A brief word on James Bond and martinis

posted at 6:31 pm on December 15, 2013 by Jazz Shaw

Finishing up the weekend, the fun crushing nanny state has come up with a new target. James Bond. And why? Because he drinks too much.

James Bond’s love of martinis would have left him both shaken and stirred as he consumed four times the weekly recommended alcohol limit, doctors have said.

Despite his dangerous exploits, the famous spy was more at risk of dying from liver disease or drink driving than a bullet, according to a study in the British Medical Journal.

His high cocktail consumption may have even induced an alcohol-related tremor in his hands preventing him from stirring his drinks and explaining his preference for a shaken martini, the researchers said.

Possibly the best response to this was generated by Tim Stanley.

Their argument is that a) he’d be impotent and b) he wouldn’t be able to shoot straight. So less a case of Goldeneye than Blurred Vision.

On the issue of impotence, it’s certainly true that the image of a fat, sweaty, balding Bond weaving his way through a casino up to a sexy Russian and whispering “How about it, love?” in her ear is far from attractive. Call it The Spy Who Inadequately Loved Me. But these frigid science types are obviously unfamiliar with the general rule that the more drink you consume the more fun sex is. Or, put it another way, the less you remember of the horror the night before. As Bond wakes up and reaches for his first Rothman of the morning, that sweet blindspot he has about what happened in the car park the night before will keep him convinced that he’s still “got it”.

And on the subject of not being able to shoot straight, the authors of this report clearly have never watched one of the Bond movies. Maybe he can’t shoot straight, but neither can the bad guys. They’ve made about 104 films and no one’s hit him yet.

Just a few thoughts on this.

1. I don’t care.
2. The shaken vs. stirred debate was settled years ago. Bond was right. They need to be shaken.
3. A “very dry” martini is still a martini by definition. But if you just wave the bottle of vermouth at it, you may as well have a shot of gin.
4. A classic martini has some actual vermouth in it… usually at a 5 to 1 ratio.
5. The “dirty martini” is technically still a martini. The ingredients for a true martini are gin, vermouth and olives. Olives have olive juice on them. How much you put in is your business, but you’re still in the martini club.
6. If your “martini” is made with vodka, it is not a martini.
7. If you are putting fruit of any sort, juice, or anything other than the three items listed in number 5 above in your drink, you are not drinking a martini.
8. If you’re the people spending your time complaining about how much James Bond drank or what a bad role model James Bond is, I’m betting James Bond would kick your *** for you in a New York minute.

You may now return to your football games. Hope you had a great weekend.


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Always have it shaken and I always have vodka. I’m still gonna call it a martini…

sandee on December 15, 2013 at 6:48 PM

Fascinating about the use of the Martini in the Bond legend, given that writer Ian Fleming wrote the series while living in Jamaica, where the national drink is rum.

Del Dolemonte on December 15, 2013 at 6:49 PM

8. If you’re the people spending your time complaining about how much James Bond drank or what a bad role model James Bond is, I’m betting James Bond would kick your *** for you in a New York minute.

Wow. Diggin’ this Jazz. :)

And damn straight.

Axe on December 15, 2013 at 6:50 PM

I don’t recall ever seeing James Bond drunk. Class will tell and moderation is the key.

Kevin R on December 15, 2013 at 6:51 PM

These guys have a point. I’m being to suspect that James Bond might not be real.

Flange on December 15, 2013 at 6:54 PM

I understand the rules, still I really don’t like gin, even Bombay Sapphire, so I’m a VODKA “Martini” myself…using the 10:1 Noilly Prat mixture…and as far as all the PC MD scolds go…as another Movie Character once said, “Lighten Up Francis”…Geeeez he’s a movie character.

JFKY on December 15, 2013 at 6:56 PM

Agent 86, Maxwell Spark prefers them shaken and stirred.

Axewell Snark prefers Zima.

