New Miranda Rights Issued for Terror Suspects
posted at 1:05 pm on June 11, 2009 by dougpowers
[ Fun ] regular view
The Weekly Standard reported that the Obama administration has ordered that Miranda Rights be read to all captured terrorist suspects in Afghanistan (or “Ahf-gahn-ee-stahn” as the president calls it).
But the Justice Department says there is no change on the Miranda policy for captured terror suspects — er, excuse me, “alleged potential man-caused disaster initiators.”
This isn’t exactly true. One of my semi-reliable sources in DC tells me that the Obama administration has quietly been working with the most liberal members of Congress in order to draft an updated Miranda Warning specifically for accused terrorists.
The new Miranda Rights are expected to be released for mandatory use in Afghanistan beginning next week, and here they are:
1. You have the right to remain salient.
2. Anything you say can and will be used against the people who took you into custody.
3. You have the right to have an attorney present during questioning of Dick Cheney and the CIA.
4. If you cannot afford an attorney, the people you’re accused of trying to kill will pick up the tab. Just remember, if you’re released and eventually kill them, there might not be anybody to pay for your attorney the next time.
5. If you’re taken to the U.S., you have the right to sue big tobacco while you’re there.
6. You have a right to irony, such as being placed under the protection of the U.S. Constitution against your will by people who claim to loathe forcing the American way of life on people in other countries.
7. You have the right tell CNN that Nancy Pelosi didn’t know anything about waterboarding.
8. You have the right to consider being read these rights “torture,” and if so you will be allowed to seek asylum at either Amnesty International or in Janeane Garofalo’s basement.
9. Do you understand and agree with these rights? Because if you don’t, we’ll give you a pen and you can cross out the parts you don’t like or add rights you think we should have included.
10. With these rights in mind, are you willing to speak with former President Jimmy Carter and Rep. John Murtha about the charges against the people who captured you?
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Funny…until I realized how much truth this presents. By Mirandizing these suspected terrorists we are affording them Constitutional Rights and US Citizenship…therefore, it sounds like Obama & Co. have come up with yet another voter retention plan!
redwhiteblue on June 11, 2009 at 2:00 PM
I’d rather change it to:
1. You have the right to remain dead.
Daggett on June 11, 2009 at 2:39 PM
I’m still confused on this story – are we reading Miranda’s or not? I saw a report that it was definitely happening – but another that said “no”.
If the reports that we’re reading them their rights are true – here’s the problem …
Obama has said that he’s against the “Enhanced Interrogation Techniques” used by the Bush Administration – that’s fact one.
There is undeniable evidence from several reputable sources (who are not anonymous and are completely on record) – saying that those Enhanced Interrogation Techniques compelled detainees to reveal critical information on upcoming terror plans which national security agencies used to thwart those plans – THEREBY SAVING LIVES – AMERICAN LIVES – and from many reports – A LOT OF LIVES. This is fact two.
Obama acknowledges that lives were saved through the use of EIT’s – but says that he believes we could have gotten that information from detainees using other techniques – he doesn’t elaborate on exactly what techniques he’s talking about. That’s fact THREE.
Now … I’m asking – what the kind of technique will make a terrorist talk if you’re reading him a right that says … “You have the right to remain silent?”
Isn’t this completely contradictory to what Obama said when he said we could get the information from detainees using other, “softer” forms of interrogation? How in the hell do you get any information from a detainee when you tell him he can remain silent and that – in fact, if he opens his mouth things just get worse for him??
HondaV65 on June 12, 2009 at 7:06 AM