An Excerpt From Meghan McCain’s Totally Awesome Six-Figure Book, Coming Soon!
posted at 4:07 pm on August 12, 2009 by Doctor Zero
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From Chapter 16, “Staying Extremely Cool In The Face Of Extremism”:
… having a hard time understanding why people were so slow to follow my warnings, and steer clear of extremely extremist ppl like that extreme Michelle Malkin. I mean, like, we’re right in the middle of this historic debate about giving people health care so they won’t die any more, and she’s pushing some stupid book that says our historic black president is actually some kind of crook. Talk about ankle-biting! I mean, President Obama is not only historic and totally cool, but he probably has even more Twitter followers than me, and here’s this nasty little book by a woman that has less than half as many Twitter followers as I do, trying to cut him down! How stupid is that? Hello, Michelle? This President is a giant walking through history, and you’re like a little blob of pink bubble gum on the pavement, and I would totally be honored to be the curb he uses to scrape you off his shoe after he steps on you.
Uncool people like Michelle Malkin just want to block health care so everyone will get sick and die, I guess. That’s the kind of cruelty I’m doing battle with, in my righteous quest to reform the party of hateful, retarded, gay-bashing rednecks that I love so much. I sincerely believe there is a place in my party for evil far-right homophobes like Michelle… but it’s way behind the hot, fresh young vanguard of the new conservative generation. One of the basic principles of conservatism is that young people know more than old people, and make better leaders. You know who all the top news anchors say is the leader of those cutting-edge young Republicans? I’ll give you a hint: her initials are “MM”, but it isn’t Michelle Malkin.
Maybe the old fossil conservatives could do our laundry and make sure we have a steady supply of Funions and frappucinos, while we fight the battle for a brighter Republican future. Only hip young tattooed New Republicans have a chance of winning major conservative victories, like chopping a few thousand dollars off the national debt, and forcing fundamentalist extremists to attend gay weddings if they want to keep the tax deductions for their hateful little churches.
My party will need leadership in the years to come. We need someone who can win the approval of the same media that worships me, then go on to run a principled, respectable campaign to lose gracefully to President Obama in 2012. We need to show America that we Republicans are totally inclusive and moderate, like the Democrats. That way, everyone will love us, and we’ll enjoy friendly and respectful media coverage in 2016. If we run some kind of fundamentalist extremist gay-bashing animal-hating extremist from some weird state nobody ever heard of, like Alaska, we’re just going to nuke the fridge for a whole generation of young Republicans.
I mean, if we want to win like the Democrats, we have to be like the Democrats, right? It’s just common sense, like everything that guy Kewie Dee says. Democrats are soooo cool and inclusive, they make me want to giggle like a giddy schoolgirl. Like, one time I’m walking from the limo to a trendy restaurant in D.C., and I bump into Sheila Jackson Lee, and she’s all like “Meghan, I’m buying,” and I’m like OMG, this place is really expensive, but she says no problem, she can write it off as a travel expense – she had to cross the street to get there, and that’s travel, right? So she has her bodyguards clear all the riff-raff out of our way, and this one guy – he looked like one of those nasty old extremists that shows up at town-hall meetings – he starts shouting questions about health care legislation at Sheila, quoting entire paragraphs from the freaking bill. Sheila was just totally cool about it. She had the guy tasered without breaking a sweat. I mean, how awesome is that? No one who needs Regnery Publishing to handle their dead-tree stuff can approach that kind of refined, elegant style..
You know who would be a completely fantastic leader for a hip, young, reinvented Republican party? My dad, that’s who. He sure knows better than to get snarky with people who have more Twitter followers than he does. He is also the undisputed black-belt grand master at losing gracefully to President Obama, which, as I mentioned, will be a key component of Republican strategy in 2012. Here’s a little juicy inside dish for you: my dad wanted to cancel his campaign and concede the race in, like, September of 2008… but that witch from Wasilla wouldn’t let him. It would have been a totally brilliant move, because it would have built up so much love and respect from reporters, and it would have showed moderates just how inclusive our new Republican Party can be. But You-Know-Who was too extreme and homophobic to listen to reason.