SparkPlug on December 15, 2013 at 6:56 PM

The left has become twisted, totalitarian and subversive… politicizing the smallest details of everyday life, deconstructing our values and culture at every opportunity. And poking fingers in our eyes in the process. I’m so sick of it I don’t even associate with them any longer, with only two lib friends left.

petefrt on December 15, 2013 at 6:57 PM

These guys have a point. I’m being to suspect that James Bond might not be real.

Flange on December 15, 2013 at 6:54 PM

I just don’t understand how he can’t gt promoted after all these years…isn’t he still a “Commander?”

JFKY on December 15, 2013 at 6:57 PM

#9 If you can’t read newspaper headlines through it, it’s not a martini. (aka a ‘see through’)

NeoDawg on December 15, 2013 at 6:58 PM

Finishing up the weekend, the fun crushing nanny state has come up with a new target. James Bond. And why? Because he drinks too much.
============================================================

Speaking of booze,….”Clinky”, ..to Peter O’Toole!!

Peter O’Toole dies

http://www.breakingnews.com/topic/peter-otoole-dies/
====================================================

entertainment
5h
Veteran actor Peter O’Toole, star of Lawrence of Arabia, dies at age 81 – @guardian
read more on theguardian.com

canopfor on December 15, 2013 at 6:58 PM

Odds are he won’t live to see tomorrow, so why should he care?

Socratease on December 15, 2013 at 7:01 PM

Did anyone think to tell these experts that James Bond is a fictional character?

JetBoy on December 15, 2013 at 7:04 PM

I just don’t understand how he can’t gt promoted after all these years…isn’t he still a “Commander?”

JFKY on December 15, 2013 at 6:57 PM

Because he’s white. If he was a penguin he would’ve been promoted.

Flange on December 15, 2013 at 7:06 PM

Aren’t these ‘Bond drinks too much’ people the same ones who say that movies don’t influence real world behavior in any way?

Knott Buyinit on December 15, 2013 at 7:06 PM

Agent 86, Maxwell Spark prefers them shaken and stirred.

Axewell Snark prefers Zima.

SparkPlug on December 15, 2013 at 6:56 PM

Agent 13 could not be reached for comment.

Del Dolemonte on December 15, 2013 at 7:07 PM

A tremor eh!!

Astonishingly considering his prowess with the gun, it is claimed that his fondness for a vodka martini ‘shaken not stirred’

may have been the result of his hands shaking from alcohol-induced tremor.

PUBLISHED: 00:58 GMT, 13 December 2013
UPDATED: 01:09 GMT, 13 December 2013
*************************************

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2522939/Licensed-booze–007-alcoholic-Bonds-drinking-habits-means-likely-die-liver-disease-line-fire.html

canopfor on December 15, 2013 at 7:07 PM

Because he’s white. If he was a penguin he would’ve been promoted.

Flange on December 15, 2013 at 7:06 PM

A “Penguin” why would a nun get a promotion before him?

And let me be an iconoclast…I like Daniel Craig BETTER than Sean Connery…

JFKY on December 15, 2013 at 7:09 PM

Oh, yeah? Well if his name were James Kennedy or he was a Democrat we wouldn’t be having this discussion, would we?

ghostwalker1 on December 15, 2013 at 7:13 PM

And let me be an iconoclast…I like Daniel Craig BETTER than Sean Connery…

JFKY on December 15, 2013 at 7:09 PM

Agreed.

ghostwalker1 on December 15, 2013 at 7:15 PM

1. I don’t care.
================

Agreed, neither do I!

Hmmm,…….

Bond Drinking …….BAD

ManMen Drinking ………….Good!!

canopfor on December 15, 2013 at 7:15 PM

Is he or was he ever part of a choom gang. If not I’m not too concerned

jaywemm on December 15, 2013 at 7:15 PM

you do realize, shaken not stirred is asking for a weak martini, not the converse?

How to you champion a weak martini drinker?

smitty41 on December 15, 2013 at 7:16 PM

Agreed, neither do I!

Hmmm,…….

