Green Room

Naked man who chewed off other man’s face could be a zombie (not really)!

posted at 2:51 pm on May 29, 2012 by

Dude, I’m nervous.

Howard Portnoy already covered this story, but I thought I could add my two cents. First, I don’t think this guy was a zombie (he probably wasn’t), but just in case this guy was Patient Zero, there are a few things I would like to say. One, keep abreast of what’s going on in your neighborhood. One day you’re reading that some lone guy is eating another man’s face, the next day, a horde of the undead is smashing down your door. Be vigilant! However, given that you visit this site and are reading this post, I think you have that taken care of.

Second, don’t underestimate a zombie outbreak! You think you’d have plenty of time to get things together and get organized. You are wrong! It doesn’t take much for civilization to collapse and a swarm of walking dead certainly meets the criteria of a civilization ending threat. In fact,  according to researchers from Carleton University and The University of Ottawa, there is support for the theory that a zombie outbreak would lead to societal collapse unless immediate and decisive action was taken to combat the zombie menace. Considering the government’s response to Katrina, what faith do you have that such decisive action would be taken and such action would be carried out properly?

Finally, just in case civilization does collapse, be ready and willing to keep going. There won’t be much to live for except your duty to carry on the species. Hot Air MIGHT still be around, I’m pretty sure AP would be lost to the zombie hordes (I’m not bullish on beta-males surviving the zombie onslaught) or to suicide (lets be honest, if one bad poll can make him nervous, how would he react to a million walking ghouls?), but Ed has a family to fight for and his living in MN might allow him to escape to cold climates where the undead can’t follow. If he can keep the site running, then their might be hope for us after all.

With tongue firmly in cheek, I do hope you enjoy the post.

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I’m going out to stock up on shotguns right now. Now we just have to see who makes it to the door first, the zombies or the Jehovah’s Witnesses >:D

Cyhort on May 29, 2012 at 3:35 PM

Nope, he’s an illegal alien from Haiti, with a rather extensive criminal arrest record. His name is Rudy Eugene.

Ceolas on May 29, 2012 at 8:17 PM

And to think I thought people who were watching “Walking Dead” were wasting their time.

Bitter Clinger on May 29, 2012 at 10:01 PM

attention eric holder: justice for zombie-americans! ( clearly the largest block of die-hard obama voters). shot dead by undoubtably “stupid” and racist cops after just going out for some ice tea, a nose and some eye balls… where the hell is al sharpton?

mittens on May 30, 2012 at 3:56 AM

I immediately thought – “It’s the first Zombie” when I read this story the other day. Especially since it took several shots to kill him. Must have finally taken one to the brain.

BRAINZZZZZZ!

HilliardPatriot on May 30, 2012 at 9:47 AM

Time to make everyone register their teeth as deadly weapons.

When teeth are outlawed, only outlaws will have teeth.

kbTexan on May 30, 2012 at 12:13 PM

Time to make everyone register their teeth as deadly weapons.

When teeth are outlawed, only outlaws will have teeth.

kbTexan on May 30, 2012 at 12:13 PM

I’m sure the DOJ already has “Operation Jaw & Jugular” at the ready.

squint on May 30, 2012 at 8:21 PM

a zombie outbreak would lead to societal collapse unless immediate and decisive action was taken to combat the zombie menace. Considering the government’s response to Katrina, what faith do you have that such decisive action would be taken and such action would be carried out properly?

Well, considering the typical response of rabidly liberal governments to ANY threat — from purely hypothetical to blatantly obvious — I have a great deal of faith that a predominantly conservative community can handle any hazard that comes our way.

…Whether the apocalyptic threat to civilization comes in the form of shuffling hordes of millions of mindlessly destructive, brainless groaning shells of human beings — or even if it’s a zombie attack instead — We’ve got it covered either way.

logis on May 30, 2012 at 9:05 PM