Moola For Mowers

posted at 8:01 am on August 4, 2009 by Mitch Berg

I was cutting my grass over the weekend when I was approached by a late-fiftysomething couple bearing clipboards and carrying a briefcase. She was prematurely gray, ponytailed, wearing a faded “Don’t Park The Bus” t-shirt and a peasant skirt. Come to think of it, so was he.

The following conversation happened:

WOMAN (Prematurely gray, ponytailed, wearing a faded “Don’t Park The Bus” t-shirt and a peasant skirt): “Excuse me, sir…”

MITCH: Yes?

WOMAN: Have you heard about the government’s “Moola for Mowers” program?

MITCH: Er…no?

MAN: We offer…

WOMAN: SHUT UP! (Man shinks). We offer people $5,000 to get rid of their energy-inefficient lawn mowers.

MITCH: Er – Five thousand dollars? For lawn mowers? Like this one?

MAN: Exactly like…

WOMAN: SHUT UP! (Man cowers as if he expects to be struck) Yes, sir. Exactly like that one.

MITCH: Um…OK? So what do I do?

(MAN pulls ball-peen hammer from briefcase).

WOMAN: We give you $5,000 in cash, and Bhill here will destroy it.

MITCH: But I got this mower at a rummage sale for like $30…

MAN: Not a…

WOMAN: SHUT UP AND STOP UPSTAGING ME! (Man falls mute, looking like a dog that’s been beaten too much) Sir, that’s really not the issue here. We need to get this mower off the street. Would you like $5,000, or not?

MITCH: Sure!

(WOMAN peels off fifty $100 bills. MITCH takes them, stuffs them into wallet).

WOMAN: Yes! The program is a success! Bhill?

MAN (trudges to mower, like he spends half his time just covering up, and beats it weakly about the cylinder head)

MITCH: So…you getting a lot of takers?

WOMAN: Oh, yes! Everyone we’ve talked to has taken the $5,000 for their mower! Indeed, one man told his neighbors, and the all brought out mowers and snowblowers! It’s the most successful government program ever!

MITCH: I’d imagine…

MAN: (Smacks the head until the spark plug breaks off).

WOMAN: Yaaaaaay! Total success! Complete proof that Obama has brought hope and change!

MITCH: Why? Because I got $5,000 in taxpayer money for a $30 mower?

WOMAN (happily): Yes!

MITCH: And because all my neighbors got the same for mowers that maybe ran $50-200?

WOMAN (ecstatic): Yes!

MITCH: But whomever is funding this “program” just got ripped off to the tune of about 99.4% of their “investment”, which…

WOMAN (nonplussed): But…a gas-guzzling mower is off the street!

MITCH: Right – for 100 times what it could have cost!

WOMAN: (Silent for a moment): Why do you hate children?

MAN (glares at woman demonically)

Cross-posted as Shot In The Dark

Blowback

Note from Hot Air management: This section is for comments from Hot Air's community of registered readers. Please don't assume that Hot Air management agrees with or otherwise endorses any particular comment just because we let it stand. A reminder: Anyone who fails to comply with our terms of use may lose their posting privilege.

Trackbacks/Pings

Trackback URL

Comments

Heh.

The mower I used for the better part of 10 years was salvaged from the in-laws garage. They’d used it for 6 or 7 years, and finally bought a better one, but .. it still worked.

I had the blade sharpened a couple times, had it “tuned up” once. Handle was held together with hose clamps. .. it still worked.

Finally gave it to a young couple when they got their first house and bought a newer, fancier one. Far as I know, they’re still using it…

Mew

acat on August 4, 2009 at 8:46 AM

These people would just love my mower. Kubota F3060.

It has a three bladed, six-foot wide deck out in front, hydraulic lift, power take off shaft and gearbox on top.

Locking differential, variable four wheel drive.

4 cylinder, 30hp diesel engine.

Shipping weight is listed in the brochure at 1735lbs.

You are not going to destroy it with a ball peen hammer.
It’s not made of cheap thin sheet metal, it’s rolled steel plate, like a tank or battleship.