Bobby Jindal slayed ‘em at the Gridiron Club Dinner

posted at 8:41 pm on March 13, 2013 by Mary Katharine Ham

I’m a couple days late on this, but I was hoping some tape might by chance turn up. The Gridiron dinner is off-the-record and closed to most reporters, but we generally see clips of the president and presidential candidates doing their routines. (Clarification: I stated this badly. Obviously, there’s lots of press at the dinner because it’s a club for journalists. I just meant they’re not there reporting on it.)

Word is Gov. Bobby Jindal killed. He “outquip[ped] Obama” and was a “big hit.” Sadly, since there is no tape from this dinner, it won’t provide the redemption it should from his 2009 SOTU response, at which he poked fun in his speech.

A few of them are groaners, but overall, the jokes are good enough, I thought I’d let y’all read the whole speech, even if you can’t see it. I think my favorite is the Elizabeth Warren line. Twitchy covered the limited leaks from the dinner at the time.

Thanks for that kind introduction Chuck.

I’m honored to be here tonight, and to have this opportunity to represent my people.

As you know, my people are one of our nation’s most accomplished minority groups – doctors…lawyers…business owners…and of course, I’m referring to the Republican Party.

They say this is a place where you can come and tell jokes about the President…poke fun at yourself…set political ambition aside and just generally say anything you want.

Kind of like the Romney campaign.

I spoke to Mitt the other day…told him that I was doing the Gridiron dinner…he said that 47 percent of you can’t take a joke.

This of course is the night for the Washington press corps and the President to kick back, share a few laughs, not take things seriously and just generally enjoy each other’s company.

Kind of like the President’s interview on 60 Minutes.

The Gridiron Dinner used to be known as the night the media and the administration set aside their differences — back in the days when they had some.

I was on the treadmill the other day and I caught something about the supreme and infallible leader ordained from on high stepping down, and I got all excited, but then I realized it was just the Pope not the President.

You may not realize this, but even though the President may look calm and relaxed…he is sitting here right now quaking in his boots…he’s terrified that I’ll upstage him again…like I did in that State of the Union response a few years ago.

Actually…after my infamous State of the Union response in 2009, I appreciate this opportunity to try to be funny on purpose.

I think my performance that night would have been better if I had just taken a 10-minute sip of water, interrupted by 30 seconds of speaking.

After my disastrous speech…people wrote and said a lot of mean stuff. But when they spoke to me in person, they were kind as can be.

But…there was one exception to that. My dad. He called that night and said simply this – “I told you to go to medical school.”

But…what a difference a day makes…now some people have asked me if I intend to run for President in 2016?
And the answer is that I have no plans to run. I’ve made that clear, over and over again…in Iowa…in New Hampshire…and in South Carolina.

There is a reason I’ve got no plans to run.

I mean, come on. What chance does a skinny guy with a dark complexion and a funny name have to get elected president of the United States?

The truth is – I am too skinny to run. At least that’s what my friend Chris Christie keeps telling me. Chris pointed out that my biceps are half the size of Obama’s guns. Not the president’s, Michelle’s.

You all don’t know this…but the President and I had the exact same campaign slogan years ago. But unfortunately UPS sued both of us and made us stop using it…you remember our slogan– ‘what can brown do for you?’

Speaking of brown, I was hoping to see my good friend John Boehner here. We go to the same tanning salon.

When I first went to congress, I would always get asked by friends –“hey, have you met my friend congressman so and so.”

So I of course responded – I don’t know, all white people look alike to me.

After a while…I found a better answer.

I would simply say…um…let me think…is he a middle aged white guy, slightly balding, a little thick around the middle?”

They would always say – “yep, that’s him”…Worked every time.

I did a lot of campaigning in the last election. I was one of Rick Perry’s strongest supporters. I supported Rick because he’s a loyal friend, a great governor, and…oops…I forget the third reason.

I’m now serving my sixth year as governor. That’s the longest I have ever held the same job at the same place since the sixth grade.

