Finally: The geriatric Stallone/Schwarzenegger buddy caper that America’s been waiting for

posted at 5:21 pm on June 28, 2013 by Allahpundit

We badly need a palate cleaner after this afternoon’s amnestymania, so here you go. I realize they were together onscreen in the two “Expendables” movies, but those were ensembles. Am I right in thinking this is the first time the two preeminent action stars of the 80s have done a buddy flick? Good lord. I’m as excited for this as I was for the big DeNiro/Pacino set piece in “Heat.” Except that this will be less hammy.

You will see this movie, not because it’ll be especially good or because anyone’s interested in Stallone or Schwarzenegger anymore but because all of us of a certain age grew up hoping against hope that Hollywood would one day give us a “Rambo vs. the Terminator” mother-of-all-action movies and this is as close we’re going to get. Imagine that. Two sixtysomethings having a fistfight in a prison, and that’s as close as we’ll get. Just one more sign of America’s decline.

One other reason to see it: “Lock Up,” Stallone’s other prison movie, is a true camp classic. If this is half as cheesy-good, it’ll be just fine.


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Rocky Term sounds like an Obama documentary.

/

Christien on June 28, 2013 at 5:24 PM

Sub-plot:

A running practical joke where Arnold keeps stealing the tennis balls off of Stallone’s walker and pretends they’re grenades.

BobMbx on June 28, 2013 at 5:25 PM

Cool!!!

patch on June 28, 2013 at 5:26 PM

Are there Depends involved?

Schadenfreude on June 28, 2013 at 5:26 PM

Well, I didn’t expect that… I watched the trailer and wound up thinking, I want to see that..

You’re right, AP, what does that say about the state of contemporary film (if not society)?

fabrexe on June 28, 2013 at 5:28 PM

Usually a trailer can make even the worst movie look watchable. They can’t even achieve that much here. It must be really bad.

Mark1971 on June 28, 2013 at 5:28 PM

It actually looks ok. Not a straight up action flick which is absurd given the age of the two, but rather a prison break flick. Kinda like the Erehwon segment of Face/Off turned into an entire movie. I just wish they’d kept the original title, The Tomb. Seriously. Escape Plan? That’s straight-to-video material right there.

Doughboy on June 28, 2013 at 5:28 PM

Interesting… there seems to be a lot of ageism present here… whiz on you wankers…

fabrexe on June 28, 2013 at 5:29 PM

I already can’t wait for the sequel Escape Plan B.

Flange on June 28, 2013 at 5:32 PM

Would you flower boys like it better if the movie starred Justin Beiber? I mean, hey he’s young, right? Irredeemable dumba$$es, where’s the concern for the pretense of a plot/story? You’re no better than the liberal clique, with your stereotypes.

fabrexe on June 28, 2013 at 5:35 PM

Stallone has made a career out of presenting himself as a “badass” military guy. He’s so much of a real-world wuss that he’s afraid to go overseas to do USO shows for the troops he pretends to portray. I have not watched a Stallone movie in over 20 years, and I refuse to do so ever again. I won’t even watch his crap if it’s free for viewing on network TV.

quikstrike98 on June 28, 2013 at 5:35 PM

Could be good.
I’ve never been a big Stallone fan, but I like a lot of Arnold’s movies.

However, RED is my latest all-time favorite movie, so I must be getting old – since I now really like the old guys “get the band back together” kind of movies – especially if they have a good sense of humor about it.

dentarthurdent on June 28, 2013 at 5:36 PM

It actually looks like it might be worth seeing. Not great, but watchable. I hope it pans out.

sharrukin on June 28, 2013 at 5:37 PM

That’s a lot of HGH.

Sgt Steve on June 28, 2013 at 5:37 PM

WTH happened to Stallone’s face?

I don’t know if I could sit through 2 hours of that face…It’s like the freeks known as Mickey Roarke or Joan Rivers.

workingclass artist on June 28, 2013 at 5:38 PM

Using my mental powers here…..

At the end, they both are out of prison, the prison is destroyed, and whoever sent him there returns to room temperature in a really cool CGI way.

Save your money.

