Green Room

The Onion: New, improved Obamacare program released on 35 floppy disks

posted at 5:26 pm on October 21, 2013 by

Sometimes The Onion just nails it:

Responding to widespread criticism regarding its health care website, the federal government today unveiled its new, improved Obamacare program, which allows Americans to purchase health insurance after installing a software bundle contained on 35 floppy disks. “I have heard the complaints about the existing website, and I can assure you that with this revised system, finding the right health care option for you and your family is as easy as loading 35 floppy disks sequentially into your disk drive and following the onscreen prompts,” President Obama told reporters this morning, explaining that the nearly three dozen 3.5-inch diskettes contain all the data needed for individuals to enroll in the Health Insurance Marketplace, while noting that the updated Obamacare software is mouse-compatible and requires a 386 Pentium processor with at least 8 MB of system RAM to function properly.

This is a biting play on both this story and the Obamacare trainwreck in general.  (Half) serious question: In light of today’s surreal parade of failure, doesn’t a tedious-but-functioning floppy disk system sound refreshingly efficient, compared to what Team O has actually wrought?  I’ll leave you with my own Onion-style headline“Area Man ‘Frustrated’ by Failures of Healthcare Law He Championed, Signed.”  At last, our presidential bystander — Barack “Popiel” Obama, as AP hilariously dubbed him earlier — is reaping the whirlwind of his insouciant approach to governance, which comes in two easy steps.  Step 1: Give speeches promoting big government solutions.  Step 2: Expect your words to magically become reality.  It’s pretty simple:

“Set it and forget it!”

Until, that is, you’re forced to “unilaterally delay it!” which isn’t as fun to chant.

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Don’t forget, you can still call in.

BKeyser on October 21, 2013 at 5:28 PM

Now thet thar’s funny, I don’t care who ya are….

dentarthurdent on October 21, 2013 at 5:32 PM

Don’t forget, you can still call in.

BKeyser on October 21, 2013 at 5:28 PM

Operators are standing by….

But wait, there’s more….

dentarthurdent on October 21, 2013 at 5:33 PM

insouciant

What?

BobMbx on October 21, 2013 at 5:36 PM

New, improved Obamacare program released on 35 floppy disks

Erh…..the box at the link says its 48 disks…..

BobMbx on October 21, 2013 at 5:39 PM

Hot Air commenters have had a running gag like this going for several days now. Funny stuff.

Ted Torgerson on October 21, 2013 at 5:41 PM

I keep mine on the shelf next to my Encarta Encyclopedia.

Murphy9 on October 21, 2013 at 5:45 PM

and disc 34 is damaged!

2nd Ammendment Mother on October 21, 2013 at 5:51 PM

I remember back in the day, loading Doom II from 5 3.5″ floppies.

Of course Doom II worked and was a very useful and enjoyable part of my life for about a decade afterward. Obamacare not so much. If the government wants to do something fascist and intrusive they should instead mandate regular Doom II deathmatch play for American citizens. It’s equally as useful in giving people health coverage and it has “death” in the title, which would be a nod to the Democrats’ morbid base.

Gingotts on October 21, 2013 at 5:53 PM

hahaha!!! lolZZ!!!

Please insert disc 23….
Please insert disc 24…..

we’re sorry…
please start over….

ted c on October 21, 2013 at 5:59 PM

SPSS was 11 x 3.5 floppies back in the day, and that’s just a statistical program. Obamacare has to be at least 350… i mean…. data n’ such../

ted c on October 21, 2013 at 6:01 PM

remember the double drive IBM PC? That was a vast upgrade to the single drive as it allowed you to make and actually finish the sandwich while it sorted through a do-loop and wrote the results on the custom formatted second disk…ah good times, back when Barry was choomin’ through Pahkeestahn.

DanMan on October 21, 2013 at 6:03 PM

WSJ has a new moniker for it:

VAPORCARE!

http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702304402104579149643667592428

dogsoldier on October 21, 2013 at 6:21 PM

remember the double drive IBM PC? That was a vast upgrade to the single drive as it allowed you to make and actually finish the sandwich while it sorted through a do-loop and wrote the results on the custom formatted second disk…ah good times, back when Barry was choomin’ through Pahkeestahn.