I was feeling bad for myself, thinking my career had stalled out – but then I remembered it could be worse…I could be Steny Hoyer.

You’ll have to excuse me for a second. I’m drying up. I need a drink of water.

I was hoping to finally meet Mayor Bloomberg here tonight………that’s a lie
I was also hoping to see Harry Reid…..that’s another lie.

I was actually hoping to see my good friend John McCain here tonight.

In 2008, John talked to me about the Vice Presidency. I told John not to consider me or even vet me for VP.
I wasn’t ready for the job and I was afraid he might do something crazy…glad we avoided that.

I had a meeting with a man earlier today who says that his name is Reince Priebus and he insists that he is Chairman of the Republican Party.

Hard to imagine a better name than “Reince Priebus” to connect with the working class people and show that we aren’t one-percenters.

At least I had the political foresight at the age of 4 to change my name to Bobby.

I see Mark Sanford is running for office again. Sanford was so committed to outsourcing that he even shipped his wife’s job overseas.

It was revealed this week that Sanford asked his ex-wife to run his campaign…Hard to believe Republicans have a gender gap.

It gets worse. Sanford offered to pay his ex-wife this time. In Louisiana, if you try to get a woman back in your life by telling her you will pay her…that’s called solicitation.

Unfortunately, there has been an uptick in sex scandals in Washington D.C. these days.

The Menendez scandal is disturbing. Soliciting prostitution is completely unacceptable. We would never put up with that in Louisiana.

Great to see the new Senator from Massachusetts – Elizabeth Warren. My staff tells me we’ve got a lot in common.

Well from one Indian politician to another, I want to wish you all the best in your new job.

I ran into Joe Biden earlier today. I don’t think he recognized me though. He asked me to go get him a Slurpee.

You know, sometimes I wonder where we would be without Vice President Biden. And then I realize: Pretty much exactly where we are right now.

I see Eric Holder is with us tonight. I actually heard a rumor that due to sequestration, the attorney general can only afford to ship a couple hundred illegal guns across the border this year.

I saw a bumper sticker on the way over here that said, “Honk if you’ve been released by Janet Napolitano.”

I understand that to save money – the President’s Secret Service detail is being replaced by Joe Biden with a shotgun.

Mr. President, I see a lot of famous people here tonight. Some of our top journalists. I don’t see Bob Woodward, though. He sends his…regrets.

It’s good to see Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper here. Somebody better find a Taco Bell that’s open late, I’m sure he’ll have the munchies later.

You know, a lot of people warned me that if I voted for Mitt Romney, a Wall Street robber baron who hid his money in secretive Grand Cayman bank accounts would end up running the U.S. Treasury. I see Jack Lew is here tonight.

Good thing that job went to you instead, Jack.

Speaking of cabinet secretaries. Mr. President, while it was a nice bipartisan gesture, I still think it was a bad idea to have Romney’s pollsters prepare Chuck Hagel for his confirmation hearing…

And Mr. President I want to commend you on your inspired choice for Secretary of State.

Someone whose integrity and experience inform the world of your Administration’s seriousness and depth. Let’s all give Dennis Rodman a hand.

Speaking of athletes. I saw that the President went golfing with Tiger Woods recently. Tiger reportedly said the President has “amazing touch.”

The last time Tiger said that he lost millions in endorsements and a hot Swedish wife.

This may surprise you, but I’m looking forward to President Obama’s second term. It will be refreshing to hear him stop blaming all the country’s problems on the last four years.

People say that the President and I both have trouble laughing at ourselves.

We can’t laugh at ourselves. That would be racist.

My home state of Louisiana is of course known for colorful politicians. You may have heard that when our former Governor Edwin Edwards got out of jail last year he immediately married a woman 50 years his younger.

But you may not have read his quote about that…and I’m not making this up…he said “you’re only as young as the woman you feel.”

My wife didn’t feel that was funny.

