Green Room

If you want to live long, prosper, and have lots more sex …

posted at 2:22 pm on January 27, 2013 by

get married, says Steven Crowder.  In his latest column for Fox News, the newlywed reminds readers why the institution of marriage matters to adults, children, and society as a whole:

1. You’ll be richer – Yes. Not only do married couples make more, save more, have a higher net worth and qualify for more benefits/financial incentives than lonely, single folk… but your kids will be richer too. Which brings me to my next point

2. Would somebody please think of the children!! – The single biggest indicator of child poverty is whether both original parents are still together. Not only that, but children in married households get better grades, are less disruptive in class and less likely to develop behavioral disorders than children from non-married households. So be married long and prosper. Your kids will too.

3. You’ll have more sex… A LOT MORE SEX – Okay so you may not want kids. You may despise them. I get it. Sticky hands. Let’s say you’re just another selfish, narcissistic bachelor (or bachelorette) who quite frankly, isn’t deserving of the unconditional love you may oh-so-luckily find. You just want the sex. Statistically, not only do married people have more sex, they have better, more satisfying sex. If the two of you should hold off on sex until marriage, those statistics become even more promising. Here’s a perfect example of where Hollywood gets it wrong. In the real world, while Alfie fruitlessly toiled away at picking up harlots from the bar, suffering a mean case of whiskey-wiener, Mr. Cleaver was getting busy on the regular. Them’s the real breaks.

4. You won’t be such a pathetic sloth – Married people are more productive. Married men in particular, have higher employment rates, work longer hours and receive better wages. It’s time to stop wading through puddles of your own filth as you reach for the hotpockets and have a dame whip you into shape. You’re welcome..

I’ve always thought marriage was an incredibly good deal for both men and women.  Be sure to read it all.

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Comment pages: 1 2 3

Sounds like a pretty convincing argument for legalizing gay marriage.

ButterflyDragon on January 27, 2013 at 2:26 PM

great advice for Star Trek and comic-con nerds… I suppose. But it doesn’t really cover the chief obstaclerequisite to getting married: how to get the girl to see past your cheetoh-stained fingers and crusty socks…

Jeddite on January 27, 2013 at 2:40 PM

great advice for Star Trek and comic-con nerds… I suppose.

Jeddite on January 27, 2013 at 2:40 PM

I doubt those guys need to be taught of the benefits of marriage as much as the ways to get there.

James on January 27, 2013 at 2:47 PM

Sounds like a pretty convincing argument for legalizing gay marriage.

ButterflyDragon on January 27, 2013 at 2:26 PM

If you’re desperate enough, if you’re willing to twist things enough, you’ll even “find” such arguments in the Bible.

Hey, 40 yrs ago they even “found” a right to abortion in the Constitution.

itsnotaboutme on January 27, 2013 at 2:56 PM

Crowder is good at making great points then ruining them by coming across as the ultimately pompous person.

As if every single guy is reaching through his pockets of “filth.”

Word of advice: stop constantly painting with broad brushes. You lose details that way.

blatantblue on January 27, 2013 at 3:02 PM

Crowder is good at making great points then ruining them by coming across as the ultimately pompous person.

As if every single guy is reaching through his pockets of “filth.”

Word of advice: stop constantly painting with broad brushes. You lose details that way.

blatantblue on January 27, 2013 at 3:02 PM

Crowder took a lot of crap over this article on Twitter last night. Pompous is a good description.

JPeterman on January 27, 2013 at 3:10 PM

So this will be the Menendez defense? He engaged in sex with minors for his health?

iconoclast on January 27, 2013 at 3:11 PM

…What’s behind Door #3 works for me…and so far have been blessed with Door #2…Door # 1 and #4 is not applicable yet…and I hope Door #5 is a ways away!

KOOLAID2 on January 27, 2013 at 3:22 PM

I guess I’m supposed to feel sorry for Steven Crowder and Greg Gutfeld because it’s tough for conservatives in Hollywood to catch a break, but it’d help if they could tell jokes that are funny.

sauldalinsky on January 27, 2013 at 3:26 PM

Eh. As a newlywed, I don’t think he has any business preaching to anyone about marriage (not yet, anyway). Plus, it’s not for everyone…lots of people have quite satisfying sex lives, and are very productive, without needing that piece of paper affirming their relationship.

changer1701 on January 27, 2013 at 3:27 PM

3. You’ll have more sex… A LOT MORE SEX

I take it this person has never been married before.