BobMbx on June 28, 2013 at 5:39 PM

However, RED is my latest all-time favorite movie, so I must be getting old – since I now really like the old guys “get the band back together” kind of movies – especially if they have a good sense of humor about it.

dentarthurdent on June 28, 2013 at 5:36 PM

Reds is a good series cause it’s funny.

workingclass artist on June 28, 2013 at 5:40 PM

Two worst actors in modern history, and complete dopes. Pathetic.

Jaibones on June 28, 2013 at 5:40 PM

I hope it’s subtitled. Yo!

Christien on June 28, 2013 at 5:41 PM

Meh. Will not click.

You will see this movie, not because it’ll be especially good or because anyone’s interested in Stallone or Schwarzenegger anymore but because all of us of a certain age grew up hoping against hope that Hollywood would one day give us a “Rambo vs. the Terminator” mother-of-all-action movies and this is as close we’re going to get it will end up being played on cable 3 times a day at some point in the future.

peski on June 28, 2013 at 5:42 PM

Is that Jim Caviezel playing the bad warden?

From Jesus to Bad Rendition Warden.

workingclass artist on June 28, 2013 at 5:43 PM

Two worst actors in modern history, and complete dopes. Pathetic.

Jaibones on June 28, 2013 at 5:40 PM

Arnold makes an excellent Austrian Robot from the Future.

workingclass artist on June 28, 2013 at 5:44 PM

Using my mental powers here…..

At the end, they both are out of prison, the prison is destroyed, and whoever sent him there returns to room temperature in a really cool CGI way.

Save your money.

BobMbx on June 28, 2013 at 5:39 PM

Having read a lot of history, I knew the ending to every war movie I have ever seen as well.

SPOILER ALERT…

Hitler loses!

sharrukin on June 28, 2013 at 5:44 PM

Reds is a good series cause it’s funny.

workingclass artist on June 28, 2013 at 5:40 PM

Exactly. IMHO Bruce Willis seems to have the best ability and willingness to have fun with the fact that he’s an aging action star – we know it, he knows it, and he does good humorous scripts about it. Can’t wait to catch RED 2.

dentarthurdent on June 28, 2013 at 5:44 PM

Arnold makes an excellent Austrian Robot from the Future.

workingclass artist on June 28, 2013 at 5:44 PM

So THAT’s what the Austrian language sounds like……
Lots of aaaarrrrrggggs and ggggggaaaaaaas…..
No wonder Obumble can’t speak Austrian….

dentarthurdent on June 28, 2013 at 5:47 PM

SPOILER ALERT…

Hitler loses!

sharrukin on June 28, 2013 at 5:44 PM

And the Titanic actually sinks….. bummer dude….
I really thought Leo would save the ship.
;)

dentarthurdent on June 28, 2013 at 5:48 PM

And the Titanic actually sinks….. bummer dude….
I really thought Leo would save the ship.
;)

dentarthurdent on June 28, 2013 at 5:48 PM

It would have actually been amusing if he had saved the ship.

Movies are about entertainment and there aren’t that many unique and amazing stories out there. I honestly get tired of movies that try to be different just for the sake of being different.

sharrukin on June 28, 2013 at 5:52 PM

The trailer doesn’t make this one look cheesy / campy / funny though. It kind of looks like an attempt at a serious prison break movie of some sort with a touch of scifi technology.

dentarthurdent on June 28, 2013 at 5:52 PM

Shiny Squirrel…

… I wonder what Valarie Jarrett is up to today?

Seven Percent Solution on June 28, 2013 at 5:54 PM

Early reports indicate there will be more gunshots than words by a ratio of 75 to 1.

Leonard ‘Gomer Pyle’ Lawrence will reprise an earlier movie roll by eating a doughnut that everyone else has to pay for. Thats actually what starts the big fight scene.

Sadly, there are no boob shots. That alone reduces the audience by 50%, and removes any redeeming value. Even a free box of Milk Duds can’t make this an evening to remember.