David Duke was colorful…his favorite color was white.

This has been great fun here tonight. I’m sure that my parents could never have imagined me standing here, particularly after my State of the Union Response.

This dinner is a sign of America’s greatness.

The press makes fun of the person running the country, the President makes fun of himself, the opposition party pokes fun at the party in power…and no one gets arrested.

One serious note in closing — Having immigrant parents is not always the easiest thing…there are language issues, assimilation issues, and the like.

But I will tell you this — The greatest thing about having parents who are immigrants, is that they force you to understand the value and uniqueness of our freedom.

Freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of religion…you name it, they put great value on it and they never take it for granted.

And to them, there is no greater person than the one who has sacrificed all to keep us free. I want to thank you all for letting me participate in this little piece of freedom here tonight.

Good night and God Bless.


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God bless..

Oh..
And good night..

Electrongod on March 13, 2013 at 8:43 PM

Hey isn’t jindal ineligible because he’s a non natural citizen? Has anyone ever thought about this Bish?

SparkPlug on March 13, 2013 at 8:46 PM

The Gridiron Dinner used to be known as the night the media and the administration set aside their differences — back in the days when they had some.

Awesome.

Stoic Patriot on March 13, 2013 at 8:46 PM

…did he talk about the “dumb party”?

KOOLAID2 on March 13, 2013 at 8:47 PM

You know, a lot of people warned me that if I voted for Mitt Romney, a Wall Street robber baron who hid his money in secretive Grand Cayman bank accounts would end up running the U.S. Treasury. I see Jack Lew is here tonight.

Does Jindal read Instapundit?

malclave on March 13, 2013 at 8:49 PM

This of course is the night for the Washington press corps and the President to kick back, share a few laughs, not take things seriously and just generally enjoy each other’s company

…so they WERE wearing knee pads…and bibs?

KOOLAID2 on March 13, 2013 at 8:50 PM

Thank you for sharing MKH
The video would be priceless.

seesalrun2 on March 13, 2013 at 8:53 PM

…so they WERE wearing knee pads…and bibs?

KOOLAID2 on March 13, 2013 at 8:50 PM

Not at first..

This things were categorized as medical devices..
And taxes as such..

Electrongod on March 13, 2013 at 8:54 PM

I see Mark Sanford is running for office again. Sanford was so committed to outsourcing that he even shipped his wife’s job overseas.

B-R-U-T-A-L.

Resist We Much on March 13, 2013 at 8:54 PM

It was great. A couple jokes were too “inside baseball”, but generally … I love conservative’s dry wit. A little like the HotGas talented four writers. Understatement is their greatest weapon.

Paul-Cincy on March 13, 2013 at 8:56 PM

Hey isn’t jindal ineligible because he’s a non natural citizen? Has anyone ever thought about this Bish?

SparkPlug on March 13, 2013 at 8:46 PM

He was born in the United States to legal, permanent residents. He is an American citizen.

Resist We Much on March 13, 2013 at 8:56 PM

I got a thousand bucks in exchange for video of barky’s mug while that barrage was being unleashed.

Lost in Jersey on March 13, 2013 at 8:57 PM

Love the Eric Holder one.

rbj on March 13, 2013 at 8:59 PM

I appreciated most the dig at regime pimp Steve Kroft for whoring Obama recently just as Kroft did the “I’m a changed man” Clintoon 1992 interview / advertisement with Shrillary bobbing her head in full doormat mode.

viking01 on March 13, 2013 at 9:01 PM

The Gridiron dinner is off-the-record and closed to most reporters, but we generally see clips of the president and presidential candidates doing their routines.

The Gridiron is a club for reporters.

Blake on March 13, 2013 at 9:01 PM

to represent my people.

As you know, my people
=======================

Me thinks,this was a Stealth WackaRoo Smackation
at FLOTUSA/POTUSA,in the way,these two utelize those words!

