Open Thread: The obligatory Animals Pick Super Bowl Winner post

posted at 1:01 pm on February 1, 2014 by Jazz Shaw

I hope at least some of you are getting the chance to relax and enjoy yourselves in the run-up to the Big Game. And in the interest of sampling which stories you’re watching this weekend, we might as well have an open thread while we finalize our tailgating plans. We’ll have the official predictions tomorrow, but if you want to put some last minute money down to fatten your wallet, do what I’m planning… pick whoever Ed didn’t take.

But in the meantime, in case your bookie wants you to post your wagers earlier, we’ll check in on what some of the experts are saying. An ape (specifically an orangutan) in Utah has a pretty good track record on picking winners and he’s already weighed in.

Eli, an ape at the Hogle Zoo in Salt Lake City, has correctly predicted the winner of the past six Super Bowls. He hasn’t been wrong since 2006 – if I were you, I wouldn’t bet against him.

His process is a simple one: he runs into a cage with two paper-machete helmets representing the two teams facing off in the big game. Whichever helmet he smashes first is his predicted winner. This year he went straight for the Seahawks helmet, “without any hesitation.” Tough break for the Denver Broncos, especially from an ape with the same name as Peyton Manning’s brother.

You don’t want to put all your eggs in one basket, particularly when a monkey is holding it, so we should probably get some other opinions. The two psychic manatees in Florida aren’t going to be any help, since they each chose a different team.

But going solidly with the Broncos, we have the Puppy Bowl puppies, a black rhino in Iowa, a raccoon in Nebraska and two komodo dragons. Just to show that there is no definite consensus here, in addition to the ape the Seahawks have gotten the nod from a psychic rabbit, a pot bellied pig and a porcupine.

Sadly, Paul the Octopus was unavailable for comment, having already gone to the great calamari buffet in the sky. (But he usually just picked soccer games anyway, so it’s probably not that much of a loss.)

If that helps you in any weekend gambling choices, you should probably stay away from the sports betting tables. Meanwhile, let me know what non-football breaking news you’re interested in.


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Planet of the Apes

Schadenfreude on February 1, 2014 at 1:03 PM

Welcome to Hot Gas, where “it’s only weird if it doesn’t work” is the order of the day.

nobar on February 1, 2014 at 1:04 PM

My 2 cats both indicate a Denver win.

gerrym51 on February 1, 2014 at 1:05 PM

I’m picking Seattle because Eli is giving advice to Peyton. That can’t be good news.

lorien1973 on February 1, 2014 at 1:09 PM

Big deal, the pigeons pooping on my Lions flag when they were 6-3 clearly knew what would happen to them.

Flange on February 1, 2014 at 1:12 PM

Yay, bread and circuses!

Punchenko on February 1, 2014 at 1:21 PM

I prefer watching members of congress smear their feces around on the floor.

aryeung on February 1, 2014 at 1:23 PM

two paper-machete helmets

Paper machete? What good is that?

steebo77 on February 1, 2014 at 1:24 PM

Yay, bread and circuses!

Punchenko on February 1, 2014 at 1:21 PM

Calling the NFL/Super Bowl “bread and circuses” and anyone who watches them dupes is just the snobby right-wing version of the emerging left-wing meme that football is dangerous and evil.

thebrokenrattle on February 1, 2014 at 1:37 PM

Predicting the4 winning team is all very well but unless the ape can pick the final score, he’s useless to the “over/under” crowd.

MaiDee on February 1, 2014 at 1:40 PM

Seahawks!!!!!

cat_owner on February 1, 2014 at 1:44 PM

I’m picking Seattle 28, Denver 24. Whenever the best offense goes against the best defense, the defense wins about 80% of the time.

TarheelBen on February 1, 2014 at 1:58 PM

The Environmentalist Wacko Pick.

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT

RUSH: Environmentalist wacko pick. In the early days of the program, I picked football games on Fridays, and a lot of people listening didn’t care. They didn’t like football, some women and some guys. “Come on, stick to the issues!” So I devised a way to combine politics with the football picks and came up with the environmentalist wacko method. What it does, basically, is take each contest, take the teams involved, and determine who should win.

more at link…

Murphy9 on February 1, 2014 at 2:07 PM

I love tolerate being from the Chicago area. We rarely have to worry about who’s going to win these sporting things, what are they called? Oh yeah, championships.

(Disclaimer: our hawkey’s pretty good.)

Fallon on February 1, 2014 at 2:11 PM

Then it is official. Go Hawks!

JamesB on February 1, 2014 at 2:12 PM

(Disclaimer: our hawkey’s pretty good.)

