Green Room

Self-important Santa gives lectures to kids who ask for toy or real guns

posted at 8:13 pm on December 21, 2012 by

I can’t wait to see a friendly WaPo write-up on a Santa who lectures little girls who want Tonka trucks and Transformers about how they can only have toys that adhere to traditional gender roles. Political Santas who frown upon your toy choices are great!

Every year, the children ask Santa for dolls, cars, games and puppies. They also ask for guns. Nerf guns, pistols, air rifles, shotguns. Even assault weapons.

And that breaks this 82-year-old Santa’s heart, especially this year…

“You might get a gun from your father or your mother or grandfather, but you won’t get one from me,” he tells kids who request weapons, either real or make-believe, at the Fairfax County nursery. “Guns were put on this earth to take the life of a bird, an animal or a person. Guns were designed to make people cry, to make people die. Now, take a candy and a holy card.”

“But let’s just say that some parents don’t agree with his quiet speech about weapons,” the article goes on to say. You think? The columnist didn’t bother talking to any of those parents or even giving voice to their concerns through Santa’s tales of their objections. They’re left as anonymous, likely ignorant, possibly monstrous figures whom the writer and Santa quietly pity while he whispers about death to 4-year-olds who ask for Nerf shooters.

Merry Christmas!

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Can I have a knife, Santa? Or is it wrong to chop up carrots?

DarthBrooks on December 21, 2012 at 8:19 PM

My mom bought me a Marlin Model 60 semi-automatic .22 rifle for Christmas when I was 11 years old. I’ve never committed an act of violence against anyone.

Mark1971 on December 21, 2012 at 8:24 PM

Bad Santa!

a capella on December 21, 2012 at 8:26 PM

Santa brought me toy guns as a kid. Sadly, as an adult, he expects me to buy my own real ones.

rbj on December 21, 2012 at 8:28 PM

Huh, that’s weird because I learned yesterday that Santa is going to leave a semi-auto rifle under our tree. Don’t ask how I know that.

juliesa on December 21, 2012 at 8:41 PM

I have some doubts if that’s the real Santa — sounds like an impostor to me.

Santa’s left a number of guns toy and real for members of my family, and I have it on good authority he’s leaving some more this year.

Thankfully, the real Santa doesn’t seem to listen to Obama, Rahm Emmanuel, and Sheila Jackson. . . .

Narniaman on December 21, 2012 at 9:15 PM

Great, like “You’ll shoot your eye out” wasn’t buzzkill enough.

M240H on December 21, 2012 at 9:35 PM

Well, the gun views aside, I happen to love this particular Santa. This Santa has a nativity scene close by, and each time I’ve been there with the kids he takes time out to invite kids to kneel down and pray with him. He leaves no doubt in any visitor’s mind that Christmas is about the birth of the Savior. He does not care at all whether he offends any secular Santa visitors who happen to be around.

Not only that, but guns aren’t the only present he nixes (he’s not too keen on video games, for example). He quickly sizes things up and helps keep a lid on kids’ seasonal greed. He gives both parents and kids special instructions for Christmas Eve. He takes his time with everyone who comes to see him, and the line to see him is frequently two hours long or more. If there were ever a Santa who had a better focus on the true meaning of Christmas, I haven’t come across him.

Yes, I raised an eyebrow at his gun views, but he delivers his message very gently and always represents it as his own view, not as a directive that the parents or children change their ways. I just tell the kids that guns weigh a lot and Santa doesn’t want to tote them all over the place — plus, they make the reindeer nervous.

ffwolfer on December 21, 2012 at 10:13 PM

Liberal generosty knows only bounds.

logis on December 21, 2012 at 10:26 PM

Santa, may I have a Phased Plasma Rifle in the 40 watt range?

Jack Deth on December 21, 2012 at 10:46 PM

I still remember the day I had permission to first use the BB gun to help rid us of some pesky grackles. Good times . . . good times.

Imrahil on December 21, 2012 at 10:58 PM

You’ll put yer eye out, kid!

Sherman1864 on December 21, 2012 at 11:09 PM

When I was a kid we ran around the street with LAW rocket tubes and practice grenades. No one even blinked an eye. We lived on base of coarse so the candyassery was kept to a minimum.

BDavis on December 21, 2012 at 11:10 PM

You’ll shoot yer eye out!!

Ted Torgerson on December 21, 2012 at 11:55 PM

I never make New Year’s resolutions, but I think I am going to this time. I’m going to join the NRA and learn to safely use the guns I inherited last year when my uncle passed away. I think he’d like that.

Othniel on December 22, 2012 at 12:19 AM

Santa, I would like a new Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator. Mine turned out to be a dud last night.

Rip Ford on December 22, 2012 at 1:55 AM

Funny, because when I was 5 I asked my parents for a grenade. They gave me a blue-colored, hollow toy grenade. I was upset because I wanted plastique, not plastic.

Stoic Patriot on December 22, 2012 at 5:58 AM

I guess asking for an Eridian Thunder Storm or a Jakobs Raw Justice with ammo regen is out of the question, huh?

(No, I’m not on a Borderlands kick at all!)

ZK on December 22, 2012 at 8:11 AM

Santa is giving the next nutjob an excellent excuse to go on a rampage and his excuse was that he snapped because Santa wasn’t nice to him.

Kingfisher on December 22, 2012 at 8:20 AM

Come to think of it, Santa shouldn’t be lecturing children about the evils of guns while he has an elf sweatshop in the North Pole and forces reindeer to “fly” (drugs?) carrying extremely heavy payloads.

PETA’s going to get pissed.

Kingfisher on December 22, 2012 at 8:24 AM

Guns were designed to make people cry

So are onions. Should we ban those too?

Kingfisher on December 22, 2012 at 8:27 AM

Now, take a candy and a holy card.

The libs were with him right up until the last part of that very last statement.

JimLennon on December 22, 2012 at 8:31 AM

That’s about the point that I would have yanked off his fake beard and told my kid … “don’t worry son, this man is a fraud. Not the real Santa. He’s just some poor drunk sicko dressed in a costume.

Gregor on December 22, 2012 at 11:02 AM

Communist Santa

darwin on December 22, 2012 at 11:14 AM

JimLennon on December 22, 2012 at 8:31AM

Santa is giving out Holy Cards? What are they? asks a redneck Protestant . . .

BigAlSouth on December 23, 2012 at 12:44 PM