Or Not!!!

canopfor on March 13, 2013 at 9:01 PM

I hate this inside DC crap. There is too much of it. And Bobby, don’t think for a moment that the people who are yucking it up at your jokes won’t turn around and stab you in the back.

Blake on March 13, 2013 at 9:02 PM

Thanks MKH for posting this speech. I laughed for quite awhile just from the twitter leaks. The whole thing is hilarious.

Gives me more hope that he will be the nominee, and he’ll win!

can_con on March 13, 2013 at 9:03 PM

You know, a lot of people warned me that if I voted for Mitt Romney, a Wall Street robber baron who hid his money in secretive Grand Cayman bank accounts would end up running the U.S. Treasury. I see Jack Lew is here tonight.

Hmmm… an Instapundit reader perhaps?

FOD on March 13, 2013 at 9:08 PM

A few of these jokes elicit chuckles, but the majority are duds.

steebo77 on March 13, 2013 at 9:18 PM

I was on the treadmill the other day and I caught something about the supreme and infallible leader ordained from on high stepping down, and I got all excited, but then I realized it was just the Pope not the President.

Priceless. Which is why……

You may not realize this, but even though the President may look calm and relaxed…he is sitting here right now quaking in his boots…he’s terrified that I’ll upstage him again…like I did in that State of the Union response a few years ago.

No Bobby, I love you and was happy to vote for you when you first ran for Congress but the rat-eared wonder was not relaxed. He’s mad as hell that you are mocking him and he can’t send a drone after your ass because you are doing so during an event that has become a Washington institution for gentle mocking. Nancy Reagan showed up in rags and sang a parody of Second Hand Rose to mock the press criticism of her china purchase. The rat-eared wonder was seething because he is that insecure.

Happy Nomad on March 13, 2013 at 9:19 PM

Thanks MKH for posting this speech. I laughed for quite awhile just from the twitter leaks. The whole thing is hilarious.

Gives me more hope that he will be the nominee, and he’ll win!

can_con on March 13, 2013 at 9:03 PM

Jindal, Rubio, Cruz…strongest lineup in decades.

If they don’t kill each other in the primaries, we’ll have a formidable candidate in ’16.

itsnotaboutme on March 13, 2013 at 9:20 PM

I hate this inside DC crap. There is too much of it. And Bobby, don’t think for a moment that the people who are yucking it up at your jokes won’t turn around and stab you in the back.

Blake on March 13, 2013 at 9:02 PM

Um………. I don’t think you get a couple things. The Gridiron Club which hosts the dinner is the elite of the Washington Press establishment. It’s going to be “inside DC” crap whether you like it or not.

Secondly, it is mostly a non-partisan event where the speakers know full well that the normal rules return the next day.

Mostly, I’d say lighten up. And I’m the one that is saying it for a change!

Happy Nomad on March 13, 2013 at 9:27 PM

There were some brilliant zingers there. Good job, Bobby!

Unlike Obysmal, Jindal knows how to turn a joke on himself. He was sly and dry.

onlineanalyst on March 13, 2013 at 9:41 PM

I see Eric Holder is with us tonight. I actually heard a rumor that due to sequestration, the attorney general can only afford to ship a couple hundred illegal guns across the border this year.

That one left a mark.

BKennedy on March 13, 2013 at 9:46 PM

“You know, a lot of people warned me that if I voted for Mitt Romney, a Wall Street robber baron who hid his money in secretive Grand Cayman bank accounts would end up running the U.S. Treasury. I see Jack Lew is here tonight.”

I was laughing out loud while reading his speech…

… There HAS to be a video, somewhere!

Seven Percent Solution on March 13, 2013 at 9:48 PM

Very good speech by Jindal..:)

Dire Straits on March 13, 2013 at 9:48 PM

In 2008, John talked to me about the Vice Presidency. I told John not to consider me or even vet me for VP.
I wasn’t ready for the job and I was afraid he might do something crazy…glad we avoided that.

the big government statists love to take digs at Sarah don’t they.

in their brains 24/7

renalin on March 13, 2013 at 9:48 PM

Seven Percent Solution on March 13, 2013 at 9:48 PM

I agree..Hopefully someone will post it..:)

Dire Straits on March 13, 2013 at 9:50 PM

Hey isn’t jindal ineligible because he’s a non natural citizen? Has anyone ever thought about this Bish?

