Keith Hennessey
If anyone actually tries this:
1. You are an evil parent.
2. Please report your kids’ reactions so we can all learn from them.
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Halloween is welfare for kids.
They come to your door, providing no service. They beg for food. And if you don’t provide it, they get mad at you.
To not give candy, you have to hide in your house with the lights out, pretending you aren’t home, lest they come and take your stuff. In essence, halloween is a tax, which you can only escape by paying it or pretending you are dead.
It’s an evil practice that a real parent shouldn’t let their kid do.
lorien1973 on November 4, 2009 at 11:01 AM
I thought this was going to be about allowances or pay for doing chores.
That would probably work just as well if not better.
MobileVideoEngineer on November 4, 2009 at 11:01 AM
A ton better.
lorien1973 on November 4, 2009 at 11:03 AM
This is a joke, right? RIGHT?
Darth Executor on November 4, 2009 at 11:03 AM
I was going to put on a badge saying ‘IRS Candy Tax Collector’, then take candy away from kids when they came to the door. Or take candy out from the kids who had more and give it to the kids who had less. I could have gone all out and had an IRS ghoul out in the front yard gnawing on a corpse in a coffin (essentially what I’m going through with the IRS over my late mother’s non-existent ‘estate’ at the moment.)
But I figured that dose of reality would be too horrifying, even on Halloween.
michaelo on November 4, 2009 at 11:05 AM
Make sure to take the ‘taxes’ and use it to then purchase something the kid doesn’t want. If he is a boy, perhaps a Barbie doll.
When the kid looks at you like you’re insane, you can congratulate him on becoming a conservative.
jhffmn on November 4, 2009 at 11:09 AM
No. Kids have to DO something when they come to my door. Sing, tell a joke, jump up and down, something! They don’t get sumpin’ for nutin!
JAM on November 4, 2009 at 11:09 AM
Just give them a note that says Obama redistributed your candy to some other kid.
lorien1973 on November 4, 2009 at 11:10 AM
I’d add one more step.
Take 1/3rd of the candy then give 1/2 of that to a sibling who didn’t go out to get candy. Redistribution baby.
gwelf on November 4, 2009 at 11:10 AM
That Crowder video generates a ton of thought…
unclesmrgol on November 4, 2009 at 11:10 AM
Nope. Parents need to feed their own starving candyless children. Why they come to my house, begging for candy, is simply beyond me. I don’t even know these people.
Plus! Since the parents of these halloween beggers get to escort them around, they have the privilege of not handing out candy to other peoples’ kids.
Halloween is a tax on people with no children. It’s true. Face the reality, man.
lorien1973 on November 4, 2009 at 11:13 AM
We don’t “tax” them, but we do have everybody put their candy together and then let them pick a few pieces out at a time.
Everybody gets a similar amount, and fewer sick tummies on 11/1.
(I know, on Halloween I’m a redistributionist Communist! The rest of the year, I’m a conservative though).
cs89 on November 4, 2009 at 11:14 AM
You guys are a bunch of party poopers! If you don’t want to join in on the fun go to the bar and drink dollar pints of Shlitz like me.
sammypants on November 4, 2009 at 11:15 AM
Oh, and my wife takes the kids to pick up candy, I sit home and give out candy, and I figure it usually comes out as a wash.
Kids have fun, though.
cs89 on November 4, 2009 at 11:15 AM
I guess you don’t live in West Hollywood or San Francisco!
honsy on November 4, 2009 at 11:17 AM
Much better:
1. Teach them about progressive taxation. If they get a LOT of candy, take a lot more than 30%.
2. Take about 2/3 of what you collected and keep it for yourself. Take the other 1/3 and give it to kids who didn’t go trick-or-treating. Make sure your kids see you giving their candy away. Encourage the question, “Why do you get to keep 2/3 if the point is to spread the wealth?”
I wouldn’t do any of this with my kids, but it WOULD make the point, I think.
Daggett on November 4, 2009 at 11:18 AM
lol!
Alana on November 4, 2009 at 11:23 AM
Free candy is like “free’ healthcare as well…..if you do not pay for it everyone wants more of it….
t on November 4, 2009 at 11:36 AM
Come to Madison for Halloween. I’m pretty sure you’d enjoy it.
BadgerHawk on November 4, 2009 at 11:38 AM
Hmm. When I was a child, growing up with five siblings, the rule at Halloween was that we each got to pick 10 or 15 pieces of candy for ourselves and the rest got put into a “big dish” where it was first-come, first-served. Or, probably more accurately, where my mom could her first digs.
So, what does this say about my family, I wonder.
BigD on November 4, 2009 at 11:40 AM
Depends on your definition. The service they provide is the same one actors provide, only they dress up for candy, not money.
In most places, just leaving your front porch light off is enough to signal that you aren’t playing along.
Most leave someone behind to man the doors.
As someone who was never allowed to trick or treat as a kid, I’m inclined to hate it, but I just don’t see it as that big of a deal either way.
It’s no different than Mardi Gras for adults, only you get beads instead of candy.
Esthier on November 4, 2009 at 11:52 AM
I don’t know, but it sounds like a good idea to me. Kids shouldn’t eat too much candy anyway. Taking a tax seems fair.
Esthier on November 4, 2009 at 11:53 AM
That’s a parental decision, but before you know it, O’Bambi and Pelosi will pass legislation to that effect.
honsy on November 4, 2009 at 11:57 AM
“Trick or Treat”.
AKA: “Appease me with candy, or I will terrorize you with some amusing (to me) vandalism.”
Count to 10 on November 4, 2009 at 12:09 PM
Alternately, take their candy and tell them that, in exchange, they can have all the carrots they want.
Count to 10 on November 4, 2009 at 12:11 PM
Then take the taxed candy and give it to the lazy kid down the street who didn’t bother to trick ‘r treat.
marklmail on November 4, 2009 at 12:12 PM
On the other hand, wouldn’t this just get them used to the idea of taxes?
Count to 10 on November 4, 2009 at 12:14 PM
Trick or treat
Schadenfreude on November 4, 2009 at 12:23 PM
It’d be even more accurate to not buy candy to hand out to children, tax the candy your kids get, and then hand out that candy to the neighborhood children while your kids have to watch.
Esthier on November 4, 2009 at 12:26 PM
And then those other kids give you back a small portion of the candy you just gave them, and you eat it right in front of your kids.
BadgerHawk on November 4, 2009 at 12:33 PM
.
Ahem, you have to earn the beads.
LincolntheHun on November 4, 2009 at 12:39 PM
Please. Voluntary giving is a “tax” now? Nobody forces you to give. People will think you’re an asshole if you don’t (and rightfully so), but it’s not a tax by any stretch of imagination. I kinda feel like I’m in bizarro world, and this is the libertarian/conservative alternative to the liberals who moan about all the native americans that got slaughtered while I’m eating my ****ing thanksgiving turkey.
Darth Executor on November 4, 2009 at 12:45 PM
There is, of course, an easier way that does not involve taking candy from babes, give your kid an allowance and then come payday take out the appropriate taxes (FICA State and Fed with holding) heck turn it into a math lesson and make the kid figure out how much he has to give back “to the man”.
.
If you want to be real mean make little signs that say “The money to clean this room provided by Mommy ” and have the urchin place the sign in front of his room as he cleans. You could even put signs in places the crumb cruncher needs to attend to but has not gotten to yet, as a gentle reminder and a way to ensure you spend your golden years alone in a nursing home.
LincolntheHun on November 4, 2009 at 12:55 PM
“Turning off your porch lights and not giving out candy is RACIST”
marklmail on November 4, 2009 at 12:55 PM