Introducing the ObamaCare-o-Matic 9000 Pro Deluxe®

posted at 11:15 am on August 22, 2009 by Howard Portnoy
[ End of Life Issues ]   

An article in today’s LA Times claims that Barack Obama’s health-care messages are backfiring because he is advancing too many rationales for his plan:

For example, Obama has argued that a new healthcare system is necessary to spur an economic recovery. He also has offered up healthcare as an antidote to rising deficits. Earlier this week in a conference call with religious leaders, Obama laid out a “moral” imperative for revamping the nation’s healthcare system. . . .

At other points, Obama has portrayed “meddling” insurers as a reason for scrapping the existing system.

There is doubtless some truth to the claim that Obama is trying to be too many things to too many people. That, I maintain, is not his problem. Rather, it is his marketing strategy.

As salesman-in-chief, Obama should be following the lead of Ron Popeil and other fellow hawkers of products and services that consumers don’t need and probably won’t work as advertised. In short, Obama needs to make an infomercial.

But before he hits the airwaves, the president needs to rebrand his product — give it a catchy name people are likely to remember. ObamaCare is a good start, but it is little too clinical-sounding. More important, it doesn’t have the authentic ring of something with a zillion attachments that people really don’t need or want. My recommendation is the ObamaCare-o-Matic 9000 Pro Deluxe®.

I am even willing to give the president a head start with the scripting. The commercial could go something like this:

Hey, do you ever have one of those days when your back hurts but you can’t go do the doctor because you don’t health insurance? How about when you have to write out expensive premium check after expensive premium check? That can really be a drag! [Video: Person sitting at desk, filling in check, pained expression on face; lifts and waves wrist that is obviously sore from writing.] How about figuring out what to do with an aging parent who’s a drain on your pocketbook and simply refuses to die?

Well, you don’t have to put up with those problems any longer. [Video: Sweeps clutter of insurance policies, checkbooks, medical bills off counter top.] Hi, I’m Barack Obama, President of the United States. And I’m here to tell you about a revolutionary, space-age health care plan that is guaranteed to give you piece of mind and eliminate all those pesky health-care worries. Best of all it will SAVE YOU MONEY! [Video: Points at viewer.] Introducing the ObamaCare-o-Matic 9000 Pro Deluxe®!

I know, it sounds too good to be true. But the ObamaCare-o-Matic 9000 Pro Deluxe® will do all the following and more:

• Reduce the deficit. [Video: Two congressmen looking at piece of paper, smiling, and shaking hands.]
• Insure everyone. Go ahead and use what little cash you’ve got to buy an IPhone. The gov’s got you covered!
• Provide the moral support you need when terminating a parent’s life support. That’s right, you can just pull the plug and . . . [Sound: Studio audience chiming in] FORGET IT! Mom or Pop is off to her or his final reward. And you get to inherit all their cash!

Now I know you’re used to paying whopping premiums each month. You’re probably saying right now, “Barack, I can’t afford the ObamaCare-o-Matic 9000 Pro Deluxe®.” That’s where you’re wrong! [Video: Points again at viewer.]

While most insurers would charge you $5 trillion or $3 trillion for service this great, the United States Government is slashing prices. We are offering you, the American people, FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, the ObamaCare-o-Matic 9000 Pro Deluxe® for three easy payments of $500 billion each. You heard me! That’s less than you’d expect to pay to save the planet from climate change.

So don’t delay. Call your congressman now. Lines are open. Tell him or her to vote for ObamaCare-o-Matic 9000 Pro Deluxe® today! You can’t live without it!

And if you act within the next ten minutes, we’ll throw in not one, but two, living wills at NO EXTRA COST.

Cross-posted at Zombie Contentions

Blowback