribly depressing.

So yeah dealing with death is PRODOUNDLY influenced by one’s views on the nature of the process…terrible end or new beginning….the former would wear, the latter would succour.

JFKY on January 17, 2013 at 10:08 PM

sadarj on January 17, 2013 at 10:03 PM

Of course, I was assuming that the Christian spouse actually believes in life after death. Given the theological drift of the mainline Protestant churches, I guess that’s no longer a given. In which case, maybe it doesn’t make a difference after all.

sadarj on January 17, 2013 at 10:12 PM

Given the theological drift of the mainline Protestant churches,

As long as you support Head Start, female clergy, and Universal Health Care one’s belief in the after life or lack thereof is of no concern to many mainline Protestant churches.

JFKY on January 17, 2013 at 10:14 PM

petefrt on January 17, 2013 at 9:37 PM

Addendum

Times have changed since my parents’ day. In DC , I lived with a few lib girl friends in the 80′s, and would never date a lib again. They are guilt-ridden and they want to take their guilt out on you… because you are so happy, they are so unhappy, and because they can’t stand it, they try to drag you down.

I’m certain there were some nice libs out there in DC at the time, it’s just that I didn’t meet them.

petefrt on January 17, 2013 at 10:29 PM

This Lutheran pastor would remind a couple that they are not to be unequally yoked, the believer with the unbeliever.

I will not officiate marriage between Lutherans and unbelievers. I have no interest in presiding over disasters.

Those who suppose they can dictate any other policy have been advised to find a lake and go jump into it.

Scribbler on January 17, 2013 at 10:52 PM

As long as you support Head Start, female clergy, and Universal Health Care one’s belief in the after life or lack thereof is of no concern to many mainline Protestant churches.

JFKY on January 17, 2013 at 10:14 PM

All too painfully true. And don’t get me started about the moronic “unity” “church” right around the block where ever belief is equal…what a joke…ever seen that moronic libtard “COEXIST” bumper sticker? Imagine a church based off that.

I’m sticking with Evangelical Free probably for life.

MelonCollie on January 17, 2013 at 10:53 PM

Those who suppose they can dictate any other policy have been advised to find a lake and go jump into it.

Scribbler on January 17, 2013 at 10:52 PM

And before someone wails at the ‘bigot’, let it be known that God Himself is against such ‘yokings’, so take it up with Him.

MelonCollie on January 17, 2013 at 10:54 PM

What if only one is a christian and therefore the christian believes in the rule of law and that torture is an unholy, inhuman, morally repugnant act of evil?

While the other spouse is not a christian and therefore does not care about christian values, the rule of law or about torturing someone even if it breaks current US laws and treaties?

JustTheFacts on January 17, 2013 at 11:03 PM