The case for cohabiting
More recent studies, Sassler says, signal an alarm bell only for a select group: serial cohabiters. “People who live with multiple partners have higher divorce rates. If you’ve only lived with the person you are going to marry, you have no greater chance of getting divorced than a couple who hasn’t lived together,” Sassler explains.
What about the insidious tumble effect—or in the parlance of the demo, “Your lease is up, my lease is up, so, sure, let’s move in together?”
This phenomenon also needs a disclaimer, says Amanda Miller, a professor of sociology at the University of Central Oklahoma who has researched the mechanics of cohabitation. “You really have to take class into account,” Miller says. “In the research Sharon Sassler and I conducted, we found that middle-class couples were far more likely to have the luxury to decide to move in together rather than sliding into it.”
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Ok, I’ll say it. Why should be buy the cow when he can have the milk for free? That’s what my Grandma used to us.
Kristamatic on April 19, 2012 at 11:01 AM
*tell
Kristamatic on April 19, 2012 at 11:01 AM
Heh. My GF and I wish we could ‘cohabit’, if only because we start going crazy(er) without seeing each other for a week. I suspect we’re not the first couple in history to feel that way…
Won’t happen, though, because our respective families (especially mine) would go absolutely ape$hit. I have to pick my battles very carefully at the moment and this one is a no-go.
MelonCollie on April 19, 2012 at 11:01 AM
Cue judgemental sococons bashing couples who live together – as if they were all pure as the wind-driven snow until their wedding nights.
Trends away from marriage and toward cohabitation are interesting from a sociological perspective, but it’s not really a political issue (since it’s none of the government’s business) – unless you want to get into tax policy. But if I had my way, we’d have a flat tax or a consumption tax, so it would be moot even then.
I have always found it ironic that gays are so eager to “marry” legally when so many hetero couples are staying away from it as long as possible.
DRayRaven on April 19, 2012 at 11:04 AM
In a Christian understanding and worldview it’s not right, regardless of whether or not professing Christians do it or not.
That said, whether or not it’s a good thing for a marraige depends upon the mindset and beliefs of the two individuals. If both people believe in committment and hold each other’s feet to the fire as well as themselves, acknowledging that a relationship takes work, then it will last.
I know people who never cohabited before marriage who had/have very long/lasting marraiges and people who have cohabited with similar lengthy marraiges.
Conversely I’ve known people who’ve cohabited and not co-habited before marriage whose marraiges didn’t last very long.
It’s the mindset of the people that makes the difference, not the act itself, though I do believe that by and large it’s not good for marraige – and not just because it’s wrong from a Christian, moral point of view.
Logus on April 19, 2012 at 11:05 AM
Marriage will cure that. =)
portlandon on April 19, 2012 at 11:05 AM
It’s because the gays know if it comes to a divorce court battle the judge will be so confused as to which person to screw over in the settlement it will have to go 50/50.
angelwing34215 on April 19, 2012 at 11:08 AM
It’s going to be interesting when gays finally get to marry…and then run into the same divorce epidemic as heteros.
What happens when, say, you have two women in divorce court? According to the unwritten laws, they BOTH have boobs so they BOTH should be able to strip their partners of kids, car, house, bank account and all.
But obviously that’s not physically possible…so what do you do?
MelonCollie on April 19, 2012 at 11:09 AM
There is no reason to be judgemental. We can still point out truth while also acknowledging that many who profess to follow Christ willfully ignore things they know they shouldn’t do. Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t continue to aspire for or try to take the high, straight and narrow road. You fall down, you dust yourself off and keep on walking, always aiming for and trying to stay on that high road.
Cohabiting before marraige is not right. There, I said it, but I’ll not judge you or anyone else who does it. But I will point out whether it’s right or wrong. There is a difference between JUDGING! and judging. Too many Christians and non-Christians don’t know the difference.
Logus on April 19, 2012 at 11:12 AM
If our financial situation wasn’t crap with a capital C…
She’s in a wheelchair and almost has to threaten calling in the local news crews to even get interviews. As for me, my previous boss had to close down his shop, and my current boss’s wife just had a nasty stroke.
If you know anyone in the midwest area who’s actually hiring, and not just collecting applications, we’d both be eternally grateful.
