Kerry: I can control the wind and the waves and Iran’s terrorists
posted at 10:05 am on July 24, 2006 by Bryan
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Mr. Magic Hat, Christmas-in-Cambodia says that if he were president, well, things would be different. And better. And stuff.
“If I was president, this wouldn’t have happened,” said Kerry during a noon stop at Honest John’s bar and grill in Detroit’s Cass Corridor.
The “this” being Hezbollah attacking Israel, kidnapping two soldiers and starting off a rocket barrage against Israeli civilians, after Hamas had touched off a similar war to Israel’s south. Which begs the question, does John Kerry think that he controls Hezbollah and Hamas? Or does he think his dulcet tones are so persuasive that they can soothe the savage jihadi?
Because otherwise, the man just makes no sense at all.
He’s arrogant enough to make the mistake that nearly all Democrats and too many Republicans make these days. That mistake is to assume that the US operates in some kind of vacuum chamber where only its actions and agendas affect outcomes. If we just did this, it would fix that, and if we just did this one thing, it would fix all these other things, because in the end we’re the only ones that can have any effect on the outcome of any given struggle. The fact is, Iran has its own agenda and so do the Syrians and therefore so do their puppets in Hezbollah, and all of these actors are going to act and react based on what we do and their own agendas and schemes independently of anything we do. And sometimes–sometimes–they’re going to make mistakes and over-reach and we or our allies can seize on those mistakes and take advantage. Israel is taking advantage of just such an over-reach right now. And regardless of whether we speed up shipments of bunker busters or not, the Israelis are going to keep pounding Hezbollah strongholds until they’re satisfied that they have degraded the threat to their cities and citizens.
The US is powerful, no doubt, and the US president regardless of the current domestic polls is the world’s most powerful official because we’re the richest country and we swing the biggest military stick–but that doesn’t mean he can just order, persuade, cajole or threaten enemy states like Iran into doing his bidding. They won’t. They have their own agenda, it’s counter to ours most of the time, and it’s arrogant to assume you can just do this or that and fix the problems we have with them. Negotiations are of limited utility with civilized states; with the mullahs, negotiating is often taken for weakness. That’s a lesson the John Kerrys of the world will never learn, so it’s best just to keep them as far away from presidential power as possible.
One other thing: If John Kerry were president, John Bolton wouldn’t represent the US at the UN. Think about that.
Update: Bush sends Kerry to the rescue!
Update: Kerry runs for Jehovah in ‘08!
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If Kerry were president this would not have happened because they would be openly bombing our cities.Arm-chair quarterbacking at its worst.
bbz123 on July 24, 2006 at 10:08 AM
Yea. We all know that the middle east was a haven for peace and prosperity up until November of 2000. sarcasm off/
And I’d have to ask Mr. Kerry just WHAT KIND of diplomacy he’d suggest - negotiating with terrorists? typical of him - all talk and offering NO real solutions. Negotiations, my ass…
pullingmyhairout on July 24, 2006 at 10:21 AM
Hogwash!
I’ll bet old Kerry could even have conjured himself up four or five more Silver Stars. This guy was and is a blowhard, self-absorbed phony.
rplat on July 24, 2006 at 10:25 AM
Is Kerry really this dense?
This ‘criticise but offer no alternative’ is the formula that blew his chances last time. Has he learned nothing?
All hat. No cattle.
heldmyw on July 24, 2006 at 10:25 AM
Pulling; I think we need to send Mr. Kerry to negotiate with Hezbollah and make sure he meets with all the top Hezbollah leadership. Of course, we’ll have to know when and where, then let the Israelis know. We can express outrage later, if anything untoward were to happen.
Mike O on July 24, 2006 at 10:28 AM
Kerry tries to portray himself as this powerful figure but we all know that after struggling mightily, he has to hand the new bottle of Heinz ketchup to his wife to open it. What a shame that smug piece of crap didn’t get elected President.
pistolero on July 24, 2006 at 10:29 AM
It’s funny to watch these Democrat blowhards. While Kerry huffs and puffs and portrays himself as this powerful Adonis, we all know that he struggles mightily to open a new bottle of Heinz ketchup only to sheepishly hand it to Teresa for her to open.
pistolero on July 24, 2006 at 10:33 AM
And while they’re at it, they can burn incense, light a toke, and sing “come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love one another right now.”
