Shutdown Apocalypse Roundup, weekend edition

posted at 6:31 pm on October 6, 2013 by Jazz Shaw

I’m no longer sure how much faith I can put in the computer systems. It looks like there are still people visiting Hot Gas and reading the articles here, but it could be a ploy by the undead. I’m not going outside to verify this for myself because, well… who would feed the dog? But for those of you who have somehow survived five days without the federal government running and not yet been consumed by the hoards of aliens and plague infested miscreants roaming the streets, we’ll try to bring you up to date. Does all of that sound a bit extreme? You haven’t seen anything yet.

Sir Bob Geldoff, of Boomtown Rats fame.

All humans will die before 2030

The musician-turned-activist reckons the world will end in 2030 – leading to the extinction of humankind.

Sir Bob, 61, based his miserable prediction on the effects of climate change.

“The world can decide in a fit of madness to kill itself,” he told a group of youngsters at a summit in Johannesburg, South Africa.

The former Boomtown Rats singer also warned “the next war will not be a World War One or a World War Two, it will be the end.”

Felix Salmon writing at Reuters.

My point is that Ted Cruz, and the Tea Party generally, are basically doing their best to play out this exact fantasy. By shutting down the government, they are destroying not a desert gift shop, but rather billions of dollars of real-world economic activity.

In doing so, the Tea Party is proving that it, truly, is the party of the 99% — of the masses who thrill to zombie movies, who fantasize about living in a post-zombie utopia, who understand that you can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs. We live in a country where the best way to ensure blockbuster status for your summer movie is to blow up as much stuff as possible — a building, a city, the entire world. Highbrow film critics might find such wanton destruction horrific, but the typical moviegoer just finds it thrilling. And when you look at the grass roots of today’s Republican party, it’s easy to see a bunch of heavily-armed zombie hunters: today’s downtrodden masses, perfectly positioned to become tomorrow’s post-apocalyptic elite.

If you somehow missed it, you simply must read MoDo. Welcome to Ted Cruz’s Thunderdome.

Dead cherry blossom trees litter the bleak landscape. Trash blows through L’Enfant’s once beautiful boulevards, now strewn with the detritus of democracy, scraps of the original Constitution, corroded White House ID cards, stacks of worthless bills tumbling out of the Treasury Department.

The BlackBerrys that were pried from the hands of White House employees in 2013 are now piled up on the Potomac as a flood barrier against the ever-rising tide from melting ice caps. Their owners, unable to check their messages, went insane long ago.

Because there was no endgame, the capital’s hunger games ended in a gray void. Because there was no clean bill, now there is only a filthy stench. Because there was no wisdom, now there is only rot. The instigators, it turned out, didn’t even know what they were arguing for. Macho thrusts and feints, competing to win while the country lost.

Thomas Jefferson’s utopia devolved into Ted Cruz’s dystopia.

Colbert King at the WaPo.

Federal government as the enemy.

Today there is a New Confederacy, an insurgent political force that has captured the Republican Party and is taking up where the Old Confederacy left off in its efforts to bring down the federal government.

No shelling of a Union fort, no bloody battlefield clashes, no Good Friday assassination of a hated president — none of that nauseating, horrendous stuff. But the behavior is, nonetheless, malicious and appalling.

The New Confederacy, as churlish toward President Obama as the Old Confederacy was to Lincoln, has accomplished what its predecessor could not: It has shut down the federal government, and without even firing a weapon or taking 620,000 lives, as did the Old Confederacy’s instigated Civil War.

And finally, for a dose of much needed reality and humor, someone who seems to get the absurdity of it all.

The dog whined for breakfast as usual. I’m told that animals often sense catastrophe before it strikes. All I know about my dog is that he senses food and would let you know it was mealtime even if the house was engulfed in flames.

The coffee maker and shower worked just fine. Probably safe enough to commute with the expectation that the asphalt should sustain itself at least early into this shutdown.

Even in McCarthy’s post-apocalyptic nightmare, I doubted anyone would have resorted to cannibalism this soon. Best to pack a lunch, though. Worst-case scenario, I could barter a turkey sandwich to save my own flesh.

We’re on Day Three of the federal government shutdown, and I’m grateful for each reader who possessed the survival skills required to make it through this column. You’ve got a fighting chance.

And if we make it to Day Five, I’d like to remind them that columnists do not – repeat, DO NOT – taste like chicken.

There’s plenty of reading to tide you over for a while until Sunday Night Football starts. Assuming it does start, of course. But just to be safe, you might want to print all of those columns out and locate a few candles.


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What ! close down the Amber Alert due to budget? BUT keep open the Senate barbershop as essential to the well fare? take the Basters out all of them every one of them. Not for what the do or do not do but for continuing to lie to us and to manipulate us for their own good. Do not fall for it any more

jpcpt03 on October 6, 2013 at 8:51 PM

Kevin Nealon        ✔ @kevin_nealon
Be careful government. We may realize we actually don’t need you after all.

Heh

can_con on October 6, 2013 at 8:54 PM

Poor little Brayam: Unhinged. Say tell us about Buffett or Rush again…please. You need some new material .

