Finishing up the weekend, the fun crushing nanny state has come up with a new target. James Bond. And why? Because he drinks too much.

James Bond’s love of martinis would have left him both shaken and stirred as he consumed four times the weekly recommended alcohol limit, doctors have said.

Despite his dangerous exploits, the famous spy was more at risk of dying from liver disease or drink driving than a bullet, according to a study in the British Medical Journal.

His high cocktail consumption may have even induced an alcohol-related tremor in his hands preventing him from stirring his drinks and explaining his preference for a shaken martini, the researchers said.

Possibly the best response to this was generated by Tim Stanley.

Their argument is that a) he’d be impotent and b) he wouldn’t be able to shoot straight. So less a case of Goldeneye than Blurred Vision.

On the issue of impotence, it’s certainly true that the image of a fat, sweaty, balding Bond weaving his way through a casino up to a sexy Russian and whispering “How about it, love?” in her ear is far from attractive. Call it The Spy Who Inadequately Loved Me. But these frigid science types are obviously unfamiliar with the general rule that the more drink you consume the more fun sex is. Or, put it another way, the less you remember of the horror the night before. As Bond wakes up and reaches for his first Rothman of the morning, that sweet blindspot he has about what happened in the car park the night before will keep him convinced that he’s still “got it”.

And on the subject of not being able to shoot straight, the authors of this report clearly have never watched one of the Bond movies. Maybe he can’t shoot straight, but neither can the bad guys. They’ve made about 104 films and no one’s hit him yet.

Just a few thoughts on this.

1. I don’t care.
2. The shaken vs. stirred debate was settled years ago. Bond was right. They need to be shaken.
3. A “very dry” martini is still a martini by definition. But if you just wave the bottle of vermouth at it, you may as well have a shot of gin.
4. A classic martini has some actual vermouth in it… usually at a 5 to 1 ratio.
5. The “dirty martini” is technically still a martini. The ingredients for a true martini are gin, vermouth and olives. Olives have olive juice on them. How much you put in is your business, but you’re still in the martini club.
6. If your “martini” is made with vodka, it is not a martini.
7. If you are putting fruit of any sort, juice, or anything other than the three items listed in number 5 above in your drink, you are not drinking a martini.
8. If you’re the people spending your time complaining about how much James Bond drank or what a bad role model James Bond is, I’m betting James Bond would kick your *** for you in a New York minute.

You may now return to your football games. Hope you had a great weekend.