A Live Report From The Ted Kennedy Funeral Procession

posted at 1:00 pm on August 28, 2009 by Doctor Zero
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From the Associated Press on August 27, 2009, 7:00 PM EST

BOSTON – Teeming crowds lined the streets of Boston to pay their last respects to the late Senator Ted Kennedy today, as his funeral procession made its way past hundreds of buildings named in honor of the Senator and his family, paid for by the grateful citizens of all 50 states. The warm summer air pulsated to the vibrations of a marching band, which delivered one solemn drum beat for each of the billions of dollars in taxpayer money Senator Kennedy spent during his long career. After ninety-six hours of continuous drumming, the band collapsed from exhaustion and was rushed to a nearby hospital, where they are expected to make a full recovery.

The otherwise flawless execution of the funeral procession was disrupted only by a brief moment of confusion when the pall bearers assembled to carry the Senator’s casket into the John F. Kennedy Library and Museum, where his body will lie in repose. According to event organizers, Kennedy’s will had originally asked for his longest-serving colleagues from the Senate to serve as pall bearers, but upon learning that several of these senators are Republicans, the will was hastily re-written to allow the governor of Massachusetts to select the pall bearers instead. A legal challenge was immediately referred to the Supreme Court. Fortunately for the restless crowds of mourners, the legal impasse was broken when an exasperated Michelle Obama grabbed the casket and carried it into the library by herself.

As the life of a heartbroken nation grinds to a halt, people from all walks of life are stepping forward to offer words of praise for the beloved Senator Kennedy. “He touched a lot of lives, sometimes in defiance of restraining orders,” said Brenda M., a cocktail waitress. “He was a true friend to the small businessman,” said Pete R., owner of a small liquor store.

International observers also had high praise for the late Senator. “He was always eager to reach out, and make himself useful to the international community,” recalls Yuri G., a former KGB agent who worked closely with Kennedy in the Eighties. “My old job disappeared during a major economic downturn, but Senator Kennedy made me feel better, by showing me that my old operation was thriving under new management,” said Achmed T., a former employee of the Iraqi Republican Guard, unemployed since 2003. Fellow immigrant Nguyen D., who relocated from Cambodia over 30 years ago, adds that Kennedy “helped bring great change to my country.”

The crowds gathered to pay respects to this titan of the Senate – hailed as one of the greatest Americans who ever lived, by many highly qualified media professionals – had nothing but scorn and contempt for the obsession of right-wing extremists with Mary Jo Kopechne, who tragically died of advanced political expediency before most American voters were born. “I think I speak for most women when I say that I would be happy to drown in seven feet of water, if it would further the magnificent career of a lion like Ted Kennedy,” said a defiant Melissa L., aspiring sycophant. An angry Michael M., who claimed to be a radio host and professor of history, added “The right wing in this country killed John and Robert Kennedy, invaded South Vietnam and Afghanistan, murdered dissidents trying to flee from East Berlin, and starved millions of people through a combination of manufactured famines and collective agriculture. Now they want to assassinate the character of Ted Kennedy!”

The most heartfelt reaction came from John E., a trial lawyer. “I feel the spirit of Mary Jo is speaking to you, through me, right now. I have to tell you right now – I didn’t plan to tell you this – she’s saying that she’s proud of what Ted Kennedy has accomplished, and she wants you to pass President Obama’s health care bill in his name.”

Massive telepompters are being installed in the Kennedy library at this hour, in preparation for the arrival of President Obama, whose aides have been working on his extemporaneous remarks in praise of Kennedy since the senator was diagnosed with brain cancer last year. Later, sources tell us the President will join selected Democrat colleagues of the late senator to toast his honor, using special bottles of hundred-year old Scotch flown in from Scotland at taxpayer expense, along with the entire clan that distilled them. Tomorrow, an emotional Chris Matthews of MSNBC is scheduled to preside over the transformation of Barack Obama into the fourth Kennedy brother, in a complex ritual passed down through generations of journalists. Details are scarce, but insiders say it involves Chris Dodd, a Cuban cigar, and a waitress…

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