SparkPlug on March 13, 2013 at 8:46 PM

He was born in the United States to legal, permanent residents. He is an American citizen.

Resist We Much on March 13, 2013 at 8:56 PM

He was born a U.S. citizen (by way of the 14th Amendment), but he is not a natural born citizen because his parents were not both U.S. citizens at the time of his birth.

The Supreme Court in Minor v. Happersett:

The Fourteenth Amendment did not affect the citizenship of women any more than it did of men. In this particular, therefore, the rights of Mrs. Minor do not depend upon the amendment.

The Constitution does not in words say who shall be natural-born citizens. Resort must be had elsewhere to ascertain that. At common law, with the nomenclature of which the framers of the Constitution were familiar, it was never doubted that all children born in a country of parents who were its citizens became themselves, upon their birth, citizens also. These were natives or natural-born citizens, as distinguished from aliens or foreigners. Some authorities go further and include as citizens children born within the jurisdiction without reference to the citizenship of their parents. As to this class there have been doubts, but never as to the first. For the purposes of this case, it is not necessary to solve these doubts. It is sufficient for everything we have now to consider that all children born of citizen parents within the jurisdiction are themselves citizens.

The Supreme Court did not construe the 14th Amendment in that case because Virginia Minor was a natural born citizen.

There was never any doubt that natural born citizens were citizens.

The Court acknowledged that there were doubts about whether or not children born within the jurisdiction without reference to the citizenship of their parents should be considered citizens. But the Court did not have to resolve those doubts in the case of Minor. (And addressed those doubts in the case of Wong Kim Ark, but that Court ruled that Wong was a citizen and never called him a “natural born citizen”).

The Minor Court said that natural born citizens do not need the 14th Amendment in order to be considered citizens.

The contrapositive is that anyone who needs the 14th Amendment in order to be considered a citizen is not a natural born citizen.

ITguy on March 13, 2013 at 9:51 PM

Why do a few constantly scream ‘he can’t run..not an American citizen..when the Republicans are NOT WHITE

a few racist posters.need to hit the road

Redford on March 13, 2013 at 10:00 PM

Why do a few constantly scream ‘he can’t run..not an American citizen..when the Republicans are NOT WHITE

a few racist posters.need to hit the road

Redford on March 13, 2013 at 10:00 PM

He is an American citizen from birth.

But he is not a natural born citizen because his parents were not U.S. citizens at the time of his birth. Had they been naturalized U.S. citizens before his birth, then he would have been a natural born citizen because he would have met the natural law definition of natural born citizen (that was echoed by the Supreme Court in the case of Minor vs. Happersett): natural born citizens are born in a country of parents who were its citizens

It’s a Constitutional issue. Not racism.

ITguy on March 13, 2013 at 10:05 PM

A few of these jokes elicit chuckles, but the majority are duds.

steebo77 on March 13, 2013 at 9:18 PM

I spoke to Mitt the other day…told him that I was doing the Gridiron dinner…he said that 47 percent of you can’t take a joke.

HatfieldMcCoy on March 13, 2013 at 10:11 PM

The Gridiron is a club for reporters.

Blake on March 13, 2013 at 9:01 PM

Oops, yes, my mistake. I just meant they’re not *covering* it. I stated it badly.

Mary Katharine Ham on March 13, 2013 at 10:31 PM

…so they WERE wearing knee pads…and bibs?

KOOLAID2 on March 13, 2013 at 8:50 PM

And dental dams.

malclave on March 13, 2013 at 11:09 PM

malclave on March 13, 2013 at 11:09 PM

…LOL!

