Thinking the unthinkable: Life with a child who’s mentally ill
I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he terrifies me.
A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books. His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael, then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.
That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist…
I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am Jason Holmes’s mother. I am Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’s mother. And these boys—and their mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.
Blowback
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You must have missed all the threads about Obamacare and how pre-Obamacare healthcare was (and still is) universally portrayed by commenters as flawless paragon of perfection and exemplary case of success of free market.
I do agree on the ignore button. Would be a nice feature.
lester on December 16, 2012 at 1:29 PM
When the British atarted reviewing the individual files of the mentally committed in the 1960s and 1970s, they found women who had been sent to mental institutions decades before because the women had each had an illegitimate child. Unfortunately, some of these women had spent their whole adult lives in an institution, and could not be released to cope with to with outside world.
If you remember the actress Elsa Lanchester, who played the Bride in “The Bride of Frnakenstein,” her mother was briefly institutionalized in the early Twentieth Century by the family for giving birth to Elsa out of wedlock. Elsa’s father got her mother released. (The parents defied convention all their lives and never did marry.)
The problem with families institutionalizing troublesome, embaressing, or in-control-of-the-family-money relatives, was that there was little or no periodic review of the patients’ conditions. 72 hours certainly is too short a time to stabilize some conditions, but years without a review led to the abuses that helped empty so many mental institutions.
Wethal on December 16, 2012 at 1:32 PM
Fascinating story re: Elsa Lanchester’s parents. Thanks!
Ladysmith CulchaVulcha on December 16, 2012 at 1:36 PM
Well they weren’t my mistakes, I’m 26 I had no part in those decisions. But if it was liberals who decided to close the institutions during the Reagan administration, so be it.
I can be assured of conservative cooperation, then, when the time comes to rebuild our mental institutions?
ernesto on December 16, 2012 at 1:40 PM
The FDA has not approved any drugs for the control of violence, because there are no such medications. All psychiatric drugs carry the potential risk of driving the individual to violence. The newer antidepressants such as P.r.o.z.a.c, P.a.x.i.l, Z.o.l.o.f.t, and the antipsychotic drugs such as Z.y.p.r.e.x.a, can cause a disorder caused akathisia – a terrible inner sensation of agitation accompanied by a compulsion to move about. Akathisia is known to drive people to suicide and to aggression.
These drugs were not the answer for this child…so why keep giving him more? All of these drugs can throw the mind of the user into chaos…and sometimes drug induced symptoms can be permanent.
The mind of this poor child has probably been made worse.
lynncgb on December 16, 2012 at 1:48 PM
There must be periodic judicial review for commitments.
This woman’s child is obviously ill. More problematic are those who are merely maladjusted or odd, or who show no symptoms at all before rapidly descending into a psychotic state.
There are no easy answers. But unless action is taken by those who first observe psychotic ideation or behavior, we will have more preventable tragedies.
novaculus on December 16, 2012 at 1:50 PM
By that you mean additional spending with no demand for efficiencies in overlapping services (re:social work), right?
rogerb on December 16, 2012 at 1:53 PM
The time is now, ernesto. You are in power. What are you waiting for?
Gelsomina on December 16, 2012 at 1:58 PM
Ernie’s weak . Not much there.Just another Koolaid drinker who doesn’t
even have the strength to look at himself in the mirror.
CW on December 16, 2012 at 2:07 PM
again read the story. The child is not psychotic. He is acting rational, he is very smart he has made the calaculations and decided his behaviors gets results therefore he engages in those behaviors.
the child is NOt psychotic. He is a smart child who has figured out how to best his mother by usings fits, threats and violence.