Fallon on February 1, 2014 at 2:11 PM

That’s only because you stole Scotty Bowman from the Wings.

Flange on February 1, 2014 at 2:13 PM

It’s a real thrill having you here every weekend, Jazz. Ranks right up there with watching paint dry or a trimming toe nails.

bw222 on February 1, 2014 at 2:13 PM

I’m picking Seattle because Eli is giving advice to Peyton. That can’t be good news.

lorien1973 on February 1, 2014 at 1:09 PM

Tru dat.

My prediction, or more accurately my betta fish, has swam to the Seattle side of his tank. So let it be written, so let it be done.

JetBoy on February 1, 2014 at 2:18 PM

It’s a real thrill having you here every weekend, Jazz. Ranks right up there with watching paint dry or a trimming toe nails.

bw222 on February 1, 2014 at 2:13 PM

?

BallisticBob on February 1, 2014 at 2:18 PM

That’s only because you stole Scotty Bowman from the Wings.

Flange on February 1, 2014 at 2:13 PM

We didn’t steal nothin’. He fell off a truck.

Fallon on February 1, 2014 at 2:19 PM

We didn’t steal nothin’. He fell off a truck.

Fallon on February 1, 2014 at 2:19 PM

Well, it wouldn’t be the first time. Thank God that steel plate in his head acts like a helmet.
“You hated him for 364 days a year. And on the 365th day you collected your Stanley Cup rings. ” – Ex-Montreal Canadien Steve Shutt, who won five Cups under Bowman

Flange on February 1, 2014 at 2:25 PM

Meanwhile, let me know what non-football breaking news you’re interested in.

Do you have an HA e-mail? Post here.

Schadenfreude on February 1, 2014 at 3:09 PM

an ape at the Hogle Zoo

DOG WHISTLE RACISM!!!1!!11!

Kenosha Kid on February 1, 2014 at 3:17 PM

Re: the Puppy Bowl link? If I had a daughter, I wouldn’t let her go near either of those idiots hosting that video. Brrr. They made my skin crawl.

Go Seahawks.

theotherone on February 1, 2014 at 3:28 PM

That ape knows his stuff.

My awesome wife surprised me with a Superbowl version of the Russel Wilson jersey she got from the Hawk’s store in Seattle yesterday. Lot of people around here wearing stuff like that even where I live; across the water from Seattle.

GO HAWKS!

WitchDoctor on February 1, 2014 at 4:02 PM

Religion

Schadenfreude on February 1, 2014 at 4:16 PM

The obligatory Animals Pick Super Bowl Winner post

…so… who did JugEars pick?
.
.
.
(that should bring out the trolls!)

KOOLAID2 on February 1, 2014 at 4:26 PM

Here’s the final word on the Super Bowl winners. Forget apes, pundits and dancing polar bears. There’s a pizzeria on West 47th.Street in Manhattan whose pizzas display the images of the winning Super Bowl Quarterback every Saturday before Super Sunday since the first one. I know this takes perceptive intuition and a vivid imagination (you must also not be distracted by images of Christ, The Virgin Mary and Elvis) and THERE IT IS–the image of PEYTON MANNING and on the lower right hand side-looks a lot like 27-17.

MaiDee on February 1, 2014 at 4:34 PM

Couldn’t happen to a nicer scumhag and witch.

Schadenfreude on February 1, 2014 at 5:07 PM

Just got back from WinCo market in Portland, where I noticed that none of the Seattle fanimals were picking Skittles. There were full boxes at every checkout lane end-cap.

Christien on February 1, 2014 at 6:10 PM

And here’s your thread winner, sports fans:

Since when does Eli make only one pick?

Christien on February 1, 2014 at 6:14 PM

KOOLAID2 on February 1, 2014 at 4:26 PM

If he does make a pick I will bet every dollar I have on the opposite.

tbear44 on February 1, 2014 at 7:52 PM

Fly by hmmm? GO HAWKS!!

dont taze me bro on February 1, 2014 at 9:10 PM

I am laughing at this article. We don’t watch TV – pulled the plug in 2006 and our sanity has improved.

Having said that, we were out east visiting relatives. We watched both championship games and I was totally convinced Denver would clean Seattle’s clock only to discover, that those who have been watching football all season were predicting Seattle would win.

So, do I take my $$$ and bet on Denver and get a big win or just watch the game????

MN J on February 2, 2014 at 12:01 AM

Welcome to Hot Gas, where “it’s only weird if it doesn’t work” is the order of the day.

nobar on February 1, 2014 at 1:04 PM

The joke is on you; the ape was right yet again. :)

Theophile on February 3, 2014 at 1:45 AM