KOOLAID2 on March 13, 2013 at 11:31 PM

The Gridiron Dinner used to be known as the night the media and the administration set aside their differences — back in the days when they had some.

Excellent cut to the bone.

Lourdes on March 14, 2013 at 12:04 AM

I see Eric Holder is with us tonight. I actually heard a rumor that due to sequestration, the attorney general can only afford to ship a couple hundred illegal guns across the border this year.

That one left a mark.

BKennedy on March 13, 2013 at 9:46 PM

Yes, that one’s a cut to the marrow of the bone.

I’d be interested in knowing who the speechwriter was for Jindal. Or if Jindal wrote this speech himself, in which case: very impressive if he did, but still impressive as to whoever did if not Jindal.

Lourdes on March 14, 2013 at 12:07 AM

Why do a few constantly scream ‘he can’t run..not an American citizen..when the Republicans are NOT WHITE

a few racist posters.need to hit the road

Redford on March 13, 2013 at 10:00 PM

No one’s (seriously) objecting to Jindal’s race. Even Jindal makes his “brown” ethnicity/race a thing to joke about.

And it’s not a case of Jindal being a citizen. The question is, as a citizen, if he is or is not a “natural born” citizen.

Aren’t the same things…

Lourdes on March 14, 2013 at 12:09 AM

*slew

Tzetzes on March 14, 2013 at 12:18 AM

ITguy on March 13, 2013 at 9:51 PM

That case is no longer good law.

Resist We Much on March 14, 2013 at 1:32 AM

The Minor Court said that natural born citizens do not need the 14th Amendment in order to be considered citizens.

The contrapositive is that anyone who needs the 14th Amendment in order to be considered a citizen is not a natural born citizen.

ITguy on March 13, 2013 at 9:51 PM

ITguy on March 13, 2013 at 9:51 PM

That case is no longer good law.

Resist We Much on March 14, 2013 at 1:32 AM

Since “natural born citizen” has no absolute definition (so far), we’re all left to look at the range of influences that have set colloquial understandings of the term rolling.

It may not be “good law” but it’s defined a functional reference to what “natural born” actually means. And that is:

The contrapositive is that anyone who needs the 14th Amendment in order to be considered a citizen is not a natural born citizen.

Lourdes on March 14, 2013 at 2:00 AM

That is a ridiculous reading of that case. There are two ways that citizenship can be conferred at birth, Jus sanguinis (right of blood) and Jus soli (right of the soil). All the judge said was that there was no issue because she was a citizen by both counts. Natural-born citizen is not being contrasted against citizen, because it is a subset of citizen. It is being contrasted against alien and foreigner (and implicitly naturalized citizens).

Fizzmaister on March 14, 2013 at 3:11 AM

That is a ridiculous reading of that case. There are two ways that citizenship can be conferred at birth, Jus sanguinis (right of blood) and Jus soli (right of the soil). All the judge said was that there was no issue because she was a citizen by both counts. Natural-born citizen is not being contrasted against citizen, because it is a subset of citizen. It is being contrasted against alien and foreigner (and implicitly naturalized citizens).

Fizzmaister on March 14, 2013 at 3:11 AM

Natural-born citizen vs. naturalized vs. native-born…

is where the ongoing disagreements and discrepancies lie.

We know with absolute definitions what “naturalized” and “native-born” citizens are, we just don’t have an absolute definition of what “natural born” as a citizen means.

FROM ALL THE REFERENCE material available as to what was used by the Founding Fathers to include such a phrase as a requirement for candidates as to the Executive Branch of government, especially the Federalist Papers, “natural born citizen” is/was then someone born in the US (native born) to two US citizen parents (natural born as a native born citizen)…

The issue has been compromised greatly by the ongoing tweaking of “what” the Fourteenth Amendment “means” and it’s been largely bent out of shape to accommodate people born in the US to non-citizen parents for purposes of pushing this issue of qualifying for the Presidency.