My party should learn from my dad’s example, and quit trying to sell hate and fear. We should be more like the Democrats, who just want to stop greedy doctors from stealing children’s tonsils, give people free money for cars, and pass environmental legislation before greedy businessmen destroy the Earth. We should stop trying to scare everyone by talking about runaway spending, Constitutional principles, political corruption, and similar extreme topics. In my next chapter, I’ll explain how support for gay marriage will lead my party back into control of the White House and Congress, after President Obama is finished using them…
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Awesome as usual Doc but Im sorry to say I must report you.
Fishy@allahpundit.org
TendStl on August 12, 2009 at 4:23 PM
But, like, isn’t she one of, like, God’s children too?
sloopy on August 12, 2009 at 4:25 PM
teh funny.
juanito on August 12, 2009 at 4:25 PM
+1
Cody Baker on August 12, 2009 at 4:28 PM
Oh my. That’s just awesomely awesome.
di butler on August 12, 2009 at 4:31 PM
I just reported you all to BANYOURASSH8RS@mccain.com.
Jim Treacher on August 12, 2009 at 4:32 PM
“That’s the kind of cruelty I’m doing battle with, in my righteous quest to reform the party of hateful, retarded, gay-bashing rednecks that I love so much.”
Still laughing about this perfect sentence.
di butler on August 12, 2009 at 4:33 PM
WOW that was dead on haha
d-mitch on August 12, 2009 at 4:35 PM
This will be on the main page.
There is no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary.
W.C. Field’s Fields
Americannodash on August 12, 2009 at 4:45 PM
Priceless. I think I’ve found my new rap name.
Why is it that I can’t read anything Meggy Mac writes without hearing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” in the back of my head? It’s like one long, horrible 80’s movie montage.
TheUnrepentantGeek on August 12, 2009 at 4:48 PM
ditto di butler.
latinchic on August 12, 2009 at 4:56 PM
Awesomely awesome.
Scott H on August 12, 2009 at 5:04 PM
You know, I originally set out to write a substantive response to Meghan’s latest column, but I just couldn’t get past that infamous “Twitter goddess” paragraph without cracking up, so I did this instead.
Doctor Zero on August 12, 2009 at 5:05 PM
Brilliant!
Bobbi on August 12, 2009 at 5:24 PM
I just read that to my husband in my Meghan voice.
SarahW on August 12, 2009 at 5:33 PM
At first he thought it was really something she wrote.
SarahW on August 12, 2009 at 5:34 PM
This is Iowahawkian in cleverness. Well done, sir. Well done.
TheQuestion on August 12, 2009 at 5:41 PM
Can you do it anyway Doc? Would give me a reason to run to the store, grab a bottle of wine, sit down and enjoy the ride. An intellectual take-down of this candy-striper with an iphone, and a kick me tattoo would be priceless.
TendStl on August 12, 2009 at 5:51 PM
Doc:
I thought this was going to be satire …..
next time you quote Megan “omg” McTwit, you have to provide a link to the source.
BD57 on August 12, 2009 at 5:52 PM
The Fish Police will be knocking at your door soon.
Wethal on August 12, 2009 at 5:59 PM
The bill for my keyboard will arrive shortly.
Shay on August 12, 2009 at 6:04 PM
Kudos to you. This needs to be promoted to the main room.
Percy_Peabody on August 12, 2009 at 6:32 PM
What’s going on? You made her sound almost semi-literate.
Sharke on August 12, 2009 at 7:09 PM
Dr Zero nails it again!
Political Junkie on August 12, 2009 at 7:13 PM
She is totally going to fire back with a withering riposte just as soon as she gets a tattoo of Oscar Wilde.
Jim Treacher on August 12, 2009 at 7:14 PM
I only read a few lines and threw up a little in my mouth…
Fuzzlenutter on August 12, 2009 at 7:15 PM
I think everyone on Hot Air needs to start following Michelle on Twitter so we can let Meghan know that she’s like, totally, not that cool…
clayranck on August 12, 2009 at 7:16 PM
Too funny, Dr. Z. and spot on.
