How movies destroy marriage and love

posted at 7:49 pm on February 3, 2010 by Cassy Fiano
[ Culture ]    printer-friendly

I’ll admit it: I’m a complete sucker for romantic comedies and shallow chick flicks. I don’t buy the plots or the cheesy romance, but if I’m in the mood for some escapist, feel-good entertainment, I’m all about a chick flick.

That being said, I completely agreed with the premise of this article, which claims that romantic comedies are ruining relationships for women.

I know too many women who watch way too many romantic comedies. If that wasn’t bad enough, they drag their boyfriend’s into their addiction and then point out the things that the goofy boyfriend on the screen is doing right.

Unfortunately, women seem to be missing the big picture. No one ever farts in the romantic comedies. No. In fact, no one ever goes to the bathroom. Or eats for that matter.

But that’s not why romantic comedies are completely unrealistic; this is why.

The article then, in my opinion, veers off course. According to the author, couples in romantic comedies sleep in each other’s arms and kiss in the morning right when they wake up, and this is something that “real couples” never do. The author also mentions how no one farts in movies and “no one has to clean up the mess”. Well, real couples certainly don’t kiss right when they wake up every morning, but sometimes they do. They don’t cuddle every night, but some nights they do. Relationships are never absolutes. As for farting and cleaning up messes… well, who wants to watch that in a movie? You’re right in the middle of a steamy sex scene, and then George Clooney rips one. Wow, how romantic. Megan Fox dusting and vacuuming… that’s what every guy wants to see. That stuff happens in real life sometimes. Real people get zits and gain weight, too, but you never see celebrities with pimples or love handles, do you? It’s unrealistic to expect movies to be completely realistic. You just have to accept that, to an extent, a movie is going to be glossed over to be prettier, sexier, more romantic.

There was one point, though, that was dead on: the idea in romance movies that people will do anything, absolutely anything, for love. And this is where romantic movies start ruining things for women, and for men. Women are fed this pretty picture of how men are supposed to act. In movies, if a man realizes that he’s in love with his female best friend or an ex, for example, he’ll make some grand gesture to prove his love to her. Maybe he’s already got his dream girl and wants to propose. Whatever the case, he wins her heart with style. Roses, candles, jewelry, great food, mood music… he pulls out all the stops. Real men? Not so much. Men can be plenty romantic, but it’s just not practical for a man to fly across the country to tell his ex-girlfriend that he still loves her. Likewise, if a woman realizes that her ex is the man of her dreams, she’ll similarly make some grand gesture. Regardless of who the initiating party is, the receiver of the romance is always blown away. Everything is automatically forgiven, simply because he or she made a grand gesture to prove their love.

And this brings me to my next point. In movies, couples have a pretty simple equation to get to happily ever after. They meet. They fall in love. An obstacle is placed in their path. They temporarily break up. One of them realizes how idiotic they are and makes the grand gesture. The couple falls back in love. They live happily ever after. The end. Movies present such a simplified version of what real love and relationships are. Once you get over one obstacle, or make up after one big fight, things aren’t going to be hunky-dory forever. The problem is, more and more people are falling into the trap of believing this. Movies constantly give you this idea that, if you aren’t happy, it’s not meant to be. If you fight, the relationship is doomed. And real people are starting to buy into it. Many, many people get married expecting this blissful honeymoon phase that our popular culture presents as real, passionate love to last forever. It won’t. It never does. These people then feel disappointed and let down. The woman goes and sees some romantic comedy where the boyfriend or husband is kind, sensitive, intelligent, and charming. He does all of these insane things to keep the woman happy… heck, he’s basically a doormat to her alpha female. They then go home feeling even more angry and let down. Why doesn’t my husband treat me that way?, they wonder. Real love, and real relationships, they take work. Hard work. The honeymoon phase is all that’s presented to you in a movie, and we’re led to believe that it’s what real love is. If you aren’t happy, it’s not working. If you don’t feel passion, it’s not going to last. You deserve passion and romance every day for the rest of your life. Women are never told that this is, quite frankly, never going to happen. Passion at the beginning of the relationship is a wonderful thing. It fades, though. The honeymoon phase dies out and reality sets in. This shouldn’t be a negative, of course. Real, true, deep love is much more meaningful and wonderful than the superficial crap marketed to women in movie theatres. But women unfortunately expect the honeymoon phase to last forever. They want to be wooed forever. That’s what the men in the movies do. They’re always romantic. They’re always caring. And women do next to nothing for their men. They just get to be their wonderful selves, and men fall all over themselves to keep their girl happy.

Now, in all of this, men really get screwed. Women are coming to expect that men must be perfect. How many times do we read news stories about whiny single women complaining about how hard it is to find a man who measures up to their standards? It’s a constant complaint. Women expect men to be perfect, and so whenever they get into a relationship with an actual man, he inevitably lets them down through no fault of his own. He may be funny and intelligent and good-looking. But his job isn’t as good as hers, or maybe he isn’t romantic enough, or perhaps he expects to be the alpha in the relationship. Horror of horrors: maybe he does do a lot of nice things for his woman, but — gulp — he expects her to do nice things for him, too. Women aren’t the only ones who have needs in relationships, yet they seem to believe that these days. Men exist solely to fill the voids they feel in their lives. And why shouldn’t women believe that? They’ve been conditioned to think that the right man will do anything for her, if he really loves her. It’s never asked, ever, if women would be willing to do anything for the right man. Not in movies, not in books, not in women’s magazines.

All of this adds up to disaster in the real world. There was a study done in the UK on this very subject a few years ago. Surprise, surprise: rom-com fans don’t communicate well, have unrealistic expectations, and have a warped sense of a “perfect” relationship.

It’s not to say that all of this isn’t entertaining, or that there aren’t any good ideas for someone to pick up on for their relationship. But women have incorporated the relationships from romantic movies into their actual lives, and it isn’t working out. Persevering through the bad times? It’s easier to just get a divorce. Go through a few months where you fight all the time? Must not be meant to be. Couples need to learn how to communicate, that hard times are normal, and that true love emerges when you persevere through those tough times. Real relationships require time and energy, something that Hollywood does not often promote. And sure, chick flicks are just escapist fantasies, but what alternatives are there? What Hollywood movie presents a realistic movie about love and marriage? The only one I can think of is Fireproof, and that could hardly be called a Hollywood movie.

Most people are smart enough to realize that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, complete with happily ever after. A good number of people, particularly women, still expect to get their fairy tale. And until those people stop living in fantasy and start living in reality, they’re going to continue setting themselves up for disappointment and failure.

Cross-posted from Cassy’s blog. Stop by for more original commentary, or follow her on Twitter!

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