BobMbx on June 28, 2013 at 5:54 PM

Movies are about entertainment and there aren’t that many unique and amazing stories out there. I honestly get tired of movies that try to be different just for the sake of being different.

sharrukin on June 28, 2013 at 5:52 PM

Hollywood does seem to be having a lot of trouble coming up with new ideas. Too many sequels and remakes.

dentarthurdent on June 28, 2013 at 5:55 PM

Hollywood does seem to be having a lot of trouble coming up with new ideas. Too many sequels and remakes.

dentarthurdent on June 28, 2013 at 5:55 PM

They’re cheaper. They don’t have to buy the rights to a story they already own.

BobMbx on June 28, 2013 at 5:57 PM

Sadly, there are no boob shots. That alone reduces the audience by 50%, and removes any redeeming value. Even a free box of Milk Duds can’t make this an evening to remember.

BobMbx on June 28, 2013 at 5:54 PM

Boob shots are always good, but from what I can remember, Arnold and Sly movies don’t typically have much of that anyway.
The blond chick in Conan; Jamie Lee’s pole dance in True Lies was good (although not a full “boob shot”)…..

dentarthurdent on June 28, 2013 at 5:59 PM

I’m as excited for this as I was for the big DeNiro/Pacino set piece in “Heat.” Except that this will be less hammy.

Heat was a major disappointment. Considering the talent in that flick, it was awful.

joejm65 on June 28, 2013 at 5:59 PM

They’re cheaper. They don’t have to buy the rights to a story they already own.

BobMbx on June 28, 2013 at 5:57 PM

Yup – all about cheap now.
Same reason they make so darn many reality shows.
Can’t stand to watch ANY of those.

dentarthurdent on June 28, 2013 at 6:00 PM

Hollywood does seem to be having a lot of trouble coming up with new ideas. Too many sequels and remakes.

dentarthurdent on June 28, 2013 at 5:55 PM

Can’t argue with that. I meant stories, but Hollywood just copies things from previous movies, graphic novels, books, etc. They are mining for ideas and don’t want to put the slightest effort into plot, storyline, or characterization. The protagonists they all too often feature are people I would rather see run over by a bus.

They have lost all touch with the basics of telling a story, so they copy what worked in years past, or has proven popular in print.

sharrukin on June 28, 2013 at 6:02 PM

I’m not much for watching prison films. Maybe if it were Chuck Norris, the late Charles Bronson, and “Chair-man” Clint starring instead, I’d make an exception.

whatcat on June 28, 2013 at 6:05 PM

Using my mental powers here…..

At the end, they both are out of prison, the prison is destroyed, and whoever sent him there returns to room temperature in a really cool CGI way.

Save your money.

BobMbx on June 28, 2013 at 5:39 PM

You forgot: along the way a beautiful Asian woman young enough to be his granddaughter falls in love with Rambo Stallone and Schwarzenegger utters “I’ll be back” at least once in a contrived way.

Fenris on June 28, 2013 at 6:08 PM

Is that Jim Caviezel playing the bad warden?

From Jesus to Bad Rendition Warden.

workingclass artist on June 28, 2013 at 5:43 PM

He already played a terrorist in Deja Vu after his turn as Jesus. For those on here who are trashing Sly, he gets my neverending respect for one scene alone. That moment in Rocky Balboa where he chews out his son in the street. In about 2 minutes he sums up the argument for conservatism over liberalism. One of my all-time favorite scenes in any film.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_Vg4uyYwEk

Doughboy on June 28, 2013 at 6:11 PM

Would you flower boys like it better if the movie starred Justin Beiber? I mean, hey he’s young, right? Irredeemable dumba$$es, where’s the concern for the pretense of a plot/story? You’re no better than the liberal clique, with your stereotypes.

fabrexe on June 28, 2013 at 5:35 PM

Lighten up, Francis.

Moose Drool on June 28, 2013 at 6:16 PM

However, RED is my latest all-time favorite movie, so I must be getting old – since I now really like the old guys “get the band back together” kind of movies – especially if they have a good sense of humor about it.

dentarthurdent on June 28, 2013 at 5:36 PM

Then you’ll love The Wild Bunch.

EnglishRogue on June 28, 2013 at 6:20 PM

Then you’ll love The Wild Bunch.