His “treatment” requires tough love. He had no structure at home. He rules the home not the parents. He knows it and the mother is unable to do what is needed to correct his behavior.
unseen on December 16, 2012 at 2:07 PM
No.
ernesto on December 16, 2012 at 2:11 PM
The reason why there are so many problems with handling mental health issues and mentally deranged people is not only because of the ACLU and their fight to close down all the asylums, but with the idiot psychiatrists and psychologists who have allowed their politics to infest their profession (just as with climatologists) and worked feverishly to extend their powers over society, making a mockery of their fields in the process. The mental health system is in a shambles in good part because only a deranged idiot would trust psychiatrists and psychologists with anything. These “professionals” love to testify about how psychopathic lunatics only snapped temporarily (the whole “temporary insanity ruse is offensive) and can be counted on to be normal unsnapping people in the future – as if. They love to diagnose widespread “mental health issues” out of the blue (as with ADD all of a sudden being seen to affect a huge amount of teen boys, thereby leading psychiatrists to have lines of kids in elementary and middle school snaking through the halls at lunchtime, waiting to take very strong and serious medication for an “illness” that didn’t exist a decade before and that no one had any problem with. And we know that schools (which couldn’t care less about the welfare of the kids) are more than happy to pressure parents to drug their kids into submission so that the school can use sub-par teachers with larger classrooms.
Yeah, it is the people who populate these professions that destroy their credibility (even aside from the courts going outside of their powers) and leave us with nothing. This is what weak personalities do, and, in the West, weak personalities become leftists who love nothing more than bossing everyone else around and dragging the rest of society into their lunatic worlds.
ThePrimordialOrderedPair on December 16, 2012 at 2:12 PM
Hey, there you are. Since you’re seeing my posts, hopefully you can address this:
rogerb on December 16, 2012 at 2:15 PM
Thank God, on multiple levels, that you dont have a child with this issue. Obviously no experience with it as well. Unfortunately for everyone involved some parents do treat this like it’s a discipline problem. I have family members who work with children across the autistic spectrum and they see this too.
This isnt a bad parenting issue, it’s not some punk kid cursing out his mom. This is a kid who threatens to kill and pulls a knife. A kid with a physical problem that needs to be dealt with. You’re not going to solve that by throwing his XBox in the trash.
Dash on December 16, 2012 at 2:17 PM
where is the crowd that blames the shootings on the lack of god or on satan on this thread? do they advise an exorcism on mentally ill people?
nathor on December 16, 2012 at 2:18 PM
You really suck at building straw men.
I mean, really, really suck at it.
ButterflyDragon on December 16, 2012 at 2:21 PM
I disagreed with the entire premise. Why should the number of social workers have anything to do with the number of doctors? Why shouldn’t there be more social workers, whose qualifications don’t include a decade of expensive schooling, and whose job descriptions vary wildly? I won’t swing at your straw man.
ernesto on December 16, 2012 at 2:28 PM
Read the story. the son thorws a fit everytime he doesn’t get his way. he continues to escalate the event until he gets his way.
Let’s see the mother describes three events. The one is the pants. Guess what the kid never made it to school. He got his way. the second is returning overdue books which caused the child to draw a knife and threaten to kill her. Hey guess what the kid never returned the overdue books HE got his way. the third one was him asking for his video games back. when he didn’t get his way he threatened to kill himself. Again he didn’t get his way he throws a fit. the fits are not uncontrollable or come out of nowhere. As he continues to not get his way he continues to lay markers and has a controlled escalation of the scene. they are triggerd by specific actions (i.e him not getting his way) He escalates the fits, threats and violence until His mother caves and he doesn’t have to do the thing that started the fit. the longer it goes that he doesn’t get his way the furhter he escalates the event. Until he understands that fits rage threats and anything else doesn’t work He will continue to use them.
unseen on December 16, 2012 at 2:32 PM
While I generally agree with this style of parenting, if the kid is pulling a knife, it’s time to escalate, if only for the safety of everyone involved. Yes, perhaps this kid is just a manipulative creep, but it’s too late for them.
ernesto on December 16, 2012 at 2:35 PM
Got it. Need more at any given time, period.
Not a half-hour earlier:
Ha.
rogerb on December 16, 2012 at 2:37 PM
Again, you’re building a straw man. There’s nothing mutually exclusive about my statements, I just refuse to acknowledge your straw man.
ernesto on December 16, 2012 at 2:39 PM
what straw men? its a fact that some social cons here in HA were blaming this on lack of god in schools or even satan…
even huckabee blamed this on lack of god in schools.
no joke!
nathor on December 16, 2012 at 2:46 PM
unseen Twelve year olds, even punk ones, don’t pull knifes on Mom as the first provocation. This is a child with serious problems who needs help.