MelonCollie on April 19, 2012 at 11:12 AM
” tell him, ‘Baby, my cash money.”
rhombus on April 19, 2012 at 11:14 AM
I hate to have to admit it, but Madison continues to maintain one of the lowest unemployment rates in the nation. The cost of living is a little painful, but I regularly see hiring signs around here.
MadisonConservative on April 19, 2012 at 11:15 AM
Some of them are already experiencing the problem. It’s sadly, ironically humorous, if not for the children often caught in the middle.
I recently read of a case of two women trying to divorce themselves. The problem? They got married in a state that allows homosexuals to marry, but live in a state that doesn’t.
In one sense they’re idiots. In another it would seem that they’re trying to test the system and force “teh gay agenda” by another method.
Logus on April 19, 2012 at 11:15 AM
That goes both ways. In more ways than one. Why should she buy the milk if she can get the cow for free?
keep the change on April 19, 2012 at 11:15 AM
That’s the key.
Duh.
If you keep living with different people, odds are you really don’t have much interest in or consideration for a long-term, monogamous, committed relationship, whether under God or just the state.
Logus on April 19, 2012 at 11:17 AM
Good for you for respecting your parents’ sensibilities. I wish my son felt the same, but nooo, I’m old-fashioned (he said) and clearly don’t understand. In some ways Europe has not been at all good for him.
I do not now and never have got it…if you know this is the one you want to marry and you’re living with that person anyway, why NOT get married? do.not.get
Bob's Kid on April 19, 2012 at 11:18 AM
Justice of the Peace, MC.
Vera on April 19, 2012 at 11:18 AM
MelonCollie: You and she are adults I’m guessing. Right or wrong, if your families love you they can also forgive you. If they cannot, that says more about them than you.
I agree with Bob, wait, but if you cannot or don’t want to, that’s also your decision and shouldn’t be based upon familial pressure, especially if you don’t share their beliefs.
If it’s about money, well… marraige might not make things better.
I’d opine more, but frankly it’s not mine or anyone else’s business.
Logus on April 19, 2012 at 11:26 AM
Because he likes the milk and the free trial period will soon expire. From the cow’s perspective it is a good idea to make sure she likes his milking technique and that he can properly maintain the farm before finalizing the sale.
bitsy on April 19, 2012 at 11:28 AM
Whose truth?
Good Lt on April 19, 2012 at 11:29 AM
I know my wedding cost as much as a new car. Unfortunately, lots of people expect this, including many parents.
MadisonConservative on April 19, 2012 at 11:29 AM
,
How about being judgemental because these idiots that can’t be bothered to marry clog the courts and expect them to work out their “issues” when they split. You want to co-habitat, I could care less, but if you expect the court to work out your issues because you mashed your assets- GET MARRIED!
melle1228 on April 19, 2012 at 11:29 AM
That is an oxymoron. True is objective.
tommyboy on April 19, 2012 at 11:31 AM
As an alimony payer at the age of 34 to a 30 y/o woman, I’m gonna say there are risks. Big risks. As in $2000/month to maintain cupcake in the manner to which she became accustomed to spending all your money.
hanzblinx on April 19, 2012 at 11:34 AM
Dream weddings are expensive. You take that how you will, but I quickly figured out I didn’t have the time to get ready for a dream wedding and every parent to jump on board…
MeatHeadinCA on April 19, 2012 at 11:36 AM
There is going to be some breaking from family beliefs, period. But what it boils down to is “how much do we want to go our own way” versus “how much will we alienate our in-laws/family in the process?”
Because while we’d live together quite happily now and frankly would like to say “our lives, our choice, now buzz off” (and not just on this issue)…it’ll come back to bite us down the road.
Well, prolly not when we can’t even afford engagement rings.
MelonCollie on April 19, 2012 at 11:38 AM
My opinion has always been (and I taught my daughters this, who are now in their twenties) that it does not behoove the female to move in with a guy.
You lose your independence and you end up doing more housework.
Independence is very important to me. I valued myself, my studies, my goals, and my career waaaaaay too much to get sidelined by some sort of heavy investment into something so intrinsically casual.
You also lose your independent frame of mind, and thus your objectivity about the possible need to break up.