Bond Drinking …….BAD

ManMen Drinking ………….Good!!

canopfor on December 15, 2013 at 7:15 PM

I got cirrhosis and lung cancer from my Mad Men marathon.

Murphy9 on December 15, 2013 at 7:17 PM

On the issue of impotence, it’s certainly true that the image of a fat, sweaty, balding Bond weaving his way through a casino up to a sexy Russian and whispering “How about it, love?” in her ear is far from attractive. Call it The Spy Who Inadequately Loved Me. But these frigid science types are obviously unfamiliar with the general rule that the more drink you consume the more fun sex is. Or, put it another way, the less you remember of the horror the night before. As Bond wakes up and reaches for his first Rothman of the morning, that sweet blindspot he has about what happened in the car park the night before will keep him convinced that he’s still “got it”.

What does chooming do to your winkie? Someone ask Reggie Love!

AllahsNippleHair on December 15, 2013 at 7:20 PM

Truth bomb, level thermonuclear. Numbers 1 &6

dentalque on December 15, 2013 at 7:21 PM

Olives? If I wanted a salad I would have ordered a salad!

A martini has a twist of lemon peel.

Scribbler on December 15, 2013 at 7:22 PM

A “Penguin” why would a nun get a promotion before him?

JFKY on December 15, 2013 at 7:09 PM

I figure if being a penguin is good enough for Santa, it’s got help Bond as well. Plus, they’re already dressed for the role.

Flange on December 15, 2013 at 7:23 PM

4 parts Bombay Sapphire
1 part Cinzano Dry Vermouth
2 or 3 drops dirty
1 Olive, no sword
Stirred rather than shaken to preserve transparency

… and keep the twelve-year-olds drinking frat juice in martini glasses the hell away from me.

M240H on December 15, 2013 at 7:24 PM

canopfor on December 15, 2013 at 7:15 PM

I got cirrhosis and lung cancer from my Mad Men marathon.

Murphy9 on December 15, 2013 at 7:17 PM

Murphy9:Lol:0

canopfor on December 15, 2013 at 7:28 PM

Sparkplug

…and don’t call me Chief!

teacherman on December 15, 2013 at 7:28 PM

Del Dolemonte

Starker!! This is KAOS! We do not pfffft here!

teacherman on December 15, 2013 at 7:30 PM

Please, this article had no nanny state angle. It was merely, and in a lighthearted way, observing that the character of James Bond, if he was a real person, couldn’t possibly pull off his feats, if for no better reason than the sheer amount of alcohol he consumes would make it impossible.

Where is the preaching angle? This is like a mythbusters episode.

Is it possible for a human being to perform amazing stunts while having THIS amount of alcohol in your system? Stay tuned to find out!

keep the change on December 15, 2013 at 7:30 PM

Try this the third time!

JAMES BOND 007 casino and martini montage with a plane crash or two.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eg2jyLhJ6QI

canopfor on December 15, 2013 at 7:32 PM

Always have it shaken and I always have vodka. I’m still gonna call it a martini…

sandee on December 15, 2013 at 6:48 PM

Always have it shaken and I always have Bombay Sapphire. I’m gonna call it a martini, too.

Cheers!

*clink*

Care for a cigar?

4 parts Bombay Sapphire
1 part Cinzano Dry Vermouth
2 or 3 drops dirty
1 Olive, no sword
Stirred rather than shaken to preserve transparency

… and keep the twelve-year-olds drinking frat juice in martini glasses the hell away from me.

M240H on December 15, 2013 at 7:24 PM

Mine is Bombay Sapphire, just a drop of Cinzano to make it official, nothing dirty, 3 olives that I give to a cute young woman nearby, and I shake just because. Teh transparency returns quickly enough.

*clink*

turfmann on December 15, 2013 at 7:34 PM

A word from Mr. Lincoln

I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals.
Statement attributed to Abraham Lincoln in response to complaints about Grant’s drinking habits (November 1863); as quoted in Wit and Wisdom of the American

tmitsss on December 15, 2013 at 7:35 PM

Agent 86, Maxwell Spark prefers them shaken and stirred.

