Sarah Palin Needs to Help Conservative Bloggers So We Can Make Stuff Up, Too
posted at 5:42 am on August 2, 2009 by The Other McCain
Many Republicans have been heard to complain recently, “Hey, what’s wrong with you conservative bloggers? How come you can’t just make stuff up the way those left-wingers do? You need to get with this 21st-century Web 2.0 thing, OK?”
Yesterday, we discovered the problem: Conservative bloggers don’t have “sources” the way progressives do. Take for instance, the highly influential blog called Immoral Minority, which has been rockin’ the Site Meter lately. Their secret? Sources:
Earlier this week one of my best sources claimed to have explosive new information for me . . .
According to my source Sarah is finished with Todd and has decided to end their marriage . . .
As for the babygate story . . . my sources are still working on it, and the information is becoming more accessible . . .
It’s all about “sources,” you see. Which is a big problem for conservative bloggers, because for some reason we can’t get any sources with intimate details of the marriages of prominent Democrats. Whereas the lefty bloggers make it look easy to find sources who know everything about Todd and Sarah Palin. Just check out CNN stringer/blogger Dennis Zaki:
AlaskaReport has learned today that Todd Palin and former Alaska governor Sarah Palin are to divorce. Multiple sources in Wasilla and Anchorage (including a former Palin staffer) have confirmed the split.
Wow. So Friday night, the Immoral Majority gets this big scoop from one of their “best sources,” posts it at 6 a.m. Saturday morning, and within hours, Zaki’s story with “multiple sources” is the top item at Memeorandum!
Behold the awesome power of “sources,” ye conservatives, and tremble in fear!
But wait, what’s this? Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton issues a statement:
There is no truth to the recent “story” . . . that the Palins are divorcing. The Palins remain married, committed to each other and their family . . .
Ah, but Stapleton is not “sources,” is she? Nor is this person quoted by some conservative bloggers:
“Divorce Todd? Have you seen Todd? I may be just a renegade hockey mom, but I’m not blind!”
— SARAH PALIN, 5:35 p.m. ET
Sorry, Mrs. Palin, this simply won’t do the job in the New Media environment. Anything said by someone with an actual name can never trump “sources,” as the amazing Immoral Minority demonstrated with a subsequent update:
Update3: I just talked to my source again and learned the following.
Sarah and Todd will not be making their break up official for some time. . . .
However Todd is currently sleeping on the couch and, though they are still occupying the same house, the temperature is below freezing, if you get my drift. . . .
Doggone that “source”! Why is it that only progressives know where Todd is sleeping? Why can’t any conservative bloggers get sources to tell them this kind of important stuff?
Myself, I didn’t sleep with my wife last night because I didn’t sleep at all. I’ve been working non-stop ever since I found out about this big story — and not from my sources, but from these highly reliable progressive bloggers who seem to have a monopoly on that “source”-type action. Transcript of a Saturday afternoon phone conversation:
ME: “Why didn’t you tell me about this divorce thing?”
SOURCE: “Because it’s not true.”
SOURCE: “It’s completely false.”
ME: “Completely false? Can I quote that? Is it authorized?”
SOURCE: “They already issued an official denial.”
ME: “So, not only didn’t you call me first about the rumor, you also didn’t call me first about the denial.”
Why is it that my sources never seem to understand how this whole New Media thing works? Let’s face it, Mrs. Palin, as long as those progressive bloggers are getting up-to-the-minute briefings on the temperature at the Palin residence — if you get my drift — while somebody who has posting privileges here at Michelle Malkin’s Hot Air can’t even get the first phone call on the denial, how do you expect us to beat those guys in terms of making stuff up?
Now, here’s my idea: I told my source to give my phone number to . . . uh, two sources in Wasilla, Alaska, if you get my drift. Because I’ve made my living as a professional journalist since 1986, I’m not really so good at this newfangled making-stuff-up business, but I’d be willing to give it a try:
MONDAY, AUG. 3, 2009, 4:34 P.M. — Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and husband Todd “went at it like crazy” Sunday evening at their home in Wasilla, according to one source familiar with the couple’s rendezvous.
“Man, I don’t know what got into her last night,” said the source, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I’ve never seen anything like it before. No, wait, maybe that time we went camping back in . . . ’96. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it was ’96, but it might have been ’97. Anyway, the thing is, it was awesome.”
Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton refused to comment on the allegation.
UPDATE 6:17 P.M. — I now have further confirmation of the previously reported romantic encounter between the Palins, although one of my best sources disputes key details of our earlier account.
“Me? He said it was me?” said the source. “Oh, no way, it was totally him. You betcha. All I did was put on an old Rod Stewart CD while I was cooking the fish we caught last weekend, and next thing ya know, he’s singin’ along about ‘tonight’s the night’ and stuff. Of course, he can’t sing worth a darn, but he doesn’t know that.”
According to this source, Todd Palin “came up behind” the former governor, put his arms around her and began kissing her neck “all sweet-like” which caused the 2008 Republican vice-presidential candidate to laugh.
“Like I don’t know what you’re up to, Mister,” Mrs. Palin reportedly said.
Todd Palin was obviously seeking to make amends for previous neglect, according to this source. A four-time Tesoro Iron Dog snow-race champion, the governor’s husband “was trying to make up for lost time, I guess, because . . . well, he sure as heck wasn’t complaining, I can tell you that. You betcha.”
Asked about the apparent discepancy with Hot Air’s original report, the first source confirmed these new details.
“Whatever, man,” the first source said. “All I’m saying is, well, he shoots, he scores, right? Standing ovation, you might say.”
Further developments in the new scandal will be reported as details become available.
UPDATE 7:42 P.M.:– Still more confirmation from a new source.
“Ewwwww, gross,” said someone familiar with Sunday evening’s events. “Like, it’s bad enough when you can hear ’em in there, like I don’t know, OK? I just turned up my iPod and was like, whatever.”
While only indirectly confirming the controversial encounter between Mrs. Palin and the man the former governor still calls “First Dude,” this new source revealed a potentially intriguing angle involving Bristol Palin’s ex-fiance Levi Johnston.
Characterizing Johnston as a “total loser,” this source suggested it is extremely unlikely the father of Bristol’s infant son will ever “get his crap together.”
“Oh, puh-leeze! You’re talking ‘Ricky Hollywood,’ OK? I was like, ‘What’s up with that?’ . . . He’s supposed to be doing some kind of reality TV thing, and I’m like, right. They need to call it ‘America’s Biggest Jerk,’ ya know?”
Also confirmed was that the reported breach between Bristol and Johnston is “definitely” permanent. “Not in a million flippin’ years,” said the source, adding that Johnston had not “bought the first flippin’ diaper” for their son, Tripp.
Hot Air will continue to provide exclusive coverage of these controversies, including rumors that the Palins’ 14-year-old daughter Willow thinks pop musician Joe Jonas is “totally to die for.”
Anyway, Mrs. Palin, while I have no previous experience in making stuff up the way Dennis Zaki does, I would consider attempting it, if only I had some of those “sources” like the progressive bloggers do.
But like I said, I haven’t slept since Saturday morning and haven’t showered since Friday night, so I’ll have to wrap this up now. Sources confirm that a shower and some cologne might be especially helpful in further developments, if you get my drift . . .