Crude Oil Prices Heading for $250 per Barrel

posted at 12:06 pm on June 11, 2009 by Rovin
[ Economics ]    printer-friendly

In the spirit of providing consumer news related to oil prices predicted to hit $250 dollars a barrel –and inflationary spending practices,  I would like to present this satirical report:

Breaking News!  U.S. Government and Private American Owned Oil Companies to Open Vast Reserves of Petroleum–Mexico, Canada Join in the Venture

In response to world oil manipulators that artificially raised the price of petroleum products, Barack Obama and the Democratic Party in a joint effort with the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers (CAPP) and Petroleos Mexicanos (PEMEX), have agreed to ramp up production at emergency speeds renewing the established partnership through NAFTA and the Security and Prosperity Partnership (SPP).  In a joint statement released by the White House and Secretary of Energy Steven Chu, (who moved up seven spots in the Presidential line of succession last week with sudden resignations from House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and other department heads), the new partnership has pledged to put a permanent end to $500 dollar per barrel crude oil prices.

“The days of OPEC and foreign oil producing countries controlling and manipulating our economic and energy stability are over” Chu said while outlining the North American Partnership of Petroleum Producers, (NAPPP).  Sweet Crude oil prices plummeted $250 dollars in just over two hours, while speculators took the largest financial bath in commodities history.

 ”I can’t even afford to plug my Prius into a socket this afternoon” said one speculator who refused to use his name in this article for fear of creditor’s recognition.  Other speculators have said they will appeal to the government for a bailout, but also fearing consumer backlash, they are refusing to use their real names on the applications for relief, (AFR’s).  Meanwhile the Department of Justice, (DOJ), issued a statement claiming the investigation opened last week against oil manipulators, (OM’s), said the process would have to be suspended pending new appointments within the department.  “No one can understand the sudden exodus or why so many at the DOJ have resigned in the past week” said DOJ janitor Russell Vanfastergas, who was left in charge after the unexplained disappearance of Eric Holder.  Reported sightings of Holder have been all over the globe, from Venezuela to Saudi Arabia.

Gas pump prices also plummeted from last weeks high of $22 dollars a gallon to $7.95.  “I can buy two gallons and finally make it to the store, but at $12 dollars for a loaf of bread, I’m hoping someone will split the loaf with me” said Frank Reasons, a former Acorn community organizer.  “To be honest, I can’t believe how many gullible people voted for this President and a Democrat Party that promised us prosperity under his direction of hope and change” Reasons said.

In other news, Barack Obama opened up his 2012 re-election campaign, (three years ahead of schedule) at the Hotel Alba in Caracas, Venezuela with newly crowned King Hugo.  Although Chavez reportedly released 25,000 political prisoners to attend the event, only two ambulances showed up.  “Izz jez no so easy to find 50,000 crutches in de short notice” said a prison guard.  “No of us have universe healthy care like Americanos”

Former press secretary Robert Gibbs is also scheduled to be released from Mt Sinai sanatorium today.  “He only babbles every third word which is a huge improvement” said Doctor Analduh Arus, the proctologist assigned to Gibbs care because of the sudden shortage of psychiatrist in the public sector.  At $40,000 dollars per hour, Psychiatry was not included in Obama’s eight trillion dollar health care bill signed last month.  “We have to put some controls on spending and until I consult my teleprompter, I have no further comment” the President said.

TPU, (Teleprompter Parts Unlimited), stocks rose sharply as crippled oil speculators entered the market.  But, at an inspection of a Southside Chicago warehouse belonging to TPU, all officials found was a huge stockpile of crutches.

(the previous title was changed by the author to reduce confusion) 

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