Axewell Snark prefers Zima.

SparkPlug on December 15, 2013 at 6:56 PM

I’m left shaken with delight by your stirring comment, Spark. :)

thatsafactjack on December 15, 2013 at 7:37 PM

4 parts Bombay Sapphire
1 part Cinzano Dry Vermouth
2 or 3 drops dirty
1 Olive, no sword
Stirred rather than shaken to preserve transparency

… and keep the twelve-year-olds drinking frat juice in martini glasses the hell away from me.

M240H on December 15, 2013 at 7:24 PM

Meh…give me a good highland single malt scotch, neat.

JetBoy on December 15, 2013 at 7:39 PM

Look, the British Medical Journal was bored and wanted something a little more flashy to do.

Dongemaharu on December 15, 2013 at 7:39 PM

I could drink JB under the table and still bang a bevy of hot chicks while outshooting him.

Bond, I challenge you!

Bwahahaha

And now, back to my evil lair … Hot Air.

WhatSlushfund on December 15, 2013 at 7:42 PM

Meh…give me a good highland single malt scotch, neat.

JetBoy on December 15, 2013 at 7:39 PM

It’s not either/or; it’s both/AND…

And try a good Rye Whisky in case you haven’t…they are heaven.

JFKY on December 15, 2013 at 7:43 PM

RIP Peter Seamus O’Toole (1932-2013)

Go n-eírí an bóthar leat.

Godspeed.

“”My professional acting life, stage and screen, has brought me public support, emotional fulfillment and material comfort. It has brought me together with fine people, good companions with whom I’ve shared the inevitable lot of all actors: flops and hits.” – Peter O’Toole

workingclass artist on December 15, 2013 at 7:44 PM

James Bond’s love of martinis would have left him both shaken and stirred as he consumed four times the weekly recommended alcohol limit, doctors have said.

Funny I don’t recall an operative named “MD” lecuturing Bond on his alcohol intake. It is part of the persona. If you are apt to be killed by sharks with laser beams, then you don’t care about the long-term effects on your liver.

Happy Nomad on December 15, 2013 at 7:44 PM

And let me be an iconoclast…I like Daniel Craig BETTER than Sean Connery…

JFKY on December 15, 2013 at 7:09 PM

You can’t compare the two. Connery was Bond back when men were expected to be men. Craig carries a man bag and flirts with the villan.

Happy Nomad on December 15, 2013 at 7:49 PM

Agent 86, Maxwell Spark prefers them shaken and stirred.

Axewell Snark prefers Zima.

SparkPlug on December 15, 2013 at 6:56 PM

Keep your martini. Just give me Agent 99.

Kafir on December 15, 2013 at 7:50 PM

Care for a cigar?

Are we talking aobut Bond or Pink Floyd, and BTW, which one’s “Pink?”

JFKY on December 15, 2013 at 7:51 PM

James Bond is a fantasy creation, it is no more realistic to speculate about his health than it is to scientifically analyze undead zombies, Hobbits evolution, or discuss the mating of a Vulcan and a human to produce a Mr. Spock.

The most fantastic thing in James Bond is not his invisible car, it’s his ability to bed so many women without catching a disease, drink so much without getting a gut, gamble so much taxpayer money without getting an appointment to czar in the Obama administration.

Johnny 100 Pesos on December 15, 2013 at 7:52 PM

Nanny state? It’s an article pointing out some inconsistencies with a well known fictional character Jazz. Don;t get hysterical. Have a drink and relax.

lexhamfox on December 15, 2013 at 7:53 PM

A punk classic: Toy Dolls – James Bond lives down our street

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SDvb3cjPQg

WhatSlushfund on December 15, 2013 at 7:53 PM

6. If your “martini” is made with vodka, it is not a martini.

Paging Mr. Vodkapundit. Paging Mr. Stephen Green. Please report for a retort.