(rimshot)

JimLennon on January 27, 2013 at 3:29 PM

Steven Crowder is the Anthony Weiner of the right. He dances around waving his “flag” in judgment of others. He has hang-ups with his perceived masculinity and sex. Hmmmm, all this hyper-masculine preening is defo fabu.

If the two of you should hold off on sex until marriage, those statistics become even more promising.

What stats are those? The ones in your Gadsden Flag shoulder-bag?

Capitalist Hog on January 27, 2013 at 3:36 PM

Crowder is quickly becoming insufferable. WTF, dude?

thirtyandseven on January 27, 2013 at 3:58 PM

What stats are those? The ones in your Gadsden Flag shoulder-bag?

Capitalist Hog on January 27, 2013 at 3:36 PM

Crowder is quickly becoming insufferable. WTF, dude?

thirtyandseven on January 27, 2013 at 3:58 PM

Are you douchebags going to debate crowder on the merits of his arguments or just keep leveling ad hominems?

gryphon202 on January 27, 2013 at 4:17 PM

Okay, suppose he’s right, but I was born forty years too late to marry Virginia Mayo, Hedy Lamarr, Rita Hayworth or Zsa Zsa. Will this still work with Scarlett or Miss Cupp?

Seth Halpern on January 27, 2013 at 4:24 PM

Marriage pushing seems to be one of the areas that some conservatives and left wing feminists seem to agree on.

gryphon202 on January 27, 2013 at 4:17 PM

There are tons of resources on the web about the downsides of marriage. We can start with family court and go from there.

IR-MN on January 27, 2013 at 4:25 PM

Eleanor Powell had thighs to die for, btw.

Seth Halpern on January 27, 2013 at 4:26 PM

There are tons of resources on the web about the downsides of marriage. We can start with family court and go from there.

IR-MN on January 27, 2013 at 4:25 PM

Absolutely. I’m not married. Dunno if I ever will be, and I doubt it. But Crowder is asserting provable facts. Either he is correct or he isn’t. Whether he is funny, a jerk, or any other personal attacks has nothing whatsoever to do with whether he is correct in his assertions as I believe he is.

Throughout most of human history, marriage has been the institution through which the family has perpetuated and prospered. It strikes me as sad, now that saying it is somehow controversial.

gryphon202 on January 27, 2013 at 4:29 PM

3. You’ll have more sex… A LOT MORE SEX

He was a virgin when he married. He has no frame of reference.

portlandon on January 27, 2013 at 4:29 PM

Crowder is quickly becoming insufferable. WTF, dude?

thirtyandseven on January 27, 2013 at 3:58 PM

I agree. I used to love his stuff. Lately it just comes across as someone preaching to me.

ButterflyDragon on January 27, 2013 at 4:29 PM

He was a virgin when he married. He has no frame of reference.

portlandon on January 27, 2013 at 4:29 PM

Except that he is citing statistical studies. The same statistical studies that many Christian churches use in arguing to keep sex within marriage.

gryphon202 on January 27, 2013 at 4:33 PM

Marriage pushing seems to be one of the areas that some conservatives and left wing feminists seem to agree on.

IR-MN on January 27, 2013 at 4:25 PM

And yet its those left wing feminists that have ended up making marriage such an undesirable proposition in so many cases.

I’m very pro-marriage. I’m gravely disappointed in how tolerant many conservatives have become of sex outside of marriage. But simply fewer Flukes and Lena Dunhams in the female population are needed for guys to be interested in the possibility. Too many skeezes out there giving their gender a bad name. Nice ladies out there, of course, but difficult to find anymore… That’s certainly a part of the irritation with Crowder’s tone. Sure, he’s happy and blessed with his marriage, but most of us will never be as lucky.

Gingotts on January 27, 2013 at 4:42 PM

Sure, he’s happy and blessed with his marriage, but most of us will never be as lucky.