Yea, that would work.
pullingmyhairout on July 24, 2006 at 10:39 AM
Kerry would have sent social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, and life coaches to Lebanon and Israel, thus nullifying the problem peacefully and effectively.
JamesVersusEveryone on July 24, 2006 at 10:42 AM
He and AlGore have spent too much time in the sun
dallas94 on July 24, 2006 at 10:42 AM
That’s a helluva scary thought to start out the week.
Thank God you’re NOT, dickhead.
speed647 on July 24, 2006 at 10:52 AM
Will this feckless fool ever shutup?
student on July 24, 2006 at 10:52 AM
The guy has not a single humble bone in his body.
Arrogance incarnate.
What a buffon!!!
batperez on July 24, 2006 at 10:54 AM
The man couldn’t persuade a majority of Americans to vote for him and yet still believes that he alone could lay rest to the thousands of years of Middle East tribulations. The fact that he would say this openly just makes me giggle.
frreal on July 24, 2006 at 11:03 AM
John Kerry can also control the trajectories of the trillions of neutrinos that enter our atmosphere each second.
pjcomix on July 24, 2006 at 11:19 AM
http://www.rightstuff.0catch.com/
NRA4Freedom on July 24, 2006 at 11:25 AM
Its the ol’ rule of ‘53′ (or something like that). See , Kerry knows that just ONE MORE TRIP to Syria would’ve done it, Peace at last. Just one more, to add on to the 52 that the Clinton admin took to visit our ‘buddies’ in Syria and Iran.
Someone else correct me on the real numbers, but this is close.
Thats how he knows “it” wouldnt have happened…just one more visit….Soooooo Simple fella’s.
Kerry has two minds. One is lost, and the other is OUT looking for it.
shooter on July 24, 2006 at 11:30 AM
“if the democrats and I were in office”
they were for eight years, this is partially from what they did. So shaddup
Defector01 on July 24, 2006 at 11:58 AM
Bryan, thank you so much for featuring this thread and for reminding us of the complexity of global negotiations. Very complicated web.
This haughty lord Kerry will never get it. What a pretender! His preening over absolute hot air is beyond comprehension. I can’t believe that Mrs. Heinz hasn’t thrown him out yet. The transformers here in California haven’t been able to handle the extreme heat (and its power demands). I can’t believe something doesn’t set the ‘gases’ he emanates on fire and makes him go ‘puff’ and away. We need a rest from such buffoonery. He offers absolutely no solutions - so typical of his entire party.
What will he do in 2008, if the Democrats are foolish enough to have him at their convention “Hi, this is John Kerry and I’m NOT reporting for duty. I actually only earned one of my bronze stars but most of you are chicken hawks. This is my wife Theresa Heinz - after I lost last time, she dropped the just-adopted Kerry name and this time she refused to adopt it again. She is not a woman to make the same mistake twice. Here is my new plan for America. I wanted to be for high spending, amnesty and negotiations with the EU and U.N. but W beat me to it. If you give me a chance this time, I will solve all the problems of the world: the Middle East will be henceforth declared a peace-zone (waiving a wand), Al Gore will be named Secretary of Global Cooling (waiving wand again), Cynthia McKinney will be named Secretary of Homeland Security, Congressman Jefferson of Louisiana will be named Attorney General, Barbra Streisand will be named Secretary of State and Howard Dean will be named Ambassador to the U.N. (waving wand 3 times).
pistolero, you are very simpatico and have amused me ever since I discovered this site. You made me go searching for Adonis, who among other things exemplifies the dying of vegetation. The Syrians love him. This link is what Mr. Kerry presents himself as to Mrs. Kerry, when she abruptly dismisses him. That’s when he goes and holds nonsensical speeches of self-aggrandizement.
http://homepage.mac.com/cparada/GML/Adonis.html
Entelechy on July 24, 2006 at 12:15 PM
Slashdot has a link today to a website that has free software you can download that lets you create visual novels. (Much like the Japanese “dating simulations”, where you have to make a series of choices and hope you get the girl instead of seeing the words “Bad End”).