Life is truly terrifying when we have the likes of Meggy Mac attempting to discuss political strategy. Pelosi must be her role model.
As I noted earlier M. Mac was more suited to her discussions about makeup on her campaign blog. Mascara and cover-up techniques for spots suit her far better. Perhaps she could be a spokesperson for Maybelline or Cover Girl.
Cody1991 on August 12, 2009 at 7:17 PM
Wait…What??? It isn’t?? She should totally rip it off.
And another thing, I read one of her meanderings on the Daily Teen Beast the other day, they had a blurb at the bottom…’…Best selling author of children’s books’ or something like that. First thing that came to mind…Well that certainly makes sense.
BigWyo on August 12, 2009 at 7:18 PM
Like Doctor Zero soooo gets Meghan!
cubachi on August 12, 2009 at 7:20 PM
Shouldn’t that be fishsticks@allahpundit.org?
coyoterex on August 12, 2009 at 7:21 PM
Substantive and Meghan McCain used in the same sentence is something you won’t see everyday.
Cindy Munford on August 12, 2009 at 7:23 PM
Personally, I think you’re giving her writing skills far too much credit here but that was funny as hell.
Monica on August 12, 2009 at 7:25 PM
Is MM on Facebook? I think I’ll go over there and check then tell everyone in my Mafia-Wars mafia that they better join her facebook or they get bumped off and tossed out of my mafia! Bet that ticks off little Meggie!
/sarc
Vntnrse on August 12, 2009 at 7:27 PM
As opposed to a size six figure.
Patrick S on August 12, 2009 at 7:29 PM
Blockbuster! Her book is gonna be bought by every… 299,999,997th American! Plus her Mon and Dad!
Seriously, this is sad.
drunyan8315 on August 12, 2009 at 7:29 PM
The thing about MegsMac is, she makes some really valid points…but they’re always mixed up with some really idiotic ones.
JetBoy on August 12, 2009 at 7:31 PM
You’re Meghan McCain, and you’re jealous. You were all ready to be crowned princess, and you hired a makeup consultant and a new hair sissy, and somehow the old man screwed the pooch.
You’re Meghan McCain, and you’re jealous. You’ve always been so rich that tout le monde assures you that having blond hair and a pretty face makes the midnight refrigerator raids meaningless, and that being a fag hag is rilly hot. And this little Asian person or whatever with two kids for God’s sake is getting all this attention.
You’re Meghan McCain, and you’re jealous. You were supposed to be the altogether It Girl, and now this snippy little brown chick with the big brain and cute figure thinks that just because she’s gorgeous and can write like a bitch she’s more important than you are.
You’re Meghan McCain, and you’re jealous.
With apologies to Stuart Schwartz
warbaby on August 12, 2009 at 7:31 PM
That is so like…totally awesome and sooo kewl at the same time. U R like soooooo smart. I wish every republican was like U – if they were…we could soooo like save the planet and stuff
Bmorgan9119 on August 12, 2009 at 7:32 PM
93X…???? Ventura???
BigWyo on August 12, 2009 at 7:33 PM
Is this real? If it is she is an unbelievably childish ego maniacal idiot
titus_pullo on August 12, 2009 at 7:34 PM
Zero , so whats your twitter at?
the_nile on August 12, 2009 at 7:36 PM
Dude! Like, where is my moderation?
TwinkietheKid on August 12, 2009 at 7:36 PM
But shouldn’t the paragraphs only be 140 characters long?
jon1979 on August 12, 2009 at 7:41 PM
Doctor, you should start @McCainBlogetteNot – you are, like, so satirical! You might even get more Twitter followers than Michelle.
disa on August 12, 2009 at 7:41 PM
Satire people…excellent satire (kudos to Doctor Zero!!11!!), but satire nonetheless.
When all you see is Meggie Mac’s stupid side, well I guess you’ve seen all of her.
John H on August 12, 2009 at 7:51 PM
You’re Meghan McCain, and you’re jealous. You were all ready to be crowned princess, and you hired a makeup consultant and a new hair sissy, and somehow the old man screwed the pooch.
