Heart Ache – Treasury nixes trillion dollar coin

posted at 7:01 pm on January 12, 2013 by Jazz Shaw

And a great sigh was heard across the land. The dreams of a yearning nation will, it seems, be left unfulfilled. Yes, my friends, even worse than when Mighty Casey Struck Out, the Treasury Dept. has ruled out the minting of the $1T coin to solve our fiscal woes.

The Treasury Department will not mint a trillion-dollar platinum coin to get around the debt ceiling. If they did, the Federal Reserve would not accept it.

That’s the bottom line of the statement that Anthony Coley, a spokesman for the Treasury Department, gave me today. “Neither the Treasury Department nor the Federal Reserve believes that the law can or should be used to facilitate the production of platinum coins for the purpose of avoiding an increase in the debt limit,” he said.

This will surely come as a stunning blow to my friend Joe Weisenthal of Business Insider, who has been having far too much fun with the idea for days on end now. In fact, if for some reason you were watching MSNBC this morning with Chris “Uncomfortable Calling The Honored Dead Heroes” Hayes, you’d have seen Joe engaged in a lively debate on the subject. In it, both the host and the guests embarked upon an amazing exploration of why such a route, while unlikely, was actually legal and possible. In fact, the Treasury could mint … wait for it … a 100 Trillion dollar coin if they wished. Because, you see, money isn’t real.

They did eventually get around to noting that the magical creation of massive amounts of US currency could result in inflation and skyrocketing prices, but the preceding discussion was jaw dropping to say the least. In fact, Joe was so impressed that he rushed to the keyboard to publish a piece in praise of Hayes’ insightful analysis.

At long last I get it, and it’s only thanks to the creative thinking arising from these trying times. The only problem here, if I may submit my own modest proposal, is that it doesn’t go far enough. In fact, I’m feeling rather sheepish at the moment for all the years I wasted embracing conservative economic theories. What was I thinking?

The real solution is not a 1 trillion dollar coin nor, as was expressed during the show linked above, a One Hundred Trillion Dollar Coin, but a ONE KERJILLION DOLLAR COIN. Once this is deposited in the treasury, the world will awaken anew.

Think about it. Since money isn’t real, there aren’t any actual rules. With the One Kerjillion Dollar Coin safely ensconced in the Treasury, we can all quit our jobs. In fact, we won’t even have to leave our homes, except for the times when we go out to parties, restaurants or sailing on our yachts. And I don’t just mean the 1% here… I’m talking about every last man woman and child in the nation. Everyone can have limitless unemployment checks to the tune of $50K per month. Hell.. let’s make it $500K per month. We’ll all live in mansions and travel in private jets.

The only cloud I see on our horizon is that we’ll need serious immigration reform, but with absolutely no path to citizenship. You see, the citizens will be paying out the fruits of the One Kerjillion Dollar Coin to an army of documented, but non-citizen workers who will build and maintain our homes, pick up and cook our food, drive our limosenes and pilot our jets. Oh… and handling all of those daily tasks like keeping the trash picked up, fixing things, building roads and all the rest.

Yes, it’s a bright, sunny future. If only we can get Treasury to reconsider. Here’s hoping, fellow future gazillionaires.


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