Green Room

Buying a car from UAW Motors…

posted at 8:56 pm on May 5, 2009 by

Our story begins as a nice, suburban couple, the Petersons, enter a UAW Motors Dealership to purchase a new mini-van for their growing family. Let’s listen in.

(Ding)

Salesman
–under his breath– Oh crap, here comes another couple…probably got some rugrats to haul around.
Uh, yeah, hi, welcome to UAW Motors, ummm, let me guess, needing a new car? The name’s Jake by the way.

Mr. Peterson
Yes sir, I’m Mr. Peterson and this is my wife Susan. We’re in the market for a minivan. Our sedan has reached it’s limit with our two children, and as you can see, we have anoth-

Jake
Well, that’s just great, not enough screamin’ kids in the world, huh? Oh well. Let me show you what we got.

Mr. Peterson
We have already decided on the Town and Country Touring model, and we’d li-

Jake
Ain’t got them.

Mr. Peterson
No? Why not?

Jake
Been off the market since Tuesday.

Mrs. Peterson
Ok, then what about the LX?

Jake
Ain’t got it neither. That’s been gone since last Wedneday. Had to cut back on models.

Mr. Peterson
Well, then what do you have?

Jake
Thought you’d never ask. [walks them to a van that looks like a mad scientist spliced a minivan and a PT Cruiser together...like a Ponitac Aztec, but smaller and uglier]
This here is the new Obama, Centennial Edition. Ain’t she a beaut?

Mrs. Peterson
Ummm…it’s a bit small, how am I going to fi-

Jake
Oh, don’t worry, it’s got lots of room inside. [leading the couple back inside] Now, I’d show it to you, but we have some paperwork to fill out first. I’m going to get Sam here [points at the obviously miffed Sam], to fill out your E-90 forms so we can let you see the inside. I’ll see ya in 15 – got to take a coffee break now.

Mr. Peterson
Uh, oh…ok…[turning to Sam] Hi, were the Peter-

Sam
Here, fill this out. [slaps down a form written in very tiny print] Press hard.

Mrs. Peterson
All this just to look inside?

Sam
Rules are rules lady.

Mr. Peterson
Um, I need a pen.

Sam
A pen! Can’t let you have a pen. You might poke yourself in the eye and then sue us! Pen! Whoever heard of such nonsense?

Mrs. Peterson
Here honey, I’ve got one. [Mr. Peterson scribbles furiously] When can we take it for a test drive?

Sam
Insurance regs won’t allow a test drive…it’s not like we’re a BMW dealer…damn Germans. Besides, we’re not allowed to leave the lot during workin’ hours. [To Mr. Peterson] You missed this here. [points at form]

Mr. Peterson
Well then how are we supposed to know if it drives well? Is comfortable…that sort of thing?

Sam
What are you talkin’ about? Of course it drives well! It’s built right here in the U.S. isn’t it? It’s all about supporting American Jobs and the American Worker. Here, [pointing to the paperwork] sign here and here, initial here, here, here, and [turning papers over], sign here.

Mr. Peterson
Well, I guess your right. [standing up] Ok, let’s go look at the car. Ready Sweetie?

Sam
[still sitting]You can’t look at it yet. Jake’s gotta show you.

Mr. Peterson
What? Why not?

Sam
Ain’t my job.

Mrs. Peterson
Well, is there anyone else who can show us the car?

Sam
Nope, Union rules. Only one sales person per shift. Ya’ gotta wait. Over there [waving his hand] behind the yellow line.

Mrs. Peterson
Come on honey, Jake won’t be long.

15 minutes later, Jake emerges.

Mr. Peterson
Finally! Can we see the car now?

Jake
Oh, we could…but…I don’t see Tammy anywhere…where did that girl…[to Sam] Where did she go?

Sam
I think she went to lunch.

Mr. Peterson
To lunch!? It’s only 10:30 in the morning! And why do we need Tammy?

Jake
[huffy] Union rules, everyone gets an hour lunch after two hours. And, for your information, she holds the code to the keybox.

Mrs. Peterson
Look, it’s simple, I’m sure there is a manager who can op-

Jake
Nope, Union rules is Union rules.

Mr. Peterson
[getting up] Well can’t you just call her?

Sam
Look people, there’s nothin’ we can do. It’s the law. And stay behind the yellow line!

Mr. Peterson
Come on sweetie, we’re leaving.

Jake
Can’t leave yet. You signed [looking at Sam] the E-90 form. You’re legally bound to look at the car and at least allow us to run you through the financing department.

Mrs. Peterson
What? I have to pick up my son in an hour! I can’t wait tha-

Jake
You can go, but your husband has to stay here. It’s his signature anyway. Tell you what, while you wait, let me bring over the financing form so you can save some time that way. Deal?