You’re Meghan McCain, and you’re jealous. You’ve always been so rich that tout le monde assures you that having blond hair and a pretty face makes the midnight refrigerator raids meaningless, and that being a fag hag is rilly hot. And this little Asian person or whatever with two kids for God’s sake is getting all this attention.
You’re Meghan McCain, and you’re jealous. You were supposed to be the altogether It Girl, and now this snippy little brown chick with the big brain and cute figure thinks that just because she’s gorgeous and can write like a bitch she’s more important than you are.
You’re Meghan McCain, and you’re jealous.
With apologies to Stuart Schwartz
warbaby on August 12, 2009 at 7:52 PM
Doc, that’s FUNYUNS, not Funions. Now I have saved you from being like, totally discredited.
sawbuck on August 12, 2009 at 7:53 PM
You’re Meghan McCain, and you’re jealous. You were all ready to be crowned princess, and you hired a makeup consultant and a new hair sissy, and somehow the old man screwed the pooch.
You’re Meghan McCain, and you’re jealous. You’ve always been so rich that tout le monde assures you that having blond hair and a pretty face makes the midnight refrigerator raids meaningless, and that being a faghag is rilly hot. And this little Asian person or whatever with two kids for God’s sake is getting all this attention.
You’re Meghan McCain, and you’re jealous. You were supposed to be the altogether It Girl, and now this snippy little brown chick with the big brain and cute figure thinks that just because she’s gorgeous and can write like a bitch she’s more important than you are.
You’re Meghan McCain, and you’re jealous.
With apologies to Stuart Schwartz
warbaby on August 12, 2009 at 8:02 PM
I had to quit reading this excerpt after the first two paragraphs, before my head exploded. Young, idealistic, and a total moron!
GFW on August 12, 2009 at 8:15 PM
You working on a book yet, Doc0?
DrRansom on August 12, 2009 at 8:22 PM
Like totally great piece of satire Dr Zero.
casel21 on August 12, 2009 at 8:27 PM
This is like a joke, right?
stenwin77 on August 12, 2009 at 8:31 PM
It was not until I was half way through the article that I realised this was satire. It sounded so much like MegaMac that I thought it was her.
Way to ‘channel’ Dr Zero but you had better get that looked at or you might go over to the Mac side and not return!!
Brizzy29 on August 12, 2009 at 8:36 PM
What a hoot. The whole piece was a satiric treat. One thing about Meghan, her keyboard is telepathic… the more she writes, the more men under 30 just know she’s an easy score.
But if we’re going to have a Gladiator match I’m going with Malkin all the way. The Boss would cut that skinny-legged punk in half just above the Mom Jeans spandex.
T J Green on August 12, 2009 at 8:57 PM
Solid gold Doc! I never laughed so loud.
RMR on August 12, 2009 at 9:05 PM
Chubs blocks haters aka, those who disagree with her. There’s a guy she is always accusing him of falsely impersonating her. She doesn’t quite understand the concept of parody.
Blake on August 12, 2009 at 9:11 PM
It is amazing how well she can write on the back of a Harley… What is the name of that seat called? Oh, yeah… that…
Khun Joe on August 12, 2009 at 9:13 PM
Brilliant! lol
Midas on August 12, 2009 at 9:21 PM
You all do realize, don’t you that Meghan’s Book will outsell MM’s book. Just as soon as her rich mom buys 1,000,000 copies.
Luka on August 12, 2009 at 10:01 PM
Meghan writes like a 3rd grader. No offense to 3rd graders.
Hobbes on August 12, 2009 at 10:33 PM
I imagined Moon Unit Zappa’s valley girl voice in my head while reading this. I smell audio book!!
Wileygrl3 on August 12, 2009 at 10:35 PM
Meggie can have all the titter friends she wants. I just saw on Facebook that Michelle has 9999 facebook friends. I joined making it an even 10,000! Hey Meggie McLame! Eat that!
Vntnrse on August 12, 2009 at 10:49 PM
Best Meghan McCain article evah! Thanks Dr. Zero for a good laugh!