Steve Eggleston on December 15, 2013 at 7:53 PM

You can’t compare the two. Connery was Bond back when men were expected to be men. Craig carries a man bag and flirts with the villan.

Happy Nomad on December 15, 2013 at 7:49 PM

And seems a RUTHLESS KILLER, which I rather like, and is a bit closer to Flemings Bond than Connery’s…

James Bond is a fantasy creation, it is no more realistic to speculate about his health than it is to scientifically analyze undead zombies, Hobbits evolution, or discuss the mating of a Vulcan and a human to produce a Mr. Spock.

1) You, sirrah, are a Killjoy;
2) You must leave Nerdvania, NOW, and never return; and
3) Could the Empire take the Federation? I say Yes….and you?

JFKY on December 15, 2013 at 7:55 PM

And seems a RUTHLESS KILLER, which I rather like, and is a bit closer to Flemings Bond than Connery’s…

JFKY on December 15, 2013 at 7:55 PM

You’re absolutely right. Bond has evolved. Or probably more accurately devolved back into the Bond that Ian Fleming wrote about.

Casino Royale is a favorite movie in the way they spoof this fact.

Happy Nomad on December 15, 2013 at 8:02 PM

It’s fiction. To paraphrase Kingsley Amis, the British author who wrote the definitive critique of the literary James Bond in 1965 (“The James Bond Dossier”), the drinking and smoking were plainly alter-ego and romanticized reflections of Ian Fleming’s own excesses. Why wouldn’t Fleming be drawn to create a character who did what he did and not only got away with it but was admired for it? Fleming didn’t get away with it (he died at age 56). But as Amis noted, prudes were assailing the Bond character back in the 50s and 60s for his drinking, smoking and womanizing. So maybe nothing changes.

rrpjr on December 15, 2013 at 8:05 PM

I would rather drink BEER!

KOOLAID2 on December 15, 2013 at 8:07 PM

James Bond was gay. He drank to get up the nerve and oomph to cavort with women.
Maybe he was a transgender. Or a Democrat. Anyway, he need to be buzzed to get through the day.

srdem65 on December 15, 2013 at 8:07 PM

I would rather drink BEER!

KOOLAID2 on December 15, 2013 at 8:07 PM

BEER?!?! Do you know how many Weight Watchers “Points” beer has?

JFKY on December 15, 2013 at 8:09 PM

And try a good Rye Whisky in case you haven’t…they are heaven.

JFKY on December 15, 2013 at 7:43 PM

Rye is a little too “bitey” for lack of a better word. But I don’t hate it. Crown Royal isn’t too bad.

JetBoy on December 15, 2013 at 8:13 PM

Distiller water and pure grain alcohol……general ripper

jaywemm on December 15, 2013 at 8:16 PM

Rye is a little too “bitey” for lack of a better word. But I don’t hate it. Crown Royal isn’t too bad.

JetBoy on December 15, 2013 at 8:13 PM

Try Rittenhouse Rye, it is really good, fruity, tastes like a bourbon barrel house smells, rich, full bodied, wonderful…kinda of like a great woman…OH WELL.

Distiller water and pure grain alcohol

Women want my essence Mandrake, but I deny them my essence…

JFKY on December 15, 2013 at 8:21 PM

I’ll take a drunken, fat James Bond to lying, marxist liberal any day. Even with a bullet to my head.

HiJack on December 15, 2013 at 8:23 PM

Crown Royal isn’t too bad.

JetBoy on December 15, 2013 at 8:13 PM

As a mixer, perhaps. PERHAPS.

Happy Nomad on December 15, 2013 at 8:24 PM

Having a 10:1 VODKA martini now…glorious and it was shaken, not stirred.

JFKY on December 15, 2013 at 8:33 PM

Hot and dirty Martini: Nothing better.

Rod on December 15, 2013 at 9:08 PM

Rod on December 15, 2013 at 9:08 PM

WAY too much self-punishment in that for me….Ai Caramba!