EnglishRogue on June 28, 2013 at 6:20 PM

Goin waaaay back for that one.
I’ve never been a big western fan so I’ve never seen that one, but I may have to check it out. Looks like a solid cast.

dentarthurdent on June 28, 2013 at 6:24 PM

The 80`s were fantastic! Anything that`ll remind me of those days, I`ll take. :)

ThePrez on June 28, 2013 at 6:26 PM

Oh, hell yeah!

Sign me up.

JimLennon on June 28, 2013 at 6:33 PM

Then you’ll love The Wild Bunch.

EnglishRogue on June 28, 2013 at 6:20 PM

Goin waaaay back for that one.
I’ve never been a big western fan so I’ve never seen that one, but I may have to check it out. Looks like a solid cast.

dentarthurdent on June 28, 2013 at 6:24 PM

I liked the Magnificent Seven a lot more…

Dr. ZhivBlago on June 28, 2013 at 7:12 PM

All I see is the imaginings of an old coot with dementia confined against his will to a nursing home planning his dramatic escape and seeking revenge on his selfish relatives.

TexAz on June 28, 2013 at 7:12 PM

Looks awesome. All it’s missing is some jungle scenery. And scary aliens. And sadistic Vietnamese guards. Can’t wait to see it on cable.

SteveThomas on June 28, 2013 at 7:27 PM

Then you’ll love The Wild Bunch.

EnglishRogue on June 28, 2013 at 6:20 PM

Goin waaaay back for that one.
I’ve never been a big western fan so I’ve never seen that one, but I may have to check it out. Looks like a solid cast.

dentarthurdent on June 28, 2013 at 6:24 PM

I liked the Magnificent Seven a lot more…

Dr. ZhivBlago on June 28, 2013 at 7:12 PM

Also look up The Professionals (1966) with Lee Marvin, Burt Lancaster, and Robert Ryan, based on Frank O’Rourke’s novel A Mule for the Marquesa. Among the memorable lines;

Hans Ehrengard (Ryan): Dynamite in the hands of a fool means death.

Bill Dolworth (Lancaster): In this case, it could mean life. Ours. If we’re lucky enough to get back to this rat trap, it might be touch and go. All you gotta do is light this fuse. You got ten seconds to run like hell. Then dynamite, not faith, will move that mountain into this pass. Peace, brother.

Lee Marvin has a great one at the end. I’m not going to spoil things by revealing it here. ;-)

cheers

eon

eon on June 28, 2013 at 7:47 PM

Then you’ll love The Wild Bunch.
EnglishRogue on June 28, 2013 at 6:20 PM

“You know, Pike I wouldn’t have it any other way either.”

tommyboy on June 28, 2013 at 7:57 PM

Umm I’ll pass. The steriod/facelift duo will bomb. Too bad really “Rocky” and “The Terminator” movies were great. I wonder if either will ever make a decent film again.

D-Bar on June 28, 2013 at 9:35 PM

I’ll probably put it and its sequel on the netflix DVD list. It will probably slide in after the Expendables 3, Fast & Furious 6, Avengers 2, the second Hobit, Rocky 12, Rambo 9, Taken 4, Oceans 14 and Iron Man 5.
Unfortunately each of these will be entirely predictable, very similar to the other movies in their series, and will still be better than 99% of the other movies in theater.
I do kind of enjoy these action films, but there’s not much out there that is original. Most of it is a rehash of another movie with new a new setting and characters.

ritewhit on June 29, 2013 at 12:08 AM

I’ll wait for the reboot in two years.

BDavis on June 29, 2013 at 2:41 AM

I actually liked both the expendables movies, they were just tongue in check enough to be fun. This looks terrible however. And Sly is a way better actor than Arnold. His recent movies have been pretty good all around even if they have all been about aging. I thought the last Rocky movie was great.

jhffmn on June 29, 2013 at 6:58 PM

My favorite angle on these two flabby dopes is that they are big gun control pansies. The hypocrisy of this is immeasurable.

Jaibones on June 29, 2013 at 7:34 PM

Who would you rather see in an action movie? Christian Bale? Jason Statham? I much prefer the days when action stars were “ugly” to the metrosexual bunch that we’re supposed to think of as tough guys today.

joe_doufu on July 25, 2013 at 10:22 AM