Christian Conservative on August 12, 2009 at 10:50 PM
The only valid points associated with Megs is the two (2) sagging fatty tissue ones in front.
(forgive me, I’m trying to upstage csdeven)
Mcguyver on August 12, 2009 at 10:52 PM
This is clearly Ghost Written by David Frum and Peggy Noonan. Mehgan couldn’t write three paragraphs like that all by herself.
BillaryMcBush on August 13, 2009 at 12:36 AM
Doctor Zero, graduate of Iowahawk’s finishin school of satire.
Funny Funny Funny
Sapwolf on August 13, 2009 at 12:43 AM
Man, that’s a whole lotta beer.
Sapwolf on August 13, 2009 at 12:43 AM
Doctor Zero…
You should get paid for satire this sharp.
The swordsmiths in Japan are green with envy over this.
Chaz706 on August 13, 2009 at 2:04 AM
Not quite Mark Steyn, but AWFULLY close, and REALLY FUNNY!!
(memo to self – got to keep more paper towels next to keyboard)
fred5678 on August 13, 2009 at 3:23 AM
You need not have put so much of that pap up there, I couldn’t even get past 2 paragraphs of her idiotic rambling.
We need healthcare so we can stop dying and stuff. Yeah, and like, um, yeah, and pink bubble gum…oh no, that was my brain, for sure, mmm yeah, k? Ppl really need to worship me because I’m all like, um, cool and stuff cuz I gots me dem twit followers and stuff and that’s like cool and stuff, k?
Someone dispatch this idiot.
Spiritk9 on August 13, 2009 at 4:08 AM
Uh god. It was a parody? Lol, guess I should have forced myself to read the rest of the drivel. It sounded so much like the crap that falls out of her mouth I actually thought it was hers.
Spiritk9 on August 13, 2009 at 4:10 AM
This is hilarious. I also think you had entirely too much fun writing it.
You know, my major beef with Meghan Mc is personal. When I was in highschool, I remember the social climbing days. I stopped being who I was to fit into the crowd I thought was more liked. I think we all do that sometimes. College was easier, but, it wasn’t without a price. I remember thinking (I guess when I was her age) that it was sort of lame to just follow, or get a keg and invite people, or get some new clothes or get a tattoo because ANYONE CAN DO THESE THINGS (not that these things are wrong, just, anyone can do this for a price.) So, bottom line, she is right in the thick of it. She wants to be a star (i.e. the cool kid) and she is dragging us along with her in this embarrassingly public pursuit. I actually just wish I could pull her (and her dad, for that matter) and just say, “It’s not worth it and you are trying too, too hard. It’s so going to backfire on you.” But, maybe it wont. Money sometimes protects people from such things. She might have just enough people around her interested in her social status that she never knows.
For the record, I followed her on Twitter because of her trainwreckishness.
Mommypundit on August 13, 2009 at 5:31 AM
Another thing, she certainly must not care one iota whether she sells copies of her book or not because, well, that’s not the barometer of coolness anyway, as has been discussed.
So, yeah. Wont be reading her book.
Mommypundit on August 13, 2009 at 5:35 AM
Way to B….Dr Z!!!
SwabJockey on August 13, 2009 at 6:29 AM
Wonderful. In fact so wonderful it was not immediately obvious this was parody. Nice copy of nast meggie drivel
clnurnberg on August 13, 2009 at 9:19 AM
I do not even know where to start. My first field of study was psychology before I wised up and went back for an MBA. Who wants to counsel people with her obvious mental issues. There are so many things wrong with this narcissistic imbecile on so many levels. It is astounding she can get paid for such drivil. Holy smokes, do real people take this fruitcake seriously. What a tool of the left.
This mentality does not belong in the GOP or Libertarian Parties. Someone kill me now if this is the voice of the future.
This definitely needs to promote to the main page. Whose rear needs to be kissed to move this up?
usarmyretired on August 13, 2009 at 10:59 AM
WOW
When she’s fifty and reads this garbage, I laugh at the picture in my head.
Parade on August 13, 2009 at 11:29 AM