CWchangedhisNicagain on October 6, 2013 at 8:39 PM

You forgot: STEVE JOBS!!!

Resist We Much on October 6, 2013 at 8:58 PM

columnists do not – repeat, DO NOT – taste like chicken.

i can vouch for that

t8stlikchkn on October 6, 2013 at 9:02 PM

Four American soldiers were killed by a bomb today in Afghanistan.

On the ‘bright side,’ they won’t ever become ‘worthless vets’ according to Brayam.

Resist We Much on October 6, 2013 at 9:02 PM

Kevin Nealon ✔ @kevin_nealon
Be careful government. We may realize we actually don’t need you after all.

Heh

can_con on October 6, 2013 at 8:54 PM

That’s what the Brayams fear the most.

CWchangedhisNicagain on October 6, 2013 at 9:03 PM

Then again, the Tea Party is so intellectually bankrupt it actually believes that the poor are the source of this country’s problems.

bayam on October 6, 2013 at 7:43 PM

Who said that?

ajacksonian on October 6, 2013 at 9:03 PM

worthless vets
bayam on October 6, 2013 at 7:17 PM

You really are a POS.

CWchangedhisNicagain on October 6, 2013 at 9:05 PM

Who said that?

ajacksonian on October 6, 2013 at 9:03 PM

It’s called a lie.

CWchangedhisNicagain on October 6, 2013 at 9:06 PM

It’s called a lie.

CWchangedhisNicagain on October 6, 2013 at 9:06 PM

I’m looking around for some slides because we got quite a projector here…

ajacksonian on October 6, 2013 at 9:08 PM

I’m sorry, liberals, but in case you haven’t noticed :

..The Tea Party shut the government down

..Obamacare is failing

..Global temperatures have been decreasing the last 15 years

Is there anything else you’d like to discuss?

MichaelGabriel on October 6, 2013 at 9:08 PM

Due to Article I Section 6, as amended by Amendment XXVII, Congress’ pay cannot be cut off for any reason during a session, and any votes of the current Congress on its own pay would only take effect in the next.

Lindsey Graham just sent me a note saying he is donating his pay during the shutdown to Wounded Warrior Project. And then asked for a campaign contribution.

I wrote him back that I was sending it to Wounded Warrior Project, too, to cut out the middle man.

Adjoran on October 6, 2013 at 9:10 PM

The Teat Party is ready to explode like the petulant chilwen they are.

CWchangedhisNicagain on October 6, 2013 at 9:11 PM

Adjoran on October 6, 2013 at 9:10 PM

Awesome response.

Barred on October 6, 2013 at 9:13 PM

.The Tea Party shut the government down

MichaelGabriel on October 6, 2013 at 9:08 PM

Well , less than 20% of it. It is not really a shutdown. Just more fear mongering from the left.

CWchangedhisNicagain on October 6, 2013 at 9:15 PM

I’m pretty sure the Country will tip over and capsize any moment now

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

roflmmfao

donabernathy on October 6, 2013 at 9:16 PM

Bmore (if you check in), I have a job for you:

We need a view of the Statue of Liberty from Manhattan…with Obama-added fog machines so that we can’t even see it.

Resist We Much on October 6, 2013 at 9:32 PM

Why is Jazz posting this crap?

Why is Jazz posting?

How is Jazz helping? I’m not seeing it…..

williamg on October 6, 2013 at 9:32 PM

Just saw that they tossed an elderly couple out of fed housing. I couldn’t get to church today because there are bodies piling up everywhere. Liberals suck.

crosshugger on October 6, 2013 at 9:39 PM

The President thinks that he might have to cut off SS checks to all us old geezers. Go ahead, pal, why don’t you do that.
Test us, see what happens.

srdem65 on October 6, 2013 at 9:42 PM

worthless vets
bayam on October 6, 2013 at 7:17 PM

How did we Ever get to a place where saying something like this was even considered “free speech” or unthreatening – much less the Chorus being Sung over and over by the mindless masses……

williamg on October 6, 2013 at 9:45 PM

And now the Justice Department has shut off the Amber Alert website. Check it out, check-it-outers.

http://www.amberalert.gov

eaglescout_1998 on October 6, 2013 at 9:48 PM

Four America soldiers killed today. Oldest medial of honor dies in New Jersey. None will be interned for now all will be put on ice. Our government now considers them non-essential. But the golf course stay open and maintained. Please thake this government out it is no longer important to “We The People”.

jpcpt03 on October 6, 2013 at 10:02 PM

And now the Justice Department has shut off the Amber Alert website. Check it out, check-it-outers.

http://www.amberalert.gov

eaglescout_1998 on October 6, 2013 at 9:48 PM

But, Holder’s Trayvon investigation is, according to him, ‘ongoing.’

Resist We Much on October 6, 2013 at 10:05 PM

We’re on Day Three of the federal government shutdown

The ATMs still work. The gas station and grocery store are still open. People still visit the beach. My wife still has a job. My retirement check came in on time.

Meanwhile, the liberal assholes in Washington think everything in the country has come to a standstill.

Hey Reid! Kiss my ass!