It just occured to me that “If John Kerry were President” would make a hilarious visual novel. You could play the role of the valiant and honorable former Swift Boat officer as he chooses what to do in the face of various situations: immigration debate, Iran, selecting his cabinet, SCOTUS openings… oh what fun!
Uh oh! Looks like Iran is attacking Israel through its proxy, Hezbollah. What do you do?”
1. Say “I’m reporting for duty, and I have a plan!”
2. Send Jimmy Carter.
3. Blame Bush’s first term.
4. Roll out the prayer rug and face Mecca.
(The correct answer is he’ll do 1-4 all in order)
Dave Shay on July 24, 2006 at 12:19 PM
Dave,
You forgot kiss Hezbullah’s azz
Defector01 on July 24, 2006 at 1:06 PM
Oh Heavens no! They would surely find that offensive and the street protests would never end. We’re not even allowed to draw cartoons of John Kerry kissing HisMullah’s azz.
I did forget to add an option #5: Relocate the US capitol to Dearborn, Michigan.
Hmmm…. I need to work on this some more. :(
Dave Shay on July 24, 2006 at 1:13 PM
If arrogance and conceit could win wars, Kerry would definitely be your man, unless it’s Gore, Kennedy, Clinton…
docdave on July 24, 2006 at 1:16 PM
its a bird….its a plane…..no IT IS A BIRD…John Kerry
robo on July 24, 2006 at 1:16 PM
Wow, this reminds me of Kerry’s plan to prevent hurricanes from damaging the US.
In case you forgot, view photos here.
NTWR on July 24, 2006 at 1:57 PM
That phrase: “If I was President” kept going through my mind. I kept hearing a song:
“If I were President,
If I were President,
I’d blah blah blah…”
Then I remembered. In an old Popyeye cartoon Olive Oyl sings “If I were President”. It was a classic. I wonder of this all came out of Kerry’s childhood? He is certainly more Olive Oyl than Popeye or Bluto.
entagor on July 24, 2006 at 2:00 PM
If’n only I wuz President,
I’d be a model UN resident,
Basking in Kofi’s firmament,
Not setting any precedent,
In matters of war reticent,
Taking any path convenient.
- Unknown Poet (WBTWSIVN*)
* Who, by the way, served in Viet Nam.
pistolero on July 24, 2006 at 2:09 PM
pistolero, thank you - and thanks for being so good spirited after all that.
Adapted in honor of Mr. Kerry, from the ‘female’ version of “If I were president”:
If I were president, if I were president,
There’d be at least on big buffoon
For folks to spend with in June
And night winds would all have the sweetest scent.
If I were president.
If I were president, if I were president,
Thought-erasers in every house would grow
And they would all be on the go
(In case there were a flip-flop accident).
If I were president.
There’d be anti-germ agents like you’ve never seen.
And streets would all be freaky clean!
If I were president, if I were president,
I’d have a cure that would work right,
For those who couldn’t think at night.
The time they spent confused would be well-spent.
If I were president. If I were president.
If I were president, if I were president,
The dogs whose habits all were strange
Would undergo a brand new change.
An all-day neutering would cost a cent.
If I were president.
If I were president, if I were president,
Each bus wouldn’t have to run,
With lots of ‘gas’ for everyone.
Apartments once again would be for rent.
If I were president.
There would be no wrangling anymore,
For coconuts in Washington that fell short before.
If I were president, if I were president,
I’d pick up feminine morale,
And get a man for every gal, PC to go to Hall
More holidays would get my strong consent.
If I were president.
[Congress]
He’s a jolly good female,
He’s a jolly good female,
He’s a jolly good female.
We love our president.
Entelechy on July 24, 2006 at 2:28 PM
John Kerry is ignorance, arrogance and egomania incarnate. When I put together my pictographic dictionary of the English Language, his Frankensteinian mug will appear under all three of those terms.
