Green Room

‘Jihad Stimulus’: An 8-Step Plan to Completely Ruin Al-Qaeda

posted at 1:38 pm on June 10, 2009 by

Interesting information from Counterterrorism Blog:

The NEFA Foundation has obtained a new audio message from Shaykh Mustafa Abu al-Yazid (a.k.a. “Shaykh Saeed”), during which Al-Qaida’s No. 3 in charge desperately begs for cash donations in order to fund continuing jihadi operations in Afghanistan.

If the Obama administration is serious about taking down the terrorist organization Al-Qaeda (I know, but just play along for a while), here’s what needs to be done immediately:

1– Respond to Shaykh Saeed’s request by announcing a trillion-dollar Al Qaeda bailout plan including a job stimulus package for the organization, with the U.S. government assuming a 65% stake in the group.

2– Put Tim Geithner in charge of overseeing the whole thing.

3– Fire the current Al Qaeda leaders and replace them with a CEO hand-picked by Obama and Geithner, who will, naturally, have no previous experience in the operation he’ll be in charge of.

4– Announce that, due to the need to make Al-Qaeda a leaner and more competitive organization, jihadi training camps that are unable to meet the new “green terrorism initiative” requirements (cars used in bombings must be hybrids, biodegradable detonators, shrapnel recycled, plant trees to carbon offset each attack, etc) will be closed, with the exception of any that might be in Barney Frank’s district.

5– “Leak” information about a Chris Dodd screw-up in the wording of the “Al Qaeda Recovery and Reinvestment Act” that Congress passed without reading, which failed to prevent millions of dollars of the bailout money being given as bonuses to Al Qaeda leaders.

6– Organize intimidating “bus tours” of the caves where Al Qaeda leaders who got bonuses live in order to hold any uncooperative members at bay.

7– Spend 25% of the jihad stimulus money on signs to let everybody know that jihadis are getting a lot of stimulus money — minus what was spent on the signs and the Al Qaeda exec bonuses as well as the 65% the government skims off the top, along with the 5% that is spent on R&D to find ways to confiscate the remaining 5%.

8– Sit back and watch the whole organization implode.

And here’s the best part: The Obama administration will instinctively blame Bush when it all goes to hell, so Dubya will get credit in the history books for getting rid of Al-Qaeda, and American taxpayers and future generations will have finally financed a huge government pile of pork that actually has a positive impact on the country.

In America today, finding ways of putting government incompetence to work for us is the only real stimulus plan we can hope for.

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Actually, none of this would be necessary if Obama thought Al Qaeda should be destroyed and not America.

shibumi on June 10, 2009 at 5:58 PM

shibumi is right, but at this point “hot snow falls up” is a FANTASTIC strategy.

mrsbash on June 10, 2009 at 8:13 PM

Points 1, 2 and 7 are absolutely hilarious.

45_caliber_translator on June 10, 2009 at 9:15 PM

Fax it to the WH stat.

Americannodash on June 10, 2009 at 11:30 PM

You left out the part where Robert Gibbs is the guy who appears on the grainy tapes released to Al-Jazzera instead of OBL.

Advocate For Change on June 11, 2009 at 12:22 AM