Campaign headlines of the future
posted at 7:47 pm on May 11, 2012 by Libby Sternberg
U.S. Senatorial candidate Jeb Bush III Stole Milk Money in Kindergarten
by Jedidiah Horowitz, Jr.
ORLANDO, Fl. — Jeb Bush III entered kindergarten in 2019 to begin his education at the prestigious Snobby Evil Rich Kids Only Private School. Arriving on the handsome campus, studded with gold-leaf-encrusted buildings and diamond-decorated shrubs, he spotted something he thought did not belong at a school where the boys wore ties and carried smart phones while firing people in their fathers’ employ. Jessica Smith, a chubby five-year-old with a knockoff Vera Wang lunchbox in one hand and her milk money in the other, skipped joyfully to the classroom, unaware of the malicious intent of the young Republican candidate-in-training….
Presidential Candidate Jeannette Boehner Tripped Toddler in Play Group
by Roberta Woodward
CLEVELAND, Oh – Jeanette Boehner entered a toddler play group in 2024 eager to interact with fellow residents of the Ultra Rich Exclusive Gated Community Enclave where servants were as plentiful as dandelions in spring and parents refused to allow their children to use plebian laptops instead of exclusive Macs. But she spotted someone who didn’t seem to belong—a dark-haired, dark-complected child who frowned as the young Jeanette came through the door. The plot was hatched, say anonymous friends who have been haunted by the incident ever since, when young Jeannette saw the other girl take two cookies instead of one from the gilt-edged tray offered by the immigrant maid….
Supreme Court Justice Nominee Samuel Alito IV Stuck Out Tongue In Vitro
by Carlita Bernstein
FALLS CHURCH, VA – Samuel Alito IV was a smirking fetus in his designer-clad mother’s pampered womb when a handicapped sonographer of mixed parentage saw the youngster stick out his tongue at her during a routine sonogram…