Illinidiva on December 16, 2012 at 2:46 PM
I was noticing that many are blaming video games and TV shows and it is just as hard to blame them as guns given the statistics showing that the vast majority of users of either are law abiding and responsible people. But I also noticed that this lady uses electronics as her carrot and stick. I think if we wanted to we could find most of the the personality traits that cause these outbreaks. Instead we are trying to find blank answers that infringe on others rights.
Cindy Munford on December 16, 2012 at 2:48 PM
I agree with your point on consistency. You refer to the other parent (or partner). That is really key. Discipline is difficult, even with two parents. With one parent, especially one who works, it’s much much harder.
dedalus on December 16, 2012 at 2:54 PM
You don’t have to. Thanks for the posts.
rogerb on December 16, 2012 at 3:03 PM
You seem to think that mental illness is a discipline problem. That’s like telling a man with Parkinson’s to pull himself together and stop shaking.
Gelsomina on December 16, 2012 at 3:10 PM
I think those pointing fingers at the mother here are way off base. To me, she seems like she is doing the best she can given the situation she’s in. Guess what; we as parents are human too and arent expected to be 100% perfect 100% of the time. Most parents of 3 kids have exhausted days they give in too much or aren’t perfectly consistent or don’t choose the best mix of discipline and reward. Most normal parents learn, apologize, correct, move on, and their kids thrive if the overall sutuation is positive. Normal kids do not wield knives and threaten suicide. This kid is not normal. This mom not only needs help with her mentally ill child, but is sharing her story so that it will help others and prevent another tragedy. Picking apart her actions that could have perhaps been slightly improved on is not going to cure her son or provide the support others need.
Guess what, most parents use electronics as a reward or taking away as a punishment. Most kids are normal. Should we maybe take a look at how violet these games are, probably yes, but they are not turning perfectly healthy kids into violent uncotrolable monsters. Kids who for whatever reason have these tendencies need a little better options than what this mom has available to her, that is the point of this article. If Lanza’s mom had better options, maybe 26 people would be alive today.
I also think the drugs these kids are on that are supposed to be helping them may be a big part of the problem, I’d like to see that looked into more.
rose-of-sharon on December 16, 2012 at 3:16 PM
who says it was the first provocation? seems from the article the son escalates the event until he gets his way. Hell she states her 7 and 9 year already have a “safety plan” the child did not pull the knife out of the blue. It is a rational response to the type of behavior response he has learned over the last 13 year would be my guess. Most physoctic breaks from my understands happens when these type of people finally run into a problem where they don’t get their way.
be it a girlfriend that no longer wants them. a divocre of parents they can’t fix etc. I also notice in the sotry there is no talk of punishment besides grounding video games. She lets others punish her child.
but I agree the child has serious problems but its not because he has a mental illness it seems it is because he has learned the wrong behavior reinforcements and I agree he needs help because it seems from the story the mother has been unable to do what is needed.
unseen on December 16, 2012 at 3:17 PM
Agreed.
Ladysmith CulchaVulcha on December 16, 2012 at 3:20 PM
no I’m saying the story of this child is one of a disipline problem not mental illness. Using your example it would be like telling someone who learned to binge drink to pull themselves together and sip their beer instead of doing beer bong.
unseen on December 16, 2012 at 3:20 PM
I have to agree this goes beyond a discipline problem. As this mother states, “a Russian novel of behavioral plans” has been tried. This family has sought the help of doctors, counselors, social workers, teachers, school administrators and probation officers. For this child to be able to fool all of these professionals into thinking he has a psychiatric problem where none exists, would seem rather impossible.
lynncgb on December 16, 2012 at 3:22 PM
Why would a parent reward their child for good behavior?
unseen on December 16, 2012 at 3:29 PM
BTW ernesto, I agree that you might not personally disagree with this post:
But your proxies hold positions similar to what I posted. And it’s recent, not a that-thing-that-happened-before-I-showed-up-and-you-can’t-blame-me-for-that-stuff situation.