JFKY on December 15, 2013 at 9:28 PM

I’m not a drinker, but I seem to remember an episode of West Wing:

Bartlet: Can I tell you what’s messed up about James Bond?
Young: Nothing.
Bartlet: Shaken, not stirred, will get you cold water with a dash of gin and dry vermouth. The reason you stir it with a special spoon is so not to chip the ice. James is ordering a weak martini and being snooty about it.

eyesights on December 15, 2013 at 9:31 PM

For the millionth time, James Bond orders his VODKA martini shaken, not stirred, because it has VODKA in it.

Shaking the drink fractures the ice and chills the drink. Room temperature vodka tastes like lighter fluid.

HitNRun on December 15, 2013 at 10:02 PM

Gin martinis are to be STIRRED not SHAKEN. The science is not settled and I am a Martini Denier!

Shambhala on December 15, 2013 at 10:21 PM

Recommended cocktail shaker.

Yes, the transparency returns very fast and the martini is chilled to the bone.

Vodka?! Lowbrows!

Shy Guy on December 15, 2013 at 11:10 PM

If James Bond drank that much in real life…

He’d still kick ass and be as cool as Bogart, because he’s James f*ckin’ Bond, you pseudo-science p*ssies.

Oh…and he doesn’t, because …(Psst. He’s fake. Daniel Craig is an ACTOR. It’s a STORY, Pointdexter)

I wonder how much US Government-funded research money THIS little gem cost?

a5minmajor on December 15, 2013 at 11:18 PM

Oh, and on the drink front…

Shot of Jaeger. Follow with a pint of Guinness. repeat as necessary.

a5minmajor on December 15, 2013 at 11:21 PM

In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas):

“If you mean whiskey, the devil’s brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, the philosophic juice, the elixir of life, the liquid that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life’s great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, which provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.

This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle.”

Jocundus on December 15, 2013 at 11:26 PM

Rye is a little too “bitey” for lack of a better word. But I don’t hate it. Crown Royal isn’t too bad.

JetBoy on December 15, 2013 at 8:13 PM

Might I recommend 40 Creek Canadian Rye. My favorite.

ghostwalker1 on December 15, 2013 at 11:32 PM

Meh…give me a good highland single malt scotch, neat.

JetBoy on December 15, 2013 at 7:39 PM

For that, I recommend my favorite, the Cardhu!

ghostwalker1 on December 15, 2013 at 11:35 PM

As probably the only award winning mixologist Martini bar owner posting…you are completly wrong on point 6…vodka is accepted as a Martini in our Profession..as a Bond aficionado and a professional drinker…Bond was an occasional drinker…he never had more than one or two cocktails or glasses of wine…so WTF are these prudes talking about…

Political Chef on December 15, 2013 at 11:50 PM

“James Bond would be an alcoholic, DOCTORS have said…”

Sounds like SOMEONE is tired of always having their evil plus foiled, and their super-expensive, world-dominating ‘Death-Ray ‘s always blowed up.

a5minmajor on December 16, 2013 at 12:00 AM

Boodles Gin and any decent (dry) vermouth and olives stuffed with garlic.
‘Pour mixed’ over crushed ice and quickly dispensed into a chilled glass. Oh man.

Boodles Gin is the BEST but lately I cannot find any.
So, either Tanqaray or Beefeaters will suffice.

Missilengr on December 16, 2013 at 12:21 AM

I cannot believe how incorrect Jazz is in this article. A true martini should never have any fruit in it, olives or otherwise. The reason so few people enjoy vermouth anymore is because it’s all crap. They stopped making good vermouths because of the cost. There are still good bottles of vermouth out there that can be used to make a proper martini. Good hunting.

If you want to know how to make a real martini Ace’s had a better post up. Click here for a real martini

Very disappointing.

njrob on December 16, 2013 at 1:41 AM

Beeeeeeer.

celtic warrior on December 16, 2013 at 1:43 AM

As a career martini drinker, a few quick thoughts:

1) Watch your bartender make your martini. I usually ask for a dry matini, and the kid at the bar will think: dry vermouth -> dry martini; therefore more dry vermouth makes it more dry. Sometimes a get something like 3:1 gin:vermouth. I usually never have the heart to tell the kid how screwed he is.

