An Excerpt From Meghan McCain’s Totally Awesome Six-Figure Book, Coming Soon!

posted at 4:07 pm on August 12, 2009 by Doctor Zero

From Chapter 16, “Staying Extremely Cool In The Face Of Extremism”:

… having a hard time understanding why people were so slow to follow my warnings, and steer clear of extremely extremist ppl like that extreme Michelle Malkin. I mean, like, we’re right in the middle of this historic debate about giving people health care so they won’t die any more, and she’s pushing some stupid book that says our historic black president is actually some kind of crook. Talk about ankle-biting! I mean, President Obama is not only historic and totally cool, but he probably has even more Twitter followers than me, and here’s this nasty little book by a woman that has less than half as many Twitter followers as I do, trying to cut him down! How stupid is that? Hello, Michelle? This President is a giant walking through history, and you’re like a little blob of pink bubble gum on the pavement, and I would totally be honored to be the curb he uses to scrape you off his shoe after he steps on you.

Uncool people like Michelle Malkin just want to block health care so everyone will get sick and die, I guess. That’s the kind of cruelty I’m doing battle with, in my righteous quest to reform the party of hateful, retarded, gay-bashing rednecks that I love so much. I sincerely believe there is a place in my party for evil far-right homophobes like Michelle… but it’s way behind the hot, fresh young vanguard of the new conservative generation. One of the basic principles of conservatism is that young people know more than old people, and make better leaders. You know who all the top news anchors say is the leader of those cutting-edge young Republicans? I’ll give you a hint: her initials are “MM”, but it isn’t Michelle Malkin.

Maybe the old fossil conservatives could do our laundry and make sure we have a steady supply of Funions and frappucinos, while we fight the battle for a brighter Republican future. Only hip young tattooed New Republicans have a chance of winning major conservative victories, like chopping a few thousand dollars off the national debt, and forcing fundamentalist extremists to attend gay weddings if they want to keep the tax deductions for their hateful little churches.

My party will need leadership in the years to come. We need someone who can win the approval of the same media that worships me, then go on to run a principled, respectable campaign to lose gracefully to President Obama in 2012. We need to show America that we Republicans are totally inclusive and moderate, like the Democrats. That way, everyone will love us, and we’ll enjoy friendly and respectful media coverage in 2016. If we run some kind of fundamentalist extremist gay-bashing animal-hating extremist from some weird state nobody ever heard of, like Alaska, we’re just going to nuke the fridge for a whole generation of young Republicans.

I mean, if we want to win like the Democrats, we have to be like the Democrats, right? It’s just common sense, like everything that guy Kewie Dee says. Democrats are soooo cool and inclusive, they make me want to giggle like a giddy schoolgirl. Like, one time I’m walking from the limo to a trendy restaurant in D.C., and I bump into Sheila Jackson Lee, and she’s all like “Meghan, I’m buying,” and I’m like OMG, this place is really expensive, but she says no problem, she can write it off as a travel expense – she had to cross the street to get there, and that’s travel, right? So she has her bodyguards clear all the riff-raff out of our way, and this one guy – he looked like one of those nasty old extremists that shows up at town-hall meetings – he starts shouting questions about health care legislation at Sheila, quoting entire paragraphs from the freaking bill. Sheila was just totally cool about it. She had the guy tasered without breaking a sweat. I mean, how awesome is that? No one who needs Regnery Publishing to handle their dead-tree stuff can approach that kind of refined, elegant style..

You know who would be a completely fantastic leader for a hip, young, reinvented Republican party? My dad, that’s who. He sure knows better than to get snarky with people who have more Twitter followers than he does. He is also the undisputed black-belt grand master at losing gracefully to President Obama, which, as I mentioned, will be a key component of Republican strategy in 2012. Here’s a little juicy inside dish for you: my dad wanted to cancel his campaign and concede the race in, like, September of 2008… but that witch from Wasilla wouldn’t let him. It would have been a totally brilliant move, because it would have built up so much love and respect from reporters, and it would have showed moderates just how inclusive our new Republican Party can be. But You-Know-Who was too extreme and homophobic to listen to reason.

My party should learn from my dad’s example, and quit trying to sell hate and fear. We should be more like the Democrats, who just want to stop greedy doctors from stealing children’s tonsils, give people free money for cars, and pass environmental legislation before greedy businessmen destroy the Earth. We should stop trying to scare everyone by talking about runaway spending, Constitutional principles, political corruption, and similar extreme topics. In my next chapter, I’ll explain how support for gay marriage will lead my party back into control of the White House and Congress, after President Obama is finished using them…

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