Green Room

A Must-Have for Every Politician

posted at 7:14 am on June 30, 2009 by

It’s too bad Billy Mays passed away… I can almost hear him pitching this great product. Mark Sanford is just the latest in a long line of politicians who could have benefited from this:

Introducing The Besieged Politician Blame-Deflecting Press Release Creator

Are you a politician who’s gotten into just a little bit of trouble? Are you tired of having to think up an excuse at the last second? Well, worry no more, because The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator is here.

Don’t end up having to throw your excuses together at the last minute in haphazard fashion. Be prepared! Just because you may have been caught with your pants down is no reason to be caught with your pants down!

Just choose what you’ve been accused of, insert the proper information using our exclusive “fill in the blank” technology, and voila, The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator does the rest!

With The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator, you get excuses for 199 different crimes, misdemeanors and morally questionable slip-ups. Yes, you heard it right, 199 different crimes, misdemeanors and morally questionable slip-ups — for only $9,999.95!

For the price of the first 10 minutes of a re-election fundraiser, you get quality blame deflecting press releases that can either be faxed or e-mailed to the media, or read at a press conference.

Here’s just one example of what you get when you order The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator:

Drunk driving

As most of you now know, (insert time of arrest, i.e. “last night,” “early this morning,” etc.) I was pulled over by officers from the (name of city) police department. As a public figure and servant of the people, I take full responsibility for my actions. I plan to check into an alcohol treatment program to confront the effects of the dreaded disease with which I have been afflicted. In taking full responsibility for my actions, I must confess that, years ago, I was sexually assaulted by (insert “clergy,” “scout leader,” etc.), which caused me to seek relief at the bottom of a bottle, but fortunately that didn’t rob me of my ability to accept full responsibility for this incident (if election year, replace “incident” with “cry for help”) and to undertake a life of public service.

Being afflicted with Crohn’s colitis (or chronic fatigue syndrome, mesothelioma, shingles, painful rectal hematoma, etc.), which was misdiagnosed by a doctor at the (name of out-of-the-way hospital in an area making it difficult for the press to substantiate the claim), made it necessary to seek relief from the physical agony in the form of (name of favorite drink — For men, if the answer is “Cosmopolitan,” use “Vodka martinis” instead).

It’s been a pleasure to serve my constituency in (insert district), not unlike the homeless people I serve turkey and potatoes to on Thanksgiving Day at the (name of nearby shelter), even in the throes of chronic migraines (or diverticulitis, acid reflux disease, etc.). Thank you for your continued support, and God bless you (if in liberal district, leave out the God part — if delivering to the Hollywood left, replace “God” with “L. Ron Hubbard”).


Yes, that’s right, and with The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator, you get 198 more press releases, all fully customizable! Here’s just a sampling of accusations you’ll be fully prepared to confront:

Intern groping
Punched airport security
Instant messages to pages
The “Kennedy family trifecta” (drunk driving, rape, public nudity)
Appalachian hike detour
Gay prostitution ring
Selling a Senate seat
Buying a Senate seat
3 a.m. voicemail
Who’s that woman in my car?
“But I’m not gay!”
Felon fundraisers
Child pornography
Sex tape
Highway rest area surprise
Dress stain
Crack smoking
Prescription medication addiction
The “N” word
Botched suicide attempt
Botched murder attempt
Botched robbery attempt
Botched shoplifting attempt
Bathhouse bust
Free event tickets
Previous KKK affiliation
Current KKK affiliation
Airport restroom tap
How’d that cash get in my freezer?
Six-week “Fact-finding mission” to Fiji
Peepshow incident
High treason
Low treason
Medium treason
Larry Flynt revelations
“She sure looked 18!”
Mysterious staffer disappearance
Bullwhip fetish
What bailout money in my closet?
Restaurant threesome

And many, many more!

The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator. Never be caught unprepared again. To order yours today, call 1-800-RESPONSIBLE or log on at

How much is your career worth to you?

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How much extra for the Obama “as I have said before” plug-in module, which lets you pretend that flip-flops you just executed yesterday are actually your lonstanding deeply-held beliefs?

Shouldn’t there be a disclaimer, printed in tiny letters or read so quickly that you can barely make out the words, explaining that this product only works for Democrats? Or at least a surgeon general’s warning that excessive use of this product will make your press secretary look like a complete idiot?

Toss in a couple of Absolute Moral Authority cards, and a box of Sham Wows, and I’m ready to order!

Doctor Zero on June 30, 2009 at 8:14 AM