Gingotts on January 27, 2013 at 4:42 PM

That’s because it’s not luck. It takes work that never ends. Not just marriage, but any relationship. I’ve put more effort into some friendships than they turned out to be worth in the end, but that’s what those friendships meant to me. Of course, in those friendships, I wasn’t under moral or contractual obligation, but still…

gryphon202 on January 27, 2013 at 5:07 PM

Crowder took a lot of crap over this article on Twitter last night. Pompous is a good description.

JPeterman on January 27, 2013 at 3:10 PM

We need his voice & his points, but he could lose the pomposity.

22044 on January 27, 2013 at 5:14 PM

We need his voice & his points, but he could lose the pomposity.

22044 on January 27, 2013 at 5:14 PM

So in other words, he’s right? And as far as being a pundit, think you could do it any better?

gryphon202 on January 27, 2013 at 5:15 PM

That’s because it’s not luck. It takes work that never ends. Not just marriage, but any relationship. I’ve put more effort into some friendships than they turned out to be worth in the end, but that’s what those friendships meant to me. Of course, in those friendships, I wasn’t under moral or contractual obligation, but still…

gryphon202 on January 27, 2013 at 5:07 PM

Sure it’s work. Lots and lots of work. Whether that work in seeking a mate ever amounts to anything though, that’s where the luck comes in… or something… hell if I know.

Gingotts on January 27, 2013 at 5:33 PM

Hey, marriage is awesome. Until your partner starts losing her mind, behaving badly and takes your children and you for all you’ve got. Then you get to discover how ridiculously unfair divorce and family law is against men. Fun times.

John the Libertarian on January 27, 2013 at 5:34 PM

Picture coming home every night to your best friend, your greatest fan, and your number one supporter. She (or he) makes each good day better, and each bad day good again. Every day, you get to live what is essentially a 24/7 sleepover party with the greatest friend you’ve ever had.

… Now add sex and sandwiches.

Too true.

JeepGirl on January 27, 2013 at 5:37 PM

Yes, it is far too idealistic but I’ll take a pro marriage rant over tools saying abortion is awesome and is what makes America great.

CorporatePiggy on January 27, 2013 at 5:47 PM

Hey, marriage is awesome. Until your partner starts losing her mind, behaving badly and takes your children and you for all you’ve got. Then you get to discover how ridiculously unfair divorce and family law is against men. Fun times.

John the Libertarian on January 27, 2013 at 5:34 PM

Government can screw up ANYTHING. That includes marriage.

gryphon202 on January 27, 2013 at 5:54 PM

Everyone should get married. It’s not fair that some people are unhappy and others are not. Spread the unhappiness around.

keep the change on January 27, 2013 at 6:29 PM

We need his voice & his points, but he could lose the pomposity.

22044 on January 27, 2013 at 5:14 PM

He should be more like a political RINO…only with marriage and values?
Thats how we got here.

Mimzey on January 27, 2013 at 6:52 PM

This is what Hot Air has become?

Steven Crowder, a newlywed, unsurprisingly says that he believes that marriage is better than not-marriage, and cites studies showing why. The HA response? He is personally attacked as being pompous, and the closest thing to an argument against his position is a personal anecdote about the (admittedly flawed) legal system.

Wow.

AJsDaddie on January 27, 2013 at 8:34 PM

This is what Hot Air has become?

Steven Crowder, a newlywed, unsurprisingly says that he believes that marriage is better than not-marriage, and cites studies showing why. The HA response? He is personally attacked as being pompous, and the closest thing to an argument against his position is a personal anecdote about the (admittedly flawed) legal system.

Wow.

AJsDaddie on January 27, 2013 at 8:34 PM

This is what HotAir has been for years. I’m not exactly sure why I keep coming back.

gryphon202 on January 27, 2013 at 8:37 PM

This is what Hot Air has become?

ditto

MHatch on January 27, 2013 at 8:41 PM

This is what Hot Air has become?

AJsDaddie on January 27, 2013 at 8:34 PM

It’s been a nasty cesspool of self-hatred and infighting of late.

thebrokenrattle on January 27, 2013 at 8:50 PM

It’s been a nasty cesspool of self-hatred and infighting of late since before the 2010 elections.

thebrokenrattle on January 27, 2013 at 8:50 PM

FIFY.

gryphon202 on January 27, 2013 at 8:53 PM

FIFY.

gryphon202 on January 27, 2013 at 8:53 PM

Why that date?

thebrokenrattle on January 27, 2013 at 8:55 PM

This is what Hot Air has become?