You get all the drudgery of marriage, but none of the benefits. (Not that marriage is all drudgery, but why take on the drudgery without the benefits?)
Marriage is a psychological leap. It’s a commitment. That fact alone makes both parties more invested in it and its longevity.
I managed to turn down proposals of living together, and never regretted it, even though it meant the grief of losing a relationship with a guy I was totally, hopelessly in love with. (A good thing, it turned out. I saved myself from wasting years of my young life living with him, doing what he wanted, and going nowhere. In fact, I literally would not have enjoyed the career I did if I hadn’t jettisoned him first.)
I’ve now been married 34 years to a husband who doesn’t mind my independent spirit. With my girls – so far, so good. One has been married four years, while the other lives with a female roommate.
Interestingly, there was an article in Cosmopolitan magazine almost 40 years ago called, “What’s So Great about Living Together?” (by Judith Krantz, I believe) that agreed with me.
Now, of course, all of this is just my opinion. I also have a friend from college who has lived with the same guy ever since without being married, and apparently doesn’t need it (or children) and was happy, last I heard. So it obviously works fine for some.
But if you do want marriage (and possibly children), I say it’s better to play the odds and wait for someone who will be as loyal and devoted and committed as you intend to be. Fewer years of your life wasted that way.
Alana on April 19, 2012 at 11:39 AM
$300 will buy you a nice Mossberg and some 000 Buck.
That’ll git’er done.
CorporatePiggy on April 19, 2012 at 11:41 AM
I would argue that happens to the guy, as well.
MadisonConservative on April 19, 2012 at 11:41 AM
PPI is slowly but steadily hiring. What do you do for a living?
Burning Rain on April 19, 2012 at 11:46 AM
Clearly, the
taxpayersgovernment should buy duplicates of all assets so that BOTH women can have them. Also, cut the kids in half. Taking care of them is toohardunfulfilling of a woman’s deepest dreams and aspirations.\Fluke
sadarj on April 19, 2012 at 11:46 AM
Okay… I’m going to come out and ask… you don’t have to answer because your private life is none of mine/our business…
- What about having a small wedding and moving in with family until y’all can get your feet on the ground?
Weddings don’t have to be expensive and engagement rings are not necessary. If y’all truly love each other and want to get married, do it!
Let your families know the issues.
I realize my family isn’t your family, but I know that both sets of my family and my wife’s family would have put us up in their own homes after we had gotten married if that was needed.
Logus on April 19, 2012 at 11:48 AM
I will always have a hard time with these conversations.
The “virtue is too hard for me, so it must be that nobody else has it” argument is unimpressive. There are many (and have been many more in the past) that practice self-restraint before marriage, and fidelity inside of it.
From a religious or secular point of view, a society of such people will produce manifestly superior results to its alternatives.
Falling short of a high ideal can be shaming and painful, and carry consequences. Loving that high ideal and defending it, and striving for it nevertheless is a mark of distinction, not a badge of hypocrisy.
The word I never see in these articles is “child”. One who is mathematically literate must see that in a population of mature, sexually active humans, there will be a few percent of them whose contraception countermeasures fail.
Is their “test run” the kind of place one would desire for the formative years of a human being (and future citizen of our nation)?
Seems to me that the majority of this is post facto justification. “Getting to know” the partner. Seeing if they turn your crank just right.
What a bunch of condensed selfishness.
Prufrock on April 19, 2012 at 11:48 AM
True, about the independence, anyway! About the housework, I think it more often falls more to the female, who also more often cares more about it.
I had a neatnik boyfriend once, whose apartment was super clean, color-coordinated and everything. It was lovely! But I considered that a mark in the wrong column for marrying him, because he was neater and cleaner than I was, and I would obviously have to live up to that, every single moment!
Other than him, though, I never met any guy who cared all that much about keeping things neat and clean, or cared as much as I did.
Alana on April 19, 2012 at 11:51 AM
The funny thing is is that so many people are having children and not getting married, but having a child with someone is sooo much more of a commitment than getting married. A marriage can be annulled or you can get a divorced. Have a chid with someone and you are stuck in their life for well life..
melle1228 on April 19, 2012 at 11:55 AM
Trying to finish a Cisco Network degree ATM. Always did want to learn about mechanical stuff, but I had to pick one path or the other or my schooling would’ve taken way too long.