DanMan on October 21, 2013 at 6:03 PM

I also remember installing a hard drive into my IBM PC. It was a gigantic 20Mb disk, virtually unlimited space for files.

a: format c:/ *.*

About 4 days later……..

a: syntax error

BobMbx on October 21, 2013 at 6:25 PM

I also remember installing a hard drive into my IBM PC. It was a gigantic 20Mb disk, virtually unlimited space for files.
BobMbx on October 21, 2013 at 6:25 PM

Ahhh the good old days….
I worked on a DoD program back in the late 80s / early 90s for a small formatted message comm system – programmed in C, built to run on a 286 with a 20 Meg removable hard drive – good times!!!

dentarthurdent on October 21, 2013 at 6:32 PM

Maybe his whole presidency is just fodder for the novel failed writer Ben Rhodes’ hopes to write.

PattyJ on October 21, 2013 at 6:32 PM

Wait! You can’t have a 386 Pentium – 386s came before 486s, which were the precursors to the pentium!

Katja on October 21, 2013 at 6:46 PM

I suppose it’s an alternative to healthcare.gov and its 2400 baud dialup modems.

malclave on October 21, 2013 at 6:56 PM

Wait! You can’t have a 386 Pentium – 386s came before 486s, which were the precursors to the pentium!

Katja on October 21, 2013 at 6:46 PM

Probably meant a 386 with a separate math co-processor…for calculating the premiums!

Hazzard on October 21, 2013 at 7:15 PM

“Set it and forget it”

The difference is that the Ronco Showtime oven actually does work. We’ve had one for years. ObamaCare simply is unfixable in it’s current state.

simkeith on October 21, 2013 at 7:26 PM

Wait! You can’t have a 386 Pentium – 386s came before 486s, which were the precursors to the pentium!

Katja on October 21, 2013 at 6:46 PM

Hmmmmmmm – so maybe, just maybe this article isn’t entirely truthful……..

dentarthurdent on October 21, 2013 at 7:41 PM

I had an IBM PC with an A:/ and B:/ drive in 1987. Ran windows 1.0. Took all 3 floppies to boot up. Good times.

Ted Torgerson on October 21, 2013 at 7:52 PM

Man I hope they have this on Apple ][ compatable cassette tapes!

ZenDraken on October 21, 2013 at 8:29 PM

Ha! Silly young folk think these are 3.5″ floppies. They’re actually 5.25″ floppies!

OccamsRazor on October 21, 2013 at 11:13 PM

New, improved Obamacare program released on 35 floppy disks

Also available on 120 audio casettes for compatibility with your other government applications!!!

landlines on October 22, 2013 at 12:11 AM

New, improved Obamacare program released on 35 floppy disks

Also available on 120 audio casettes for compatibility with your other government applications!!!

landlines on October 22, 2013 at 12:11 AM

Or if necessary, 40,000 boxes of the relevant punchcards can be shipped to your home in 10-15 business days.

Gingotts on October 22, 2013 at 1:56 AM

Yes, there never was a 386 Pentium. But would that make it any harder to load then the fact that we don’t have any floppy drives any longer?

Fred 2 on October 22, 2013 at 2:14 AM

I had a 3.5″ floppy drive all the way up till 2011. It was still the most reliable way to flash a BIOS. But now you kids with your new fangled USB drives…

Last time I checked it was getting hard to find internal floppy drives without going to the back alley of the internet…

Meric1837 on October 22, 2013 at 10:24 AM

Yes, there never was a 386 Pentium. But would that make it any harder to load then the fact that we don’t have any floppy drives any longer?

Fred 2 on October 22, 2013 at 2:14 AM

The 486 was the last processor using the x86 moniker. Because of AMD and Cytrix coming in with their own compatible processors they wanted to patent the chip line, and you can’t patent numbers. Thus, the Pentium was born. The chip line was known as the P5 for fifth-generation architecture. The name Pentium comes from the Greek work pente, meaning “five”.

Your boring factoid of the day. :-)

itsspideyman on October 23, 2013 at 9:26 AM