2) Not all gins are created equal. Gin is like flavored vodka, and the flavors don’t always go well with what you select. Avoid Tanqueray with olives; Gordon’s and Beefeater work nicely with olives.

3) Gin and vodka are transparent and therefore less likely to give you a hangover than, say, bourbon.

4) Personal pref: I do a lot of things dirty. My martinis are not one of them.

5) You can put novelty olives in a martini, but in the spirit of novelty, don’t call it a martini. For example, if you use an almond stuffed olive, call the drink a Boston bullet.

6) Some (certainly not all) guys and dolls fight better after a few drinks. If you doubt this, try some field work at your local biker bar. Your milage may vary.

7) If you are going to drink a martini with other drinks, drink the martini first. Think of it as a palatte cleanser. (I personally like to start with a gin martini and then (after a decent interval) a finger or two of Buffalo Trace bourbon. What follows depends on if I’m driving.)

7a) If you are having a cocktail before a meal, a gin or vodka martini is, again, a palette cleanser. Just have a small one and finish before the meal. (Leave room for wine.)

8) If your shaken martini is watery, use colder ice. And don’t forget to chill the glass ahead of time. And drink it in a stemmed glass because (a) holding by the stem keeps the heat of your fingers out of the equation, and (b) it looks so cool.

apostic on December 16, 2013 at 2:29 AM

Take it from an old bartender, shaken martinis are for wimps. When you shake a martini (and nearly every bartender on the planet shakes their drinks far too many times before serving) the ice cubes crack and chip, leaving lots of fast melting bits of ice in the cocktail. Because of this, every shaken martini is always much too watery. Stirring (or better yet, just pouring your elixir over ice and let it sit there for half a minute or so before straining) results in a much higher quality cocktail than shaking. And always use an ice cold martini glass. Always.

No matter the spirit (gin, vodka, whatever,) if you want a watery martini then shake it. If you want to drink a cold, straight-up cocktail and actually taste what you’re drinking, stir it.

Stu Gotts on December 16, 2013 at 7:21 AM

Recommended cocktail shaker.

Yes, the transparency returns very fast and the martini is chilled to the bone.

Vodka?! Lowbrows!

Shy Guy on December 15, 2013 at 11:10 PM

Er, that looks more something from the bottom of your wife’s ‘delicates’ drawer …

M240H on December 16, 2013 at 8:14 AM

No vodka?

Then what am I supposed to do with this?

Absolut Chicago

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Meh, I like gin better anyway…

Fallon on December 16, 2013 at 8:36 AM

Recipe for a perfect dry martini

4 parts Bombay Sapphire gin

Drink while looking at a picture of Alonzo Schwartz, the inventor of Vermouth.

Mini-14 on December 16, 2013 at 8:59 AM

Back in the recent olden days, when Blockbuster was still opened, I rented a few of “The Thin Man” videos (VHS) with William Powell and Myrna Loy. I remember being shocked at how much those folks drank. Even their dog was a drunk. Annnnd smoke! There was a constant fog. And even more disturbing, a very young Jimmy Stewart played a murderer in one. After the adjustment, they were still enjoyable movies.

Cindy Munford on December 16, 2013 at 9:16 AM

This nannyism (and, yes, it *is* a nannyism – they’re trying to lightheartedly scold folks for making James Bond a hero when he’s a drunk) is so silly. Like he’s going to care what happens to his liver? He’s going to die in a fiery plane crash or with a bullet between his eyes, or thumped over the noggin and dumped in the Moskva River to freeze and drown. It’s also why he’s never much cared about safe sex – he can dose up on penicillin while he’s in the hospital getting the three 9mm bullets dug out of his back and having his broken ribs set. Sheesh.