GarandFan on October 6, 2013 at 10:54 PM

Per Maureen “the Harpy” Dowd:

Because there was no endgame, the capital’s hunger games ended in a gray void. Because there was no clean bill, now there is only a filthy stench. Because there was no wisdom, now there is only rot. The instigators, it turned out, didn’t even know what they were arguing for. Macho thrusts and feints, competing to win while the country lost.

Wow! I had no idea hot flashes could reach Def Con 5 level.

Maddie on October 6, 2013 at 11:09 PM

And if we make it to Day Five, I’d like to remind them that columnists do not – repeat, DO NOT – taste like chicken.

Actually they taste like the rest of their kind. Like snakes.

de rigueur on October 6, 2013 at 11:11 PM

worthless vets

bayam on October 6, 2013 at 7:17 PM

This has to be one of the most repugnant and obnoxious comments I have ever seen on HA. This comment- along with the poster who seems to think it was perfectly proper to type it out and submit – should be removed, as they are both worthy of total censure and condemnation.
I have never once -in 5 years of reading Hot Air- seen a comment that I made a point to call out as completely offensive. This one did it.

lynncgb on October 6, 2013 at 11:17 PM

And if we make it to Day Five, I’d like to remind them that columnists do not – repeat, DO NOT – taste like chicken.

I would rethink making that statement. It sounds like an invitation to start a taste test.

talkingpoints on October 6, 2013 at 11:55 PM

the Tea Party is so intellectually bankrupt it actually believes that the poor are the source of this country’s problems.

bayam on October 6, 2013 at 7:43 PM

No, Conservatives believe big government is the source of this country’s problems and is increasing poverty-just look at this increase in poverty, unemployment (the lowest number of people in the workforce in decades0 the largest number on foodstamps etc. under the high priest of big government himself-Obama.

Big government institutionalizes poverty. Conservatives would prefer the poor could succeed and that is one of the reasons tha dislike big govenrment.

talkingpoints on October 7, 2013 at 12:07 AM

I was hoping to hear about more civil disobedience today, especially by park police disregarding stupid vindictive orders to close parks they have almost nothing to do with or are already open air 24/7/365. I hope this isn’t a harbinger of things to come when things get serious.

Clarifying times we are living in.

Harbingeing on October 7, 2013 at 12:10 AM

columnists do not – repeat, DO NOT – taste like chicken.

My Aunt Bubba’s best Columnist Recipe

Place half-filled beer can on grill

Take columnist out of Russian Borscht marinade and place on beer can, butt down (hint: with columnists-both ends serve well as butt ends)

Rub critter all over (well almost) with a good redneck pepper rub

Turn on grill*

*Safety warning–do not inhale any of the smoke as it is considered hazardous, though it makes a great tick killer if you hang your best hunting camo near it while critter is tenderizing.

Don L on October 7, 2013 at 3:31 AM

And finally, for a dose of much needed reality and humor, someone who seems to get the absurdity of it all.

Wait the preceding three pieces weren’t humor? They sure made me laugh.

dogsoldier on October 7, 2013 at 5:22 AM

But seriously, is that what it’s come to, relegating people who don’t want the government to swamp us forever under an avalanche of debt and regulation to the status of insipid knuckle draggers.

Bishop on October 6, 2013 at 7:10 PM

Yes, that’s all they have left.

Bishop on October 6, 2013 at 7:24 PM

Reid hates children with cancer. He refused to pay for their treatments.

dogsoldier on October 7, 2013 at 5:29 AM

Sorry that was supposed to be a blockquote. need.more.coffee.

dogsoldier on October 7, 2013 at 5:30 AM

I just got this in my email.

Sams to the rescue:

http://spousebuzz.com/blog/2013/10/free-military-sams-club-membership-shutdown-ends.html

If you live near a Sam’s Club and are in the market for bulk groceries, this could be your lucky day. According to Sam’s Club officials all military members will be allowed to shop in the members-only warehouse store for free until the government shutdown ends and the commissaries reopen.

dogsoldier on October 7, 2013 at 5:41 AM

Jeez Louise:

http://www.military.com/daily-news/2013/10/02/military-danger-pay-still-on-hold.html?ESRC=dod.nl

The Defense Department has yet to make a decision on whether the stopgap measure passed by Congress on military pay during the government shutdown will allow troops in Afghanistan to keep receiving the extra $7.50 a day they rate for hazardous duty, Pentagon officials said Wednesday.

dogsoldier on October 7, 2013 at 5:45 AM

eon on October 6, 2013 at 7:03 PM

I like your term – Shutdownageddon.

Although you got to realize that this Kabuki theater government shutdown is not real. Thanks to Congress voting to reimburse the 20% non-essential federal bloodsuckers sitting at home, it is really a paid vacation for those who were furloughed.

Uniblogger on October 7, 2013 at 7:53 AM

Roll another one
Just like the other one…

claudius on October 7, 2013 at 8:42 AM

“who understand that you can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs”

yes.

“it’s easy to see a bunch of heavily-armed…”

yes.

“Today there is a New Confederacy’”

yes.

“The New Confederacy: It has shut down the federal government”

yes.

Any more questions?

Tsar of Earth on October 7, 2013 at 10:59 AM

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