Columnist to gun owners: Next time, just let your friendly neighborhood burglar in
posted at 4:48 pm on January 15, 2013 by Ed Morrissey
Is this satire, or can an English major at the University of Florida really be this clueless? I’m … torn. Dallin Kelson says the lesson of the woman who barricaded herself and her children in the attic and then shot an intruder five times when he approached them isn’t that a handgun provides effective self-defense, or that higher-capacity magazines actually have a purpose. It’s that the problem started when the woman didn’t welcome the burglar in the first place:
There’s an important aspect of this story I need to draw attention to at this point because it perplexes the hell outta me: He didn’t mean to violently intrude upon this family.
The guy shows up knocking at the door, ostensibly to sell them some encyclopedias or crowbars or something.
No answer. So he rings the doorbell a bunch of times, and instead of answering the door or somehow asking him what he wants, they hide and call the cops!
Now that he’s satisfied that no one is home, he begins liberating the family’s belongings in the name of the proletariat. Like any good burglar, he’s thorough, working through every room in the house until he eventually reaches the attic.
He opens the door, and suddenly a relatively harmless cat burglary becomes a violent home invasion.
Those with a pro-gun stance paraded this story as an example of why passing gun control legislation would be worse for America than a gay marriage between President Barack Obama and Michael Moore held on the steps of the Capitol where both tuxedos are made entirely from marijuana and birth control pills.
Self-defense is a legitimate thing; there are certain human instincts that encourage self-preservation rather than lengthy reflection and discussion of motives.
Or as Lao Tzu so wisely wrote, “Shoot first, ask questions later.”
The problematic part of how this scenario played out is not what she did in the heat of that moment. I just want to know why she didn’t, you know, answer the door in the first place.
I’m guessing that this is satire, with the “in the name of the proletariat” reference and a couple of other clues. The commenters at the Independent Florida Alligator are mostly convinced he’s serious. Read the whole thing, and see if you can figure it out. If this is satire, then Kelson has a great career ahead of him in the writing business. If he’s serious … he has a great career ahead of him in academia or Democratic Party politics. But I repeat myself …