Mr. Peterson
Alright, I guess we have no choice. It will help pass the time anyway. [Jake walks over to a filing cabinet]

Mrs. Peterson
[to Sam] Where is your restroom?

Sam
Over there, down the hall and to your left…[Mrs. Peterson begins walking] but it won’t do you no good.

Mrs. Peterson
Why not? Is it out of order?

Sam
Nope, it works, but…see, Tammy is our only female working here, so Union rules state she has to keep the key with her…you know…to prevent sexual harassment.

Mrs. Peterson
Oh that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!

Jake
Hey, we don’t write the rules, ma’am…[handing a very thick set of papers to Mr. Peterson] Here are the forms. Be sure to press hard.

Mr. Peterson
Honey, just go home [handing her the keys] it’s obvious I’m going to be here a while.

Mrs. Peterson
Alright, are you going to be ok?

Mr. Peterson
I’ll be fine. [Mrs. Peterson leaves]

Tammy finally comes back from lunch and unlocks the key box. Jake, after taking another coffee break, shows the car to Mr. Peterson…who really can’t stand it and thinks its too small. Complaining Jake answers…

Jake
This is the way all American cars have to be…Smaller size gives it more economy…you know to save the environment. And it gets 30 miles to a gallon!

Mr. Peterson
[wincing] How much horsepower does it have?

Jake
45 horses of genuine American muscle! Plus it’s a hybrid, so it’s got batteries too, which will help on those steep hills.

Mr. Peterson
45…umm, yeah…hey why are the cup holders so small?

Jake
Well, one, to save space for the GPS tracking unit…that monitors your driving distance, two, law now states that all drinks must be 12 ounces or less to fight obesity [slapping his belly] sooo…there is no reason for them to be bigger.

Mr. Peterson
Alright, sheesh…any other colors? This green is sorta…ugly.

Jake
Well, no, a team of scientist and psychologists picked this color as it helps eliminate road rage. All new cars built by U.S. makers must be this color by next year. So you’ll be ahead of the curve!

Mr. Peterson
And, where is the stereo by the way…I can’t find it anywh-

Jake
[laughing] Can’t have a stereo, distracts the driver! Haven’t you been paying attention to the news? Plus, they needed the space to fit the 24 airbags. Safety first!

Mr. Peterson
[sighing] Fine. Let’s get this over with. Where is the financing department.

Jake
Right this way [leading him inside and into an office upstairs]. This is Bruce and he’ll take it from here [looking at his watch] Gotta go, I’m overdue for my next coffee break.

Bruce
Mr. Peterson, alright, let me…find…your…paperwork. Ahhh, yes, here it is. You show on the form that you’d like to trade in your Camry?

Mr. Peterson
That’s right.

Bruce
I’m afraid that is a foreign car, we won’t be able to take that on trade…so to finance this car, we’ll need 20% down, that makes your down payment [types on a calculator] $12,380.

Mr. Peterson
[yelling] Twelve Thousand dollars! I don’t have that! What about the new down-payment assistance program I saw on your commercials?

Bruce
No need to get upset, sir, calm down. I’ve already tried that and you don’t qualify. Seems you and your wife make too much money.

Mr. Peterson
But we only bring home $42,000 a year! Assistance is supposed to be available for anyone making under $50,000.

Bruce
$50,000 before taxes. Your household income is over $100,000 per year, and I see you have a retirement savings account. So, your disqualified. Now, if you were to lose your job, then we could help…[looking at the paperwork] whoops, nope, then you couldn’t afford the payments…hmmm. There is a website you can go to that explains all of this quite clearly.

Mr. Peterson
Well, I don’t have 12K in cash to spend on that piece of crap. I’m going somewhere else.

Bruce
No need to get testy sir…Now, if you’ll just pay your Union dues, since you are now a member, you’ll be able to leave.

Mr. Peterson
I didn’t join a Union! Where the heck is that?

Bruce
Remember the E-90 form you filled out? Oh, and you’re also now a registered Democrat…

Red Dot in a Red State

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Comments

That was funny. Scary thought, but funny.I think I’ll be buying just Ford from now on.

Sanjoboy on May 5, 2009 at 9:24 PM

Both of my Toyotas were made in the U.S. of A.

Well made. Solid.

I’m just sayin’

Mew

acat on May 6, 2009 at 7:10 AM

I can’t wait for the first time that “management” (UAW Brass) has to cross a picket line.

TugboatPhil on May 6, 2009 at 7:54 AM

I will not buy from “Government Motors”, especially with this administration seizing 90% of private investors shares. Looks like Fords or Toyotas for me.

Consanescerion on May 6, 2009 at 10:38 AM

Funny… and rather prescient I’m afraid.

Passed on May 6, 2009 at 12:27 PM