HIG — What Would Obama Himself Be Like as an Interrogator of Enemy Combatants?

posted at 3:26 pm on August 28, 2009 by Howard Portnoy
[ National Defense ]   

If you can’t get enough of Barack Obama, then you can’t get enough of government. As he continues to pile debt on debt, sending the deficit to record highs, he continues to dabble in his favorite pastime — growing the federal government.

His latest contribution to an already bloated Washington bureaucracy is HIG, short for High Value Detainee Interrogation (HIG) Group, an elite team of interrogators to question key terrorism suspects. Since the CIA obvious did a less-than-effective job of keeping us safe since 9/11 (isn’t that why Attorney General Eric Holder is investigating them?), Obama decided to mix and match intelligence operatives in forming HIG. The group will be housed at the FBI, for example, but overseen by the National Security Council. Best of all, the White House will have direct oversight over the group.

If that means that Obama himself will be doing some of the interrogation, then color me enthusiastic. I can just imagine an interrogation session, which would go something like this:

[A knock at the door of the penthouse of a luxury hotel in downtown Washington. Servant answers door, to find the President of the United States and aides standing there.]

Obama: May we come in?

Servant: I will ask ______ if he is receiving guests.

[Detainee enters from bedroom, wearing plush hotel robe and slippers, accompanied by Marine in dress blues and turbaned translator.]

Translator [After brief exchange with Detainee]: ______ says you may enter.

Obama [Steps forward, grinning broadly, arms dangling awkwardly at his sides]: I am Barack Hussein Obama, leader of this land. Let me start by apologizing for our past aggression and acts of imperialism. . . [Arms continue to, hands begin to flail.] I’m sorry — I’m unfamiliar with the customs of your fine culture. Are we to shake hands? Or is touching not permitted? Do I bow? Curtsy? [After a exchange with the translator, the Detainee cursorily points at chair, and Obama sits, leaning on edge of chair.] Thank you, thank you so much. I trust the accommodations are to your liking? I had tried to line up a five-star hotel, but they were all booked. Anyway, let me be perfectly clear about the reason for my visit. You are here, in our custody, because, according to some reports, the veracity of which have yet to be ascertained, you were allegedly picked up on a battlefield, where you were manning . . . er —  I mean “personing” — a machine gun supposedly pointed at American troops. Can you tell me about that . . . I mean, if it’s true, you could perhaps telling how you were feeling — what made you act as you did, so I can better empathize with your situation? Were you angry about something, perhaps the rampant poverty in your country? Is it the way we selfish Americans have despoiled the planet earth?

[Detainee stares at Obama for a moment, then whispers to translator.]

Translator [Uncomfortably, to one of the aides]: He wishes to know the identity of this clown with the big ears.

Obama [Grinning broadly]: I apologize . . . sahib? Is that the correct honorific? . . . I thought we had been formally introduced. Again, I am Barack Hussein Obama [rolling the r's and exaggerating syllables to sound persuasively Middle Eastern].

[Detainee speaks to translator.]

Translator: He wishes you all to leave that he may watch his favorite television program, “The Brady Bunch.”

Obama [Coloring]: Please, I beg a moment of your time. I will be brief, I promise. Then we will leave you in peace. Salaam aleyhem! [Detainee looks puzzled and annoyed.] I need to know if you are an enemy combatant or whether your presence on the battlefield was a coincidence. Perhaps you are an innocent shepherd had wandered there. Let me be perfectly clear. If you tell me you are innocent, I will believe you. I am a good judge of char —

[Detainee shouts, pointing at Obama, uttering long stream of invective. Translator looks perplexed.]

Translator: I —  I’m afraid I cannot repeat what he said. It would be impolite.

Obama: No problem. I am empathic. I understand his consternation. He was brought here against his will. I know firsthand what he is feeling. Our own country has a long dark history of enslavement. My father was from Kenya and made this way to — [He is cut off by aide, who whispers something in Obama's ear. Obama nods, then, continues --- to Translator.] Please tell his excellency that we’ll try again when he’s in a more hospitable frame of mind. Meantime, tell him to please enjoy the amenities. And let me know if there is anything more you need during your stay.

[As Obama and his entourage are turning to leave, the Detainee calls out to Obama. He hands Obama a shirt with a band collar.]

Obama [Grinning]: For me? A gift? You are too kind. I’m afraid I have nothing to give you in return. Michelle and I are fresh out of CD collections.

Translator: Your presidensity. I’m afraid you misunderstand. He thinks you are an employee of the hotel. He asked that you have his garment cleaned and returned to him by tomorrow noon.

[There is a moment of palpable discomfort. White House aides whisper loudly to President, gesticulating. After a few seconds, Obama brushes them aside abruptly, then address Translator.]

Obama: Could you please ask him whether he prefers starch.

[THE END]

Cross-posted at Zombie Contentions

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