Bryan brings up an excellent point with the following:
“That mistake is to assume that the US operates in some kind of vacuum chamber where only its actions and agendas affect outcomes. If we just did this, it would fix that, and if we just did this one thing, it would fix all these other things, because in the end we’re the only ones that can have any effect on the outcome of any given struggle.”
The term for this is, “Arrogant Ethnocentrism.” That is, the proposition that only the U.S. and Israel are capable of “acting;” everybody else in the world can only “react” to whatever we do, because like plants or infants they’re somehow incapable of forming or acting upon their own agendas. See also its close cousin in donkey party domestic politics, “Condescending Racism.”
No matter how dicey things may seem in the world these days, we can always have two concrete things to be grateful for:
(1) That Al Gore wasn’t President on 9/11; and
(2) That John Kerry isn’t President today.
Consider those prospects, and repress a shudder.
Spurius Ligustinus on July 24, 2006 at 3:05 PM
sKerry as President:”I actually voted for the Israelis before I voted aqainst them.”
MaiDee on July 24, 2006 at 3:06 PM
Spurius Ligustinus,
How well summed up. Yes, indeed we are. On 9/11/01 many Democrats I know actually fell on their knees and thanked God, believe it or not, that Al Gore wasn’t President.
How sad that they have now forgotten and generally act as if it never happened or that it was just a crime.
With all his ‘warts’, I’ll still take our President any day.
Entelechy on July 24, 2006 at 3:33 PM
never a better reason for “term limits”….Kerry, Kennedy, Byrd, Specter, etc., etc
gary on July 24, 2006 at 6:04 PM
I will always add my yes vote whenever anyone mentions term limits. Imaginary President Kerry could get right on that ending terrorism thing after tossing Ahmadenejad over the side of the Grand Canyon. Remember that butch bravado from a few months ago?
Actually, I know how he would end terrorism. Eastablish a world court, redefine the terrorists as criminals, voila! Terrorism no longer needs a military response as it is now a police matter. A Blue helmeted, Mad Hatter U.N. police matter.
Would anyone like to guess how Kerry would solve illegal immigration?
Doug on July 25, 2006 at 1:23 AM
If only Bush would send Kerry, we might see this headline in the tabloids “BUSH, A MODERN SAMSON, SENDS AN ASS WITH A LARGE JAWBONE TO SMITE THE PHILISTINES”.
right ascension on July 25, 2006 at 6:53 AM
What is so scary, is there are still loads of people that would vote for him. They will also vote for Hillary, cause they would love to see Bill back in the WH as “co president”.
msflea on July 25, 2006 at 8:52 AM
Did he play “Jonathan” in “Arsenic and Old Lace”?
lizzee on July 25, 2006 at 9:18 AM
Pompous asswipe.
doingwhatican on July 25, 2006 at 1:37 PM
Senator kerry should be sent to Southern Lebanon with a white flag and his reproduced medals (he threw his real ones at the white house, remember?) and remind Hezballah that he is on their side, if they (hezballah) will just lie low until ‘08, everything will be okay. And Superman will get out of his coffin and walk again.
gary on July 25, 2006 at 5:46 PM
Related Post:
John Kerry Briefly Re-Analyzed (Sorry)
Excerpt:
To me, John Kerry always seems somehow like a scrawny high school debater dressed up his first oversized suit. He’s impressed with himself and his suit, and he’s clean and well scrubbed, but from the perspective of an adult observer he’s still a kid in his first suit.
The impression is not based on John Kerry’s age, of course. It’s based on his opinons. They’re cobbled together from bits and pieces of learning, but lacking in depth, breadth, or firm foundations. They’re shallow, like plants unlucky enough to take root in a thin half inch of soil on top of solid rock.
Ask Kerry about how important faith is in his policy decisions during a presidential debate, for example, and instead of straightforwardly answering the question about applying his own faith to life choices, he’ll wander from one religion to next, proclaiming himself a former Catholic altar boy but then mentioning the Torah, the Koran, and some Native American blessing he received the other day. It’s shallow and uncommitted, and obviously so.
Read more . . .
Gina Cobb on July 25, 2006 at 7:17 PM