Lots and lots of “wrong interpretations” of various decisions and documents to go around.

Lourdes on March 14, 2013 at 3:56 AM

especially as found among the Federalist Papers…

Lourdes on March 14, 2013 at 3:57 AM

But to my way of thinking, it is an issue of WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS MEANT when they intentionally and quite purposefully stuck that phrase in the Constitution, “a natural born citizen”…

…they didn’t “just” state, “citizen” or even “someone who isn’t from England” or anything simple as that, they purposefully distinguished “citizen” to be “natural born” as a citizen.

So we really must look at what their INTENT was in doing such and stop trying to argue what we want things to be in “modern times”…but look at what their purpose was, why they meant what they meant, what the goal was with such a meaning.

THE INTENT as most people have read that was/is that whoever is fitting for the Presidency and Vice-Presidency SHOULD NOT HAVE dual loyalties or present to the Office and to the nation any question as to complete fidelity to THIS nation, not to be influenced by associations with any other.

People born as “anchor babies” — here in the US as native-born but to two parents who are not US citizens — is not going to have the same “loyalties” or so to allege that someone who is born to two US citizen parents…I suppose due to cultural influences, parenting, their conditions overall in life as they were born to, etc.

I tend to agree with that latter point just made, that a President — as in Obama’s case, certainly — born not to two US citizen parents is going to have a lot of mixed loyalties if not lack absolute loyalty to this nation.

So, that’s where it’s left. Do we simply allow any citizen to be President — the contemporary assumption and demand — regardless of who their parents were, or do we expect a bit more concentrated “American history” to be their inheritance?

Lourdes on March 14, 2013 at 4:04 AM

did this jug eared little weirdo ‘exercise” a ‘demon” out of another chick?

Your Mamma loves me on March 14, 2013 at 7:07 AM

Great stuff Mr. President. (I wish.)

Mojave Mark on March 14, 2013 at 7:52 AM

This was hilarious. I particularly liked these two:

“I was hoping to finally meet Mayor Bloomberg here tonight………that’s a lie
I was also hoping to see Harry Reid…..that’s another lie.”

“I see Eric Holder is with us tonight. I actually heard a rumor that due to sequestration, the attorney general can only afford to ship a couple hundred illegal guns across the border this year.”

Throat Wobbler Mangrove on March 14, 2013 at 8:54 AM

A few of these jokes elicit chuckles, but the majority are duds.

steebo77 on March 13, 2013 at 9:18 PM

I ran into Joe Biden earlier today. I don’t think he recognized me though. He asked me to go get him a Slurpee.

yeah, no humor there, none what-so-ever

FineasFinn on March 14, 2013 at 9:21 AM

…“natural born citizen” is/was then someone born in the US (native born) to two US citizen parents (natural born as a native born citizen)…

Lots and lots of “wrong interpretations” of various decisions and documents to go around.

Lourdes on March 14, 2013 at 3:56 AM

Am I wrong? I vaguely recall reading that the requirement be that the parents be subject to the jurisdiction of the United States. So, that might imply that LPR parents are sufficient to meet the requirement.

Personally, I’d prefer it to be born on US soil of two US citizens (at the time of birth). Not sure if I would want the interpretation to require the citizen parents are biologically verified.

freedomfirst on March 14, 2013 at 9:37 AM

A) Excellent zingers, some of them snort-inducing (!)

B) Uh, does anybody here claim that the current President’s parents were both US citizens at the time of his birth?? Yet the only question I have ever heard about his eligibility centered soley on the location of his birth.

NeoCon_1 on March 14, 2013 at 10:19 AM

did this jug eared little weirdo ‘exercise” a ‘demon” out of another chick?

Your Mamma loves me on March 14, 2013 at 7:07 AM

Did obama do what?

Solaratov on March 14, 2013 at 11:48 AM

And, btw, mommalover – it’s “exorcise”.

Solaratov on March 14, 2013 at 11:50 AM

The contrapositive is that anyone who needs the 14th Amendment in order to be considered a citizen is not a natural born citizen.