Hmmm, would I trade sobriety for the ability (and the job description) of shooting bad guys and blowing up evil masterminds for my country? Oh, and getting all the hot chicks I could stand? Pfft, like that’s a hard choice.

I don’t care if your martini has vermouth in it, at all. The only important question is: are you drinking it because you grew up in a time and place where it was sophisticated and urbane, or are you drinking it because you’re a millenial twit who thinks it is just so kewl? If it’s the latter, then I’m betting some beer drinkers are going to mess up your day. If it’s the former, then the beer drinkers will probably see you for what you are and leave you alone.

GWB on December 16, 2013 at 9:45 AM

Drinking alcohol sure sounds complicated. I’m glad I don’t partake.

bmmg39 on December 16, 2013 at 10:24 AM

Even their dog was a drunk.

Cindy Munford on December 16, 2013 at 9:16 AM

In the first movie, their dog marked a lot of territory. (Subtle. If you know the scene, you know the scene.)

apostic on December 16, 2013 at 11:25 AM

apostic on December 16, 2013 at 11:25 AM

I seem to remember that, I love those old movies.

Cindy Munford on December 16, 2013 at 11:36 AM

James Bond is a fictional character, a legendary British spy who always catches the bad guys while doing everything wrong. Drinking is the least of his worries. In real life, a spy who womanizes as much as Bond does would end up giving away state secrets in bed with a female spy from an enemy nation. We all remember the outcry when Secret Service guys were found sleeping with prostitutes in Cartagena, and that was only found out because the prostitutes were under-paid.

The James Bond movies are totally unrealistic for another reason. James Bond always seems to outrun the bad guys while wearing dress shoes and an impeccably-tailored suit and tie, and never gets disheveled. In real life, bad guys tend to wear sneakers and comfortable clothes for a quick getaway, and a spy wearing dress shoes and a suit and tie would have a huge disadvantage in a foot chase.

But the image of the well-dressed, good-looking, martini-drinking and womanizing British spy sells lots of movie tickets, so the legend lives on in sequel after sequel.

Steve Z on December 16, 2013 at 12:32 PM

Steve Z on December 16, 2013 at 12:32 PM

You should read the books. And, in the days when Bond was conceived, everyone wore suits if they were gentlemen – even someplace like Jamaica. It *is* possible to run well in dress shoes – especially well-fitted ones.

GWB on December 16, 2013 at 1:34 PM

6. If your “martini” is made with vodka, it is not a martini.

Be cautious telling that to Bond. He drank Vodka Martini’s, as do I.

While I wont kick your ass in a New York minute over it, as you mentioned otherwise, he might – heh

jdmccomb on December 16, 2013 at 2:27 PM

Pros: Beautiful women, exotic places, company-paid alcoholic beverages, gambling, adventure, great gadgets, fast cars… and did I mention beautiful women?
Cons: Death at 56.

Frankly, I think that’s a fair trade-off.

Colony14 on December 16, 2013 at 3:47 PM

Stu Gotts on December 16, 2013 at 7:21 AM

Hmmm, maybe Bond had his martinis shaken so as to dilute them slightly? Thus giving the appearance of being more inebriated than he really was. Ergo, giving him an advantage over the bad guy. (Notice the bad guy is *always* underestimating Bond.)

GWB on December 16, 2013 at 4:00 PM

1. A -very- good Martini is Plymouth gin and Noilly Prat. Boodles is also good. Gordon’s is ok. Bombay is overrated. Having an opinion on Hendrick’s can be dangerous, as folks tend to either love it or hate it, but I don’t care for it at all in Martinis.

2. NEVER SHAKE a Martini. Stir it gently until cold enough and pour carefully. The result should have that heavy, silky mouth feel that shaking destroys.

3. All this gin / vodka is it or isn’t it a ‘real’ martini talk is nonsense. Yes Brits, I am about to really say this: Gin is flavored vodka.

wkgdyw on December 16, 2013 at 9:41 PM