You voted for it.
You saw it, and even acknowledged it briefly, here:
rogerb on December 16, 2012 at 3:31 PM
I don’t think the child is out to “fool” anyone. and in most cases people find what they are looking for, preconcieved notions and all that ..
unseen on December 16, 2012 at 3:32 PM
Not hard to miss threads and comments that don’t exist.
xblade on December 16, 2012 at 3:38 PM
Actually I did not say “good behavior”, you did. I said as a reward and didn’t specific for what. It might not have to do with behavior, it might be other goals, academic or otherwise, chores, going above and beyond in some way. Adults don’t go to work everyday to be “good”, they do for their paycheck. Life is about positive consequences and negative consequences. There are varying ways parents implement the same idea in raising children. That is up to the parents, and under normal circumstance different techniques might work better than others. That is a separate and iteresting topic completely irrelevant to this mothers situation. Different techniques don’t make normal children violent and suicidal.
rose-of-sharon on December 16, 2012 at 3:39 PM
Me too rose-a-sharon. Prescribed psychotropic drugs have been well documented to cause mania, psychosis, violence, suicide and in some cases homicidal ideation. It is a horrible injustice that the general public is not generally being informed about the links which have been shown to exist between psychiatric drugs and violence. Think some of these drugs like P.r.o.z.a.c are no big deal. Think again.
lynncgb on December 16, 2012 at 3:44 PM
How do you know that? You have never seen this child. You have no idea what’s going on in him. Just because he uses his superior intelligence to manipulate people doesn’t mean he’s not mentally ill.
Van Gogh was one of the greatest artists, but he was a danger for others and himself. A mental illness doesn’t turn people into babbling idiots.
Gelsomina on December 16, 2012 at 3:52 PM
No, I didn’t think that’s what you meant, but the boy would need to fool alot of people into thinking there was a medical problem nonetheless.
For a doctor to be convinced enough to prescribe the kinds of medications this child has been on, they would have to have a reasonable amount of confidence that he has a condition that goes beyond a behavior problem. As much as I think doctors are too quick to jump to these drugs as an answer, they still would have performed an evaluation, and concluded this child was in need medical intervention.
A trained medical professional would recognize someone who truly exhibited psychiatric problems from one who didn’t.
lynncgb on December 16, 2012 at 4:03 PM
doesn’t mean he is mentally ill either.
unseen on December 16, 2012 at 4:41 PM
Is that like a rule or something, or an irrefutable law of nature?
Sounds more like he’s saying that every unruly child isn’t necessarily suffering from mental illness. They can’t even diagnose what this kid has…most likely because he doesn’t have anything.
Neither does anyone else here. Hasn’t stopped them from declaring matter of factly that this kid is without a doubt mentally ill.
If that cancer or leukemia was in danger of killing his 2 brothers, I can assure you most parents would make arrangements to keep them separate. Not sure how that equates to throwing away and no longer loving the sick child. Nice try though.
xblade on December 16, 2012 at 5:33 PM
No where does the author of the article, nor the commenter you were replying to for that matter, object to the boy being kept separate. That is the point of the article, if you read it, is that there isn’t annappropriate place for him to be placed. The monther has been told to file charges and have him incarcerated. The problem is that he is not a criminal yet, and he needs a mental care facility, not a prison. That is what equates to throwing him away. The mother admits she needs help, repeatedly, and has used every resource she can find while keeping him at home, but has no other options than one that begins with law enforcement. Its possible Adam Lanza’s mother faced a similar situation and that is why the author wrote the article to shed some light of the situation parents of mentally ill kids face based on her experience.
rose-of-sharon on December 16, 2012 at 6:36 PM
BTW lester, I’ve never thought you had much of a sense of humor, but that was a really bizarre and really great post. Well done.
rogerb on December 17, 2012 at 6:25 AM
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