Lourdes on March 14, 2013 at 2:00 AM

Please see 8 USC § 1401. It is the overwhelming consensus of constitutional scholars based upon precedent and the writings of the Framers that a natural born citizen is an individual, who is a citizen at birth.

There are only two types of American citizens: Natural-born and naturalised.

George Romney (born to two American parents in Mexico, but registered immediately with the American consulate and never a Mexican citizen), Senator John McCain (born to two American parents in the Panama Canal Zone), Barack Obama (born to an American woman in Hawaii – or, if you believe he was born in Kenya, born to an American woman on foreign soil), Senator Marco Rubio (born to two legal, permanent residents on American soil), Senator Ted Cruz (born in Canada to an American mother), Governor Nikki Haley (born to two immigrants [I'm unsure if they were LPRs or naturalised at the time] on US soil), Senator Michael Bennett (born in India to two American parents), Congressman Chris Van Hollen (born in Pakistan to two American parents employed by the State Department), Governor Bobby Jindal (born to two legal, permanent residents) were/are ALL eligible to be President of the United States. In fact, even though Puerto Rico doesn’t have any votes in the Electoral College, its former Governor Luis Fortuño and present its present Governor Alejandro García Padilla are both eligible to run for the Presidency, too (Puerto Ricans were awarded US citizenship under the Jones–Shafroth Act of 1917).

Rubio, Cruz, Haley, Bennett, Van Hollen, Jindal, Fortuño, and Padilla are ALL eligible to run for the Presidency because they will ALL be 35 years of age or older in 2016 and are natural-born citizens.

On the other hand, former National Security Advisor Zbigniew Brzezinski (born in Poland to two Polish parents), the late Congressman Tom Lantos, a Holocaust survivor (born to two Hungarian parents in Hungary), former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright (born in Czechoslovakia to two Czech parents), former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (born in Austria to two Austrian parents), former Governor Jennifer Granholm (born in Canada to two Canadian parents) and myself (born in the UK to two British parents) will never be eligible to become President without amending the Constitution, which I am not advocating.

Resist We Much on March 14, 2013 at 11:59 AM

Barack Obama (born to an American woman in Hawaii – or, if you believe he was born in Kenya, born to an American woman on foreign soil),

Does Barack Obama Sr. citizenship overrule the mothers?

LoganSix on March 14, 2013 at 12:38 PM

Does Barack Obama Sr. citizenship overrule the mothers?

LoganSix on March 14, 2013 at 12:38 PM

No…not unless Obama was registered with the British Consulate as a British subject at birth.

Resist We Much on March 14, 2013 at 12:48 PM

No…not unless Obama was registered with the British Consulate as a British subject at birth.

Resist We Much on March 14, 2013 at 12:48 PM

AND, his parents renounced his US citizenship for him, assuming you believe that he was born in Hawaii (I do).

Resist We Much on March 14, 2013 at 12:49 PM

IT guy is wrong
Resist We Much is correct.

The quote form Happersett from IT guy even shows he’s wrong:

These were natives or natural-born citizens, as distinguished from aliens or foreigners. Some authorities go further and include as citizens children born within the jurisdiction without reference to the citizenship of their parents. As to this class there have been doubts, but never as to the first. For the purposes of this case, it is not necessary to solve these doubts. It is sufficient for everything we have now to consider that all children born of citizen parents within the jurisdiction are themselves citizens.

To anologize the Court was giving consideration to whether apples are fruits. It said that no one has ever doubted that apples are fruits. Some people disagree on whether an orange is a fruit, but we don’t have to decide that now.

Later on, in later cases, it became fairly clear that the court considers oranges fruits too

krome on March 14, 2013 at 1:21 PM

Truth in jest. Nice work!

StevC on March 14, 2013 at 2:32 PM

Well done, Mr. Jindal.

RJL on March 14, 2013 at 2:52 PM