I’ll do a google search to see if they have any shops near where I live, stand by.
It appears you’re missing the point.
Even if we felt ready to get married next week (and we don’t), we don’t have anywhere near enough money to move out and establish an independent life. And both our families have that as an iron-clad precedent for getting hitched…which I agree with.
MelonCollie on April 19, 2012 at 11:56 AM
Why is it that fidelity within marriage is respected, but fidelity within cohabitation is derided?
MadisonConservative on April 19, 2012 at 11:58 AM
This is a real problem. I sympathize, and offer an alternate POV.
I donated plasma for years, and bough the ring with cash. It cost in the hundreds, not thousands.
My family put on the wedding reception. It cost less than $300. Mom and Dad cooked, and their friends decorated. Everyone danced.
The wedding itself, since I’m Mormon, was done gratis. This is true whether you do it in the temple or outside.
The invites and dress came to less than $800, provided by my dear mother-in-law. We could have done it for much less, but she had the means and desire.
I take it as seriously as anything I have done or will do in my life.
Prufrock on April 19, 2012 at 11:58 AM
Ah. I see.
Well, I don’t know your age, but, if it’s any consolation, I got married when I was 31 and the only woman I’ve ever known is my wife.
Worth the wait.
Logus on April 19, 2012 at 11:59 AM
Every person is different, and some women are slobs. For some women, housework is a more foreign language than Esperanto.
Not that I’m saying that about my wife.
*cough*
MadisonConservative on April 19, 2012 at 12:02 PM
Exactly.
People have had the luxury of forgetting what sex is.
Speaking for myself and my understanding of God’s will — the whole issue with sexual morality centers around creating the best possible conditions for children. Those conditions — a loving, committed and stable family.
I consider the divorce rate to be a comparable evil to the cohabitation rate. Gay marriage is a rounding error, by comparison.
Prufrock on April 19, 2012 at 12:03 PM
Poor guy. I can sympathize. I got sentenced to 20 years of alimony when I was 47 years old. Fortunately after 2.5 years and about $20,000 in legal fees, I was able to get the alimony terminated.
txsurveyor on April 19, 2012 at 12:04 PM
Yeah, I never got the whole expensive wedding thing.
I have a step-cousin that spent over $20k for his wedding. My wife and I spent all told around $1,500 which included our honeymoon – my Dad give us around a third towards the wedding.
Two of my wife’s sisters spent a large chunk of change on their first weddings… and within three years got divorced.
Whether you’re serious or not, I’ve never seen the sense in a large, expensive wedding.
Logus on April 19, 2012 at 12:04 PM
Evidently, Norwegian weddings tend to be small and intimate…and they tell me they’ll probably get married here rather than there. Whenever they do, which I hope is soon, as she’s a wonderful girl and I love her to pieces. Her whole family is amazing.
Bob's Kid on April 19, 2012 at 12:05 PM
That’s a luxury?
I guess I’m rich as hell, then.
MadisonConservative on April 19, 2012 at 12:05 PM
ROFL!
shhhh!
Oh, and Esperanto… hadn’t heard that in a while. Brings back memories of reading Philip J. Farmer’s, Riverworld series when I was a teen.
Logus on April 19, 2012 at 12:07 PM
Thread winner.
Prufrock on April 19, 2012 at 12:07 PM
Some day girls, you will meet a man who cares as much about neatness as you, has an eye for style, is impeccably groomed and wants to have deep, meaningful emotive conversations. Unfortunately he will already have a boyfriend.
Little Boomer on April 19, 2012 at 12:10 PM
You have no clue nor any possible way of knowing.
Factoid: you have twice as many female ancestors as male ancestors. Is this the result of “Satan”, biological differences between makes and females (the brutal competition among makes for mates and mating opportunities having both raised the overall genetic fitness of our species as well as explaining men’s much greater focus on having sex), or God’s will?
How do you choose?
Whichever you choose — you can’t get away from the above fact.
Mitchell Heisman on April 19, 2012 at 12:12 PM
Because you’re making the sky being cry? Or something?
Good Lt on April 19, 2012 at 12:12 PM
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