The Infinite Vastness of Suckitude

posted at 10:44 am on June 10, 2009 by The Other McCain
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Have you ever found yourself trapped in a Mobius Loop of negative feedback? That’s me lately. I’m the Joe Btfsplk of conservative writers.

When did I enter this dark chasm of forlorn lucklessness? Let’s start with Tucker Carlson. When the bowtied TV pundit rolled into the Heritage Foundation bloggers meeting and pronounced himself the Internet salvation of the Right, the purposeful insult to me was a clear indicator that however much blogospheric street-cred I’d accumulated, my fortunes had taken a sudden and steep decline. Obviously, if I’m deemed incompetent even to aggregate the news, I’m at the bottom of the Grand Canyon of Suck.

This sadistic pimp-slapping from Carlson evidently served as a signal for others to pile on. Even my so-called “friends” joined the beat-down:

• Donald Douglas at American Power gloated that he’d made No. 71 on Wikio’s list of Top 100 Political Blogs, a list from which my absence was conspicuous.
• Monday, I sent a 1,000-word column to Pajamas Media. Not only was the column not published, but they didn’t even bother to reply, not even to tell me that the column sucked.
• Of course, PJM didn’t have to tell me my columns suck, because today John Hawkins published his list of “The 30 Best Conservative Columnists For 2009,” from which I was again conspicuously absent. Everything I’ve written for The American Spectator? A continuous stream of suckingness.

As if to add an emphatic exclamation mark to this message, Allahpundit punctuated it unmistakably. I’d compiled a massive aggregation on the Playboy/Cimbalo “HateF***Gate” scandal, and then composed an editorial titled “Fire Them All, Mr. Flanders.”

Surely, as a stirring defense of The Boss, you might think this would merit linkage. You would be wrong. In fact, to emphasize how badly I suck, Allah linked another writer.

I can’t complain. To externalize blame by scapegoating Allah would be to evade personal responsibility for my own infinite suckitude. If Allah hates me — and who could doubt he does? – it is all my fault. The Mobius Loop is endless.

UPDATE: Thanks for illustrating my point, Melissa. When a guy is rated less “hot” than Andy Levy . . .

UPDATE II: Melissa adds a pity-link, because it’s the afterthought that counts. I feel like Molly Ringwald in “Sixteen Candles” when her whole family forgot her birthday.

UPDATE III: Fisherville Mike says it’s because I hang around with losers. No, Mike, you’ve got the chain of causality backward. They’re losers because they hang around with me.

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