Steven Crowder, a newlywed, unsurprisingly says that he believes that marriage is better than not-marriage, and cites studies showing why. The HA response? He is personally attacked as being pompous, and the closest thing to an argument against his position is a personal anecdote about the (admittedly flawed) legal system.

Wow.

AJsDaddie on January 27, 2013 at 8:34 PM

Jeez, I hope not. This is my favorite site on the web.

To people saying the piece is pompous… I guess I’m not seeing it.

StevenCrowder on January 27, 2013 at 8:58 PM

LOL now no one wants to comment…. You mean he actually reads stuff about himself?

I like ya Stephen. You come across a little preachy sometimes (when ya talk about SEX) in the delivery but I like ya and am glad your on our side =)

Socmodfiscon on January 27, 2013 at 9:09 PM

Congratulations on your new marriage Steve.

HotAirian on January 27, 2013 at 9:11 PM

Steven not Stephen … sorry about that. And wasn’t Rush just talking about how we attack our own. Hmmm

Socmodfiscon on January 27, 2013 at 9:11 PM

To people saying the piece is pompous… I guess I’m not seeing it.

StevenCrowder on January 27, 2013 at 8:58 PM

It is their own way of confessing. I wouldn’t worry about it.

tom daschle concerned on January 27, 2013 at 9:16 PM

I agree. I used to love his stuff. Lately it just comes across as someone preaching to me.

ButterflyDragon on January 27, 2013 at 4:29 PM

He could add that to the list of Getting Married:

4. Lose your edge.

John the Libertarian on January 27, 2013 at 9:33 PM

This is what Hot Air has become?

Steven Crowder, a newlywed, unsurprisingly says that he believes that marriage is better than not-marriage, and cites studies showing why. The HA response? He is personally attacked as being pompous, and the closest thing to an argument against his position is a personal anecdote about the (admittedly flawed) legal system.

Wow.

AJsDaddie on January 27, 2013 at 8:34 PM

Jeez, I hope not. This is my favorite site on the web.

To people saying the piece is pompous… I guess I’m not seeing it.

StevenCrowder on January 27, 2013 at 8:58 PM

Me neither. I’ve been single and I’ve been married. Married is better. And I ain’t no newlywed – AJ’s nearly nine, and we’re coming up on 12 years.

:)

AJsDaddie on January 27, 2013 at 9:53 PM

We’re going to lose again, aren’t we? Too many seem to be too dumb to unite on the most basic foundational concept, and seem waaay too bothered by the minutia of style.
Here’s a clue…the truth is not a style of expression.

Mimzey on January 27, 2013 at 9:53 PM

I agree. I used to love his stuff. Lately it just comes across as someone preaching to me.

ButterflyDragon on January 27, 2013 at 4:29 PM

He could add that to the list of Getting Married:

4. Lose your edge.

John the Libertarian on January 27, 2013 at 9:33 PM

There wasn’t a preach in that whole column. What do you consider “preachy”, BD? Which words? And how would you have made that an “edgy” column about liking marriage, John?

AJsDaddie on January 27, 2013 at 9:55 PM

There wasn’t a preach in that whole column. What do you consider “preachy”, BD? Which words? And how would you have made that an “edgy” column about liking marriage, John?

AJsDaddie on January 27, 2013 at 9:55 PM

BTW, the reason I ask is because if you’re upset about the column because of how it makes you “feel”, well then – you just might be a Liberal (apologies to Jeff Foxworthy). :)

AJsDaddie on January 27, 2013 at 9:58 PM

What an odd way to tell everyone that he is banging his new wife. A lot.

lorien1973 on January 27, 2013 at 10:04 PM

Are you douchebags going to debate crowder on the merits of his arguments or just keep leveling ad hominems?

gryphon202 on January 27, 2013 at 4:17 PM

…ahem…

P.S., I don’t even necessarily disagree with him on the merits. I’m just not sure the preachiness is helpful — I know it certainly doesn’t serve to make me any more sympathetic to his arguments, and I’m already inclined to mostly agree with them anyway.

thirtyandseven on January 27, 2013 at 10:09 PM

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