“Sex in New York for me had become like the 99-cent package of Ding Dongs on the corner.”

posted at 11:20 am on May 14, 2010 by Cassy Fiano
[ Culture ]   

So says one New York woman who is apparently following a new trend: celibacy. Sex in New York City has apparently become so devalued, so unimportant, that it’s being compared to fast food or cheap junk food. Some women are starting to figure out that sleeping around is not going to get them emotional fulfillment and it isn’t going to find them love. Celibacy is now becoming the new craze in New York. But, as you can see, these women aren’t necessarily learning their lesson.

Two weeks ago, Katie Jean Arnold had her celibacy wake-up call. After hooking up with a stranger on the L train platform and going back to his place, she woke up at his apartment and decided to leave. On her way out the door, he came up to her, naked, and said the words she’ll never forget: “What’s your name?”

It was then that she made her Big Decision.

No. More. Sex.

She’s led a sex-free life ever since. It’s not a long time to remain chaste, you might argue, but the 29-year-old musician did a “celibacy cleanse” back in 2003 for eight months and says it made her feel fantastic. This time, she says she’s going to wait until she gets a record deal and puts out her first album before succumbing to temptation.

“Not having sex is like giving up junk food,” says Arnold. “Sex in New York for me had become like the 99-cent package of Ding Dongs on the corner.”

Arnold is more of a trendsetter than she realizes. In this month’s Playboy, Ashley Dupre says of sex: “I’m very good at it, but I’m saving that.” In April, Lady Gaga said, “I’m celibate, celibacy’s fine,” adding that it was something she wanted to “celebrate” with fans. Courtney Love is also on the no-sex bandwagon, declaring she’s been celibate for four years — adding that without it she never could have finished her new record, “Nobody’s Daughter.”

Less — when it comes to sex — is definitely more, argues Hephzibah Anderson, the author of “Chastened,” a new tome touting the lessons she learned during a sex-free year, from August 2006 to August 2007, a quarter of which she spent in New York.

“By tuning out some of that hyper-sexualized, porn-y clamor, you find yourself tuning into a sort of a subtler romance and being attracted to a different kind of guy,” says the 34-year-old London resident who frequents Manhattan. She was inspired to give up sex right before turning 30 when she saw her college boyfriend walking out of De Beers on Fifth Avenue with a smiling blonde.

… Nowhere is it more full-on all the time than in New York, where men declare frustration over having to wait more than one date for sex and — as Arnold proved — hooking up is as simple as waiting for a train.

… She’s at the point, she says, where she doesn’t want to seek intimacy without the potential for a serious relationship. “I’ve always been against the New York version of fast-food sex. Believe me, come on, please, I’ve slept with guys I don’t love before, but I’ve frankly reached the age where I don’t want to do that anymore. I’ve dipped my toes in those waters, and it’s cold.”

Currently redirecting her passions into her writing, Allison is not the only one who’s refocused all that unused sexual tension into a creative pursuit.

“I totally sublimate all of my sexual energy into making wedding dresses because I feel like I need something constructive to channel my energy into,” says Colette Komm, a 28-year-old couture designer who lives on the Upper West Side.

“I’ve seen how people treat sex: like a crutch, like a weapon, like a temporary fix to their problems,” she says. “I’ve seen how some girls think they’re protecting their sexuality by giving it away. Like, ‘This means nothing to me if I take away all the emotional significance of sex.’”

It’s as if a light bulb suddenly went on in these girls’ heads, and they realized — the feminist brainwashing was a lie. Sexual empowerment is a myth. Slutting around like Samantha on Sex and the City does not bring you love or happiness or freedom.

Of course, for some, the light bulb is still a little dim. The first example was going through a celibacy “cleanse”. It’s like a detox diet for her, I guess — you know those diets, where you eat nothing but organic food and drink water and take some kind of special medication and it supposedly cleanses all of the toxins and impurities out? I guess that’s what celibacy is for this girl, because she’s only holding off until she gets a record deal. And then what? She’s going to give it up for the next guy she meets at a train station, or is she going to have learned her lesson?

I’m not saying women should wait to be married before they have sex. It’s the ideal, obviously, but I certainly fell short of that ideal. Sex should, however, be saved for someone special. You should be in a committed relationship before you sleep with someone, and two dates does not equal a committed relationship. I’ve been where these girls are. I can tell every single girl out there who sleeps around with abandon that there is one thing that will stick with you forever: you will regret it. There will come a day where you will meet that man, and you will wish you could take it all back. Giving yourself away to any stranger you barely know is not empowering. It’s degrading.

I blame this half on Hollywood, and half on feminism. In movies, the main characters always go out on one, maybe two dates. They have such a strong connection that they just roll into bed together, and it solidifies their bond because, of course, they are simply meant for each other. Girls do this in real life and expect the same results, and are puzzled when time and time again, the guy they had an “amazing bond” with doesn’t call back again.

It wasn’t an amazing bond, sweetie. It was post-coital endorphins.

And then, of course, there’s feminism and the Big Lie they’ve been indoctrinating into girls for decades: that you can sleep around like a man and you’ll be just as happy, or more happy, actually, because sex can be empowering. Of course, this has led to nothing more than guys who no longer see a reason to put the effort into winning a woman, and girls who feel used and depressed because every guy they meet tosses them away after a few dates. It’s sad, really, because in this generation, who is telling girls the fundamental truth: that by waiting, you have an extraordinary amount of power? Feminists act as if having sex like men is some kind of strength for women, that the old-fashioned, traditional version of dating was nothing but the misogynistic patriarchal version of relationships. Single guys, especially single guys in their twenties, will have sex with whoever’s willing to give it up. It’s like walking into a frat house with a keg and yelling, “FREE BEER!” and expecting them to politely say no thank you. The traditional version of dating gave women all the power. The feminist version, meanwhile, has tipped the scales and now women sit desperately by their phones, wondering why he hasn’t called and what they’ve done wrong. It used to be that men had to earn sex with a woman. They had to be romantic, they had to set up dates, they had to call, they had to woo her. Women think about this chivalrous style of dating and they pine for it — and then go right along their merry way, sleeping around like their feminist sisters taught them to. Why? Feminists want women to be just like men, and men sleep around, ergo, women should sleep around. It never occurred to them that just because men slept around, it didn’t mean women should do it. It’s not a positive thing for either sex, and we’re seeing the results now.

Women are feeling more and more used. You’ve got these New York women comparing sex to fast food, for cripe’s sake. To men, it’s gotta be like going to Taco Bell: you pull in, get yourself a nice taco, and then pull outta there. What was the name of the girl who sold you the taco again? Who knows? Who cares?

Meanwhile, these New York women can’t figure out why their exes are buying diamonds for new girls while they’re still sleeping around. News flash: men don’t usually marry girls who sleep around. They marry the nice girls who they had to work for.

I feel pretty cynical about this whole celibacy craze, but hey, hopefully it does catch on. My thought is this: at some point, girls are going to have to wake up to the destructive path they’re on. They’re going to need to change what their tactics, so to speak, and stop devaluing themselves so much. Maybe this is that first spark that will start the celibacy fire. Holding out for sex does not make you a prude and it doesn’t make you a slave to the patriarchy, either.

It makes you smart enough to know that you are an amazing woman with something special to offer an amazing man who deserves you… and is willing to work to earn you.

Cross-posted from Cassy’s blog. Stop by for more